Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘mainstream media’

Major announcement stuns news industry!

Posted by oldancestor on May 16, 2011


In space, no one reads your cover letter

By Old Ancestor


The Anvil is running for president! 

We’d love to be making that announcement, but now that Trump and Huckabee have dropped out, the thrill is gone. Therefore, we have decided to announce something even bigger. Something that will forever change the way you view the news media in the information age:


The Anvil is changing its content.


For several months now, we have been boasting about our 300 million daily readers. This number was based on a careful assessment of clicks, comments, and total fabrication. Our accountant/bookie, Rocko, who is a wiz with numbers, was released from prison this week and, like a diligent employee, reviewed our stats. He said we are actually getting about 90 page views per day.


That is not enough.


Starting this week, The Anvil will begin expanding its offerings. Don’t worry, loyal readers, we will continue to bring you the latest breaking fake news, but we will also have a less restrictive format that permits other types of satire and as well as essays and observations. Hopefully a guest post or two.


Effective immediately, the ever-popular Lacy Thundercake is promoted to head writer. Lennie becomes contributing writer, and Eric J Baker is promoted to real person. Baker will be replaced on the news team by new contributing writer Robotman, who also created the universe and everything in it as a science experiment 13 billion years ago. See our staff page for more details.


Rest assured, The Anvil team will redouble its effort to entertain you. By our calculations, that means we will work four times harder.


EDITOR’S NOTE: This version updates an earlier edition that stated the planets in our solar system are lined up this month in anticipation of today’s announcement. NASA scientists now believe the planets are lining up for job applications with McDonald’s, which has begun backfilling positions lost during the recent recession.



Posted in Media | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments »

World’s oldest blog turns 250

Posted by oldancestor on April 15, 2011

Editor’s note: Today we’re taking a short break from hard-hitting investigative journalism to celebrate a very special anniversary here at The Anvil. We promise a prompt return to our usual unpleasantness in a day or two.

 ~ ~ ~

The Anvil's first head writer, George Washington. He was also a U.S. President.

NEW JERSEY – The world’s OB (original blog), The Anvil, turns 250 years old this weekend, a span of time that saw vast improvements in broadband speed as well as the death of Bub, the world’s oldest tortoise. Regretfully, the first 249 years of Anvil archives are lost due to a combination of the British burning our offices during the War of 1812, numerous FBI subpoenas, and server errors.

Our first article appeared on April 16, 1761 and was written by original head writer George Washington. Judging from the title, King George III forgets to powder his wig!, it is clear that Washington’s sense of humor has not aged well, though he was reputed to have been quite a cut-up around the office, often making jokes about our then-lousy dental plan.

Washington surprisingly went on to become a military hero, which is unusual for someone with wooden teeth. He was also allegedly a U.S. president.

Some of our most popular articles from the lost age:

1793 – “Marie Antoinette ‘heads off’ on permanent vacation in Basketville”

1793 – “Eli Whitney invents cotton gin; next 220 years of 5th graders don’t care”

1838 – “Andrew Jackson wins ‘Get your face on the twenty’ contest by killing the most Indians”

1859 – “Darwin continues rhyming-title scheme with sequel to Origin of Feces

1867 – “Alfred Nobel invents dynamite, awards himself first Disturbing the Peace prize”

1903 – “Wright Brothers take first flight in North Carolina; luggage ends up in Iowa”

1914 – “Germans, sick of composing great classical music, decide to invade counties from now on”

1930 – “Inspired by ‘Hoover sucks!’ taunts, President invents vacuum cleaner”

1953 – “DNA discovered; Chimps embarrassed that humans are closest relative”

1967 – “Roman pagans sue NASA to stop calling rocket ‘Saturn’ V; ‘It’s offensive.’”

1969 – “Greek pagans sue NASA to stop calling mission ‘Apollo’ 11; ‘It’s offensive’”

1974 – “Norse pagans sue NASA to stop calling Mars Landers ‘Viking’ 1& 2; ‘It’s offensive’”

1988 – “Christian pagans sue NASA to stop calling its deep space probe ‘Jesus’ 3000; ‘It’s offensive’”

2003 – “Atheist pagans sue NASA to stop calling its interstellar cruiser             . ‘It’s offensive’”

 ~ ~ ~

While The Anvil has been around since 1761, it has only been on WordPress for a year, making this our first Bloggiversary. Or is it one “g”? If you are interested in the correct spelling, check in with our expert and friend Paula, who just had a birthday and is now officially the world’s oldest blogger at age 104. Approach her slowly so you don’t startle her, though.

Thanks to everyone who has stopped by over the past year. The light is always on and the door is unlocked…

For the curious, our 3 most popular stories as of the posting date above:

  1. The Most Shocking News stories of 2011 view here
  2. Zeus destroys giant Jesus statue with lightning bolt view here
  3. Disaster at Glenn Beck rally: Too much Kool-Aid, not enough cyanide view here

And the three least popular stories (show some love, would ya?):

  1. New trend in animal fashion: Oil Chic view here
  2. UN alarmed over violence in Afghanistan: “It’s like a war or something.” view here
  3. News round-up: This week’s top stories make last week’s top stories look like complete crap! view here


Thanks to Sandra Tarsitano for supplying today’s image


Posted in Media | Tagged: , , , , , , | 30 Comments »

Online news journal refuses to run April Fool’s Day story; “It’s disgusting.”

Posted by oldancestor on March 31, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Old Ancestor, editor of The Anvil

NEW JERSEY – Popular online new journal The Anvil, which is read daily by over 300 million people, sent shockwaves through the fake news industry this week when its editors declined to run a filler story about April Fool’s Day.

“Enough is enough,” said the journal’s editor-in-chief, Old Ancestor. “It’s become obligatory to publish mindless drivel every time some innocuous, phony ‘holiday’ rolls around. No more.”

Ancestor says The Anvil has always represented hard-hitting journalism, whether the subject matter is Lindsay Lohan or Charlie Sheen, and it will not cater to the whims of political correctness.

‘This is a secular news organization,” he explains. “We don’t cover every obscure, bizarre religious holiday that comes down the pike, be it April Fool’s Day or Easter, just to please one or two druids out there.”

He adds, “Mark my words: You will not see an April Fool’s Day article in The Anvil.”

Rival fake news journal, The Avocado, has also announced it will not run an April Fool’s Day story on April first. Head writer Angry Pink Bunny says he has found a loophole in the time-space continuum that renders such a story literally impossible.

“We’re identifying the date as March 32nd. The next day will be April 2nd,” he says. “Take that, Albert Einstein. Or whoever.”

When asked to say, “It’s disgusting,” so we would have something lurid to put in the headline, Bunny said, “It’s disgusting.”

Back at The Anvil, Ancestor says his writers are on strict orders not to write anything with the phrase “April Fool’s Day” in the headline or the article. But what if nothing newsworthy is going on that day?

“One of my writers asked that exact question,” explains Ancestor. “I said to him, ‘I don’t know. Write something existentialist.’”


Posted in Media | Tagged: , , , , , | 20 Comments »

5 Myths about Life in America

Posted by oldancestor on March 5, 2011

By Lennie

The Kraken is a myth. Or is it?

It’s hard to believe that, in the age of instant worldwide communication and information access, so many Americans still cling to outmoded beliefs that have long been disproven by modern science. Below are the 5 most common misconceptions of our society and the real truth behind the fallacy. So, are you one of the mindless lemmings who continue to swallow and regurgitate this bunk, or are you a pioneer of analytical thought, like we in the news media? Read on, but don’t e-mail me if you are depressed about being in the first category. It’s your own fault.


Myth: Everyone gets 15 minutes of fame

Truth: Everyone gets 16 minutes of fame

Dr. Hans Cliché of the BF Finster Institute in Zurich identified the additional minute in 2005 by conducting a regression analysis of reality show performers’ careers and creatively-bereft writers’ resultant commentary. At the time the discovery was announced, Cliché said, “Andy Warhol used the imperial system in his equations, yet he was borrowing data derived using metric. How many lives have been lost because of this?”

Bianca Rote, who blogs about the entertainment industry, was annoyed when told about the misconception yesterday.

“Do you know how many ‘5’ keys I’ve had to replace on my keyboard in the past six years?” she asks. “Why didn’t this information get out before now?”

We tried to contact Dr. Cliché for an answer, but his 16 minutes were up.


Myth: There are 9 ways to Sunday

Truth: There are 8 ways to Sunday

Until engineers construct the proposed tunnel between Philadelphia and Minneapolis, we’re stuck with eight. Funding problems suggest we’ll be waiting a long time.


Myth: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure

Truth: Ongoing treatment of chronic conditions with expensive pharmaceuticals is worth more than your insurance company will pay

As long as the Chinese government continues suppressing the value of its currency in order to increase exports, ratios of cure and prevention will be in flux. At press time, 2.3 ounces of prevention was worth a pound of cure.


Myth: Sliced bread is a good invention

Truth: Legos are a good invention

Nothing sends more people into emergency rooms across the country every year than bread-slicing accidents. People should eat loafs of bread whole, the way they come out of the ground. Anyway, all the nutrition is in the skin.

Meanwhile, Legos are fun for children and adults and last forever.


Myth: Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Truth: Less than eight hours of sleep makes you grumpy and more likely to have a car accident

Last week, I went to bed early and missed the end of the Academy Awards, so I didn’t know who won. Then I got up while it was still dark and hit my head on the edge of the halfway-open door because I couldn’t see it. I had to put an ice pack on my head and forgot all about going to work, so my boss docked my pay.

Do I sound wise, healthy, or wealthy?


How about you? What stupid things do you still believe? Leave a comment so the rest of us can mock you in public.


Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , | 24 Comments »

Why won’t the mainstream press report this?

Posted by oldancestor on January 23, 2011

”]Here at The Anvil, we are dedicated to bringing you the stories the mainstream news networks refuse to tell. While AP and Reuters go on and on about political thingamajigs and world-affairs doodads nobody cares about, we dig deeper to uncover the real truth. But before you read on, be warned: You may never look at the world the same way again.

Captain Crunch promoted to admiral  

Captain Crunch, perhaps America’s greatest living naval hero, has been promoted to admiral, throwing the breakfast cereal industry into disarray.

“I don’t know what the heck we are supposed to do now,” said Susan B. Anthony, spokesperson for Quaker Oats, the company that manufactures the Cap’n Crunch cereal line. “You know how many boxes are sitting in our factory right now that say ‘cap’n’ on the front, waiting to be shipped?  Only about a billion.”

NATO commander and rival to Admiral Crunch, General Mills, has called for UN sanctions against Crunch. He claims the sailor is in violation of the International Cereal Name Continuity Agreement for accepting the promotion, though, it should be noted, Cap’n Crunch cereals have yet to be officially retitled.

Mills points out that other cereal makers have stuck by unfortunate product names for the sake of ethical business practice. “Post is sitting on 800,000 crates of Cat Turdios,” he says, “because they know how to honor a treaty.”

Cat Turdios is widely considered to be the least popular cereal in the world, despite winning multiple taste tests against Lucky Charms, Honey Nut Cheerios, and Fruity Pebbles, all popular cereal makes.

Khan Noonien Singh, a late 20th century, genetically engineered supervillain who was banished to the planet Ceti Alpha V, said of the captain’s promotion, “Admiral? Admiral!”

According to eyewitnesses,  an incensed Khan then put a mind-controlling scorpion in Chekov’s ear, escaped Ceti Alpha V in a stolen federation vessel, and was later killed in a space battle.


Trillions were killed yesterday when Betty Jo Mamma of Possum Bone, Arkansas sprayed Fantastic brand disinfectant all over her son Charlie’s toilet bowl, which had not been cleaned since 2008. Only about one percent of those attacked managed to survive.

“This has got to stop,” said Sarah Mecium, spokesperson for We Were Here First (WeWeHeFi), a not-for-profit microbe advocacy organization. “If some kid chokes on a lollipop, there’s this major uproar in the news media about banning lollipops. Meanwhile, store shelves are linedwith rows and rows of spray cleaners, antiseptic wipes, and mouth washes. What about our rights? Why is Betty Jo Mamma walking around a free woman right now?”

When asked if charges were pending against Ms. Mamma, Possum Bone Police Chief Derwood Trafficstop issued a terse, “Uh, no.”

It is estimated that a septillion-to-the-octillionth-power number of bacteria and other microbes have been killed by humans since the Centers for Disease Assistance (CDA) started keeping records in 2003. The Anvil was planning on putting a continuously updating death counter on our home page to raise awareness for the suffering of our tiny, almost invisible friends, but our IT department said we were on crack.

When informed of our hope to draw attention the plight of single-celled organisms, WeWeHeFi spokesperson Mecium said, “Oh, yeah? That was my uncle you sent flying across the room yesterday when you took a can of air blast to your computer keyboard.”


Note: pretend there’s a ” ] ” in that photo caption above. Yes, we’re too lazy to remove the picture and reedit it. 

Thank you, ed.


Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , | 9 Comments »