Oscar recap: Male-female co-host experiment is a disaster!

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Wolfman, winner of the Best Make-up Oscar

 

LOS ANGELES – ABC producers have to be lamenting their decision to hire Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan as co-hosts of the 83^rd Annual Academy Awards, which aired Sunday night. What  started as a promising idea ended in disaster when the erratic stars stayed true to recent form and nearly sank the broadcast with their bizarre behavior.

Sheen, whose sitcom, What Happened to Emilio?, has been put on hiatus for the remainder of the television season, showed up 20 minutes late, forcing producers to fill the gap with old Popeye cartoons. The troubled actor walked on stage fully nude and, instead of delivering a monologue, beat up a prostitute and shouted profanities for 5 minutes. He was arrested and taken into custody by police just before the Best Animated Short film award was announced, prompting presenter Tom Hanks to quip, “What the f**k?” 

Audiences were shocked when many of the favorites in the major award categories, including Natalie Portman for Best Actress and The King’s Speech for Best Picture, failed to capture statuettes. It was later alleged that Sheen’s co-host, Lohan, had stolen the sealed envelopes announcing the winners and replaced them with her own. The originals were found in the trunk of Lohan’s car, which she initially claimed was not hers, despite the registration card in the glove compartment with her name on it.

She later said, ‘Me and Price Waterhouse Cooper are, like, really good friends, so I was just borrowing the envelopes from him.” 

To her credit, the plucky star finished her hosting duties without the help of Sheen.

Despite the grumbling of some nominees who walked away from the awards ceremony empty handed, ABC producers said that, once a winner’s name is read on the air, the victory is official. With that in mind, here are yesterday’s winners in the major categories:

Best Supporting Actress – Lindsay Lohan, Machete

Best Supporting Actor Actress Part II – Lindsay Lohan, Freaky Friday

Best Actress – Lindsay Lohan, I Know Who Killed Me

Best Actor Actress Part II – Lindsay Lohan, Herbie Fully Loaded

Best Director – Lindsay Lohan 

­Best Film – Lindsay Lohan

*****************************************************************

Most Popular Halloween Costumes for Kids

By Lacy Thundercake

Retail sales figures continue to be flattened by tepid economic growth and ongoing unemployment, but one business segment is seeing a (predictable) surge this October: The Halloween costume industry. With kids across the nation ready to take to the streets on Sunday and do their part to worsen childhood obesity, we asked Ben Tramer, president of costume retailer Insane Profit Margin, to let our readers know what all those greedy ingrates adorable little monsters will be wearing.

According to Tramer, these are the top sellers of 2010:

 

Yahoo commenter

The terrifying visage of knee-jerk ignorance, modeled after the hate-filled, intolerant ranter who leaves stupid comments following news articles. The Yahoo Commenter knows everything… except facts.

$19.95 (mask only)

 

 

Lindsay Lohan

“A cautionary tale,” in Tramer’s words, that is carefully treated to look much older than it really is. Replete with plastic puke and mysterious white powder.

$39.95 (mask and teenage runaway/prostitute outfit)

 

 

Rubber stamp

For the kid who plans to hit lots of houses in a very short time. “We call it the Rubber Stamp,” says Tramer, “but I prefer to think of it as ‘The Banality of Evil.’”

$24.95 (hat, jumpsuit)

 

 

John Boehner

“A house minority leader is always popular with kids,” explains Tramer. “They’re fascinated by branches of government.” No word on whether manufacturers are ramping up production on a Nancy Pelosi mask for next year.

$14.95 (mask)

 

 

Protestor at Rand Paul Event

Tramer tells us that ‘Security Thug at Joe Miller Event’ was a top seller until yesterday, when this design suddenly took off. “I support people’s First Amendment right to wear whatever Halloween costume they want,” he says.

$29.95 (mask)

 

 

Corporate CEO

“This one bumped ‘The Pimp’ out of our top six for he first time since 1966,” says Tramer. Despite the difficulty of trick-or-treating with puppet strings hanging from one’s fingers, kids are snapping up the costume. “Some things are better than candy,” he explains. “Like unlimited greed and hubris.”

$24.95 (suit jacket, puppets)

Lindsay Lohan has finally bitten off more than she can chew

Will Megan Fox win an Oscar because of it?

 

By Lacy Thundercake

Lohan in a scene from her latest film, "Konga: 2010." Critics are buzzing, but will Academy voters remember her performance next year?

 LOS ANGELES – Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan nearly choked to death at a trendy Los Angeles restaurant Saturday night after she attempted to swallow an oversized meatball, say witnesses. She was inadvertently saved by troubled actor Mel Gibson.

Lohan, notorious for shoving too much food in her mouth at once, was said to have ordered a menu item called “Death by Meatball” at MegaPasta, a popular eatery on Santa Monica Boulevard. According to sources at the scene, Lohan’s friends warned her not to attempt downing the spicy, round delicacy in one try, but the actress laughed them off and did it anyway. Seconds later, her face was turning purple.

A drunken Gibson, who happened to be dining there at the same time, allegedly mistook Lohan for his ex-girlfriend Oksana and began accosting her.

A waitress at the restaurant told the Anvil that Gibson shouted, “You ugly, purple-faced skank. I hope you get dry-humped by a gaggle of rabid kangaroos.” Allegedly, he then slammed Lohan against the wall, and the force of the impact dislodged the object from her throat.

Paramedics arrived a short time later and treated the 24-year-old actress at the scene. Gibson, a follower of noted first-century pacifist Jesus Christ, asked EMS workers if they were Jewish and, without waiting for an answer, began uttering anti-Semitic comments. He was quickly removed from the building by restaurant security.

“Patrons should know you can’t chew one of our meatballs whole,” said the restaurant’s manager, Luigi Cozzi. “It’s almost the size of my fist.”

Lohan was reportedly out celebrating because she learned she’d been cast to play Britney Spears in an upcoming biopic about the pop singer.

“Britney is such a screw up,” Lohan told The Hollywood Reporter just hours before the choking incident. “It’s sad what she’s done to her career. I hope this movie shames her into getting help.”

The busy star is also playing Paris Hilton in another biopic that starts shooting in the fall. That film, tentatively titled Famous for No Freaking Reason Whatsoever, is expected to be released next summer. Lohan, a method actress, has gone so far as to arrange a jail stint for herself later this month so she can fully understand Hilton’s life experience.

And in an odd twist that can only happen in Hollywood, untroubled actress Megan Fox has just been signed by New Line Cinema to play Lindsay Lohan in a biopic about Lohan starring in the biopics about Hilton and Spears.

Not to be outdone, Warner Brothers studios has just greenlit a biopic about Megan Fox playing Lohan playing Hilton and Spears. The role of Ms. Fox will be played by Gary Oldman. Also scheduled to appear in the film are Samuel L. Jackson and Sir Ben Kingsley, who will portray each other.

So where does Mel Gibson fit into all this?

Despite the numerous controversies surrounding the star, Gibson continues to direct and produce his own films. The man behind the international smash The Passion of the Christ plans to begin shooting a historical drama this fall about British oppression of Nazis during World War II.

“If you’ve seen my films,” Gibson said in last week’s issue of Fascist Aficionado, “You know what rotten people the British are. It’s time the world leaned the truth.”

Lindsay Lohan STILL not dead… Megan Fox FIRED from Schindler’s List reboot… Plus: Underwear

TRY THESE CELEBRITY SHOCKERS ON FOR SIZE!

 

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Lindsay Lohan parties the night away at a trendy Hollywood nightclub

LINDSAY: THE NEW RASPUTIN?

HOLLYWOOD – In a two-week period that saw the celebrity deaths of heavy metal veteran Ronnie James Dio, Slipknot bassist Paul Gray, ‘Golden Girl’ Rue McClanahan, and acting legend Gary Coleman, plus another actor named Dennis Hopper, the Grim Reaper proved once again he’s got a soft spot for 23-year-old Ms. Lohan.

Maybe it’s her sweet blue-gray eyes or girl-next-door freckles, but the Reaper continues to spare the tabloid princess, despite her increasingly bizarre and self-destructive behavior.

“Being weird isn’t usually fatal,” argues Mr. Reaper, though that sounds to us like an excuse. After all, he didn’t seem to feel that way last year when he claimed hitmaker-turned-superfreak Michael Jackson.

Across the country this week, office workers are angry or giving up on ‘dead celebrity’ pools altogether.

“I’ve had Lindsay since the beginning of the year,” says copier salesman Pinky Middleton of CopyYourButt Inc. “I’m bleeding money here.”

Mr. Reaper isn’t swayed.

“Oh, come on,” he says. “Who’s going to make money playing those odds?”     

MEGAN FOX DISSES; STEVEN SPIELBERG DISMISSES

HOLLYWOOD – Raven-haired beauty Megan Fox has been fired from the new Schindler’s List reboot by director Steven Spielberg, leaving the future of the superhero franchise in doubt.

The original film featured Irish actor Liam Neeson in the title role, playing a factory owner inspired to save his workers from Nazi oppression. The remake was to have gone in an action-oriented direction, with Fox starring as Desiree Schindler, a fascist-fighting superbabe with a magic lasso and the power to turn into a flying robot.

Megan first caught the attention of producers last year when she likened Transformers director Michael Bay to Adolph Hitler.

“We like that she has experience with effects movies,” executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer said at the time Fox’s casting was announced. “And, based on her comments about Mr. Bay, it’s obvious she dislikes Nazis, which is important for this role.”

But that was before the outspoken Ms. Fox made some questionable public observations about the first Schindler’s List film and its director.

“I can’t believe it was black and white,” the actress told reporters last week. “I mean, are we in film school or something? And the German accents. Why would Germans speak English to each other with a German accent?”

She went on to say, “Maybe it was black and white because [Spielberg] lost so much money on Hook, he couldn’t afford color film. Have you seen Hook? It’s shocking that, after they watched the dailies at the end of the first day, they didn’t scrap the whole thing right then and there.”

A disappointed Spielberg pressed a button yesterday, making Fox’s career vanish.

STARLETS, HEIRESSES WEARING MORE UNDERWEAR, SMOKING LESS CRACK

 

LOS ANGELES – Much to the chagrin of tabloid journalists and purveyors of celebrity-skin websites, several young actresses, singers, and heiresses have started wearing underwear in limos and stopped (allegedly) smoking crack. Some are no longer shaving their heads or attacking cars.

Paris Hilton’s cootchie has not been seen in public in two years, and Britney Spears hasn’t displayed bizarre, freak-out behavior (or her cootchie) in nearly as long.

Some blame the crack shortage that has devastated Los Angeles this spring, but others put responsibility on an even more insidious trend: Listening to one’s publicist. Hollywood gossip mongers now believe publicists have been advising clients against making internet sex tapes and using hardcore drugs. Let’s just hope these young ladies don’t listen to such wretched advice for long.

No word on when politicians and athletes will find out cheating on their wives with nightclub strippers and porn stars might cause a career glitch.

Entertainment News: Lohan lands in hot water!

OH, LINDSAY!

By Lacy Thundercake

 

LOS ANGELES – Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan fell from a balcony railing Friday night, landing in a Jacuzzi filled with overheated water, say Santa Monica police officers who responded to the 9-1-1 call. The star refused transportation to a hospital and was treated at the scene for minor burns.

When pressed, Police Chief Rodney Pushpin was unable to explain why the water was so hot. “Someone may have set the temperature too high,” he suggested. “Why the hell they [hot tub manufacturers] let you turn the dial past the warning is beyond me.”

Lohan, 57, said she fell in the water on purpose to wash baby powder from her shoes, but several witnesses stated she wasn’t using cocaine.

The incident, which took place at a private residence, is the latest in a string of controversies surrounding the actress in recent years. In 2005, she made headlines by skipping out on college to illegally race a white Volkswagen Beetle, nicknamed “Herbie,” but not before striking and nearly killing NASCAR legend Trip Murphy with the vehicle. A few years later she ran into trouble when she knew who killed her twin sister but didn’t tell anyone.   

The star is better known for scandals than acting these days, but Lohan had won critical praise for her performances in the hit films Freaky Friday (2003) and Mean Girls (2004). Her first big break came when she landed the role of “Tessio” in the acclaimed 1972 gangster classic, The Godfather, though she is probably most recognized for playing the murderer “Jason Voorhees” in four of the Friday the 13^th horror sequels. She also directed Star Wars.

There’s no way to predict how this latest incident will affect her already damaged reputation with movie audiences. She’ll have a chance to find out this summer when she stars in Citizen Kane II: Revenge of Rosebud, the long-awaited sequel to late director Orson Welles’ 1941 film-noir masterpiece. The follow up is being helmed by Crank 2: High Voltage director Brian Taylor.

Regarding Friday night’s hot-tub incident, Police Chief Pushpin said, “The most important thing to remember is Lindsay wasn’t seriously hurt. It could have been a lot worse.” He also noted that an unknown woman who’s not famous was killed when Lohan landed on her and broke her neck. Anyone with information regarding the victim’s identity is encouraged to contact Santa Monica police.