THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Kristen Stewart’

Even more SHOCKING news stories of 2011!

Posted by oldancestor on April 7, 2011

Warning: Only read this article if you are wearing rubber gloves and are not standing in water

______________________________________________________________________

 

Government Shot Down!   

By Eric J Baker

WASHINGTON DC – The Obama Administration’s experiment with aerial government appears to have ended in dismal failure as the Capitol Building – recently outfitted with wings and jet engines – was shot down today by members of Muammar Gaddafi’s Super-Sexy All-Female Commando Strike Team. No one was killed in the attack, though House Speaker John Boehner’s hair was mussed.

News of the surface-to-air missile strike resulted in spontaneous partying all across the United States, while political activists immediately set about to replace the injured politicians with candidates who are at least as bad, if not worse.

In an embarrassing side note, some media outlets mistakenly read the initial news report as a “government shutdown,” leading several reporters to write long, boring articles about budgets and spending that no one wants to read.

Those reporters are said to have been sacked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pope Bitten by Werewolf on the Set of New Twilight Film

by Lacy Thundercake

Pope Benedict escaped from his hospital room just after this story was written

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict was injured on the set of the upcoming film Twilight: Sunspot, currently in production, when he got too close to one of the werewolves featured in the story. The movie is being filmed on location in Rome, and the pontiff was on hand as an extra.

“People need to understand that werewolves are not dogs,” says animal trainer Pinky Middleton, not associated with the production. “They’re wild animals and should be treated as such.”

In the film, actor Taylor Lautner’s character, Jacob Black, finally ascends to the papacy while his rival, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison), is forced to turn tricks on the street so he can raise money to buy a huge engagement ring for that bitch, Bella (Kristen Stewart).

The werewolf that bit Pope Benedict was Lautner’s stunt beast. Attempts to put the animal down were unsuccessful when animal control officers could not locate a silver bullet.

From his hospital bed at Our Lady of the Grilled Cheese Miracle in Vatican City, the Pope told reporters he doesn’t blame the wolf and that he hopes “footage of the attack goes viral on YouTube.”

Pope Benedict is said to be a fan of the Twilight books and films, though he cites 1981’s The Howling as his favorite werewolf movie of all time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Billy Joel Stabbed by Crazed Fan

by Lacy Thundercake

NEW YORK – Pop singer and songwriter Billy Joel was attacked yesterday by a knife-wielding woman police identify as Brenda Rinetti, 59, of Hoboken, NJ. Joel was stabbed in the left foot and later taken to a local hospital, where he was listed in stable condition.

Ms. Rinetti’s lawyer told reporters today that she is not a crazed fan but, rather, a victim who was defending her honor.

“Mr. Joel, in his lyrics for the song ‘Scenes from an Italian Restaurant,’ deliberately identified my client by name, which we view as libel,” said her lawyer. “She has put up with this since the 1970s, but no more. We intend to seek damages.”

When informed that Joel was, in fact, singing, “Brenda and Eddie,” but slurring the words together, Ms. Rinetti’s lawyer said, “Really?”

From his hospital bed next to the Pope, Joel told reporters he was relieved the injury was to his left foot. “My right foot is my piano playing foot,” he said.

Aside from writing a few minor hit songs, Joel is probably best known for raising awareness of the Billy Joel-Christie Brinkley Syndrome, a debilitating disease that causes tall, beautiful models to become romantically involved with short, unattractive musicians. Despite the millions of dollars spent every year on medical research, no cure exists, thankfully.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

 

(Today’s image by Sandra Tarsitano) 

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments »

Kristen Stewart, Joran Van der Sloot in trouble again: Keep reading to find out which one killed somebody…

Posted by oldancestor on June 8, 2010

Twilight star Kristen Stewart says, “Earning millions… is like getting kicked in the crotch”

 

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Kristen Stewart is rushed to a hospital after she sprained her face trying to smile

HOLLYWOOD – As if vampires and werewolves weren’t bad enough, Bella Swan now faces an even graver threat: The words that come out of her mouth.

Kristen Stewart, who stars as the put-upon heroine in the Twilight film series, courted controversy in a recent interview by comparing fame to sexual assault. She has since apologized, but that didn’t stop her from telling reporters at the MTV Awards two days ago, “Earning millions of dollars to pout on camera is like getting kicked in the crotch all day. It sucks.”

After being forced to take the role of Bella at gunpoint and then enduring the adulation of millions of fans, the long-suffering Stewart may have reached her breaking point. Last week she underwent a painful surgical procedure that enables her to smile, simply so she can stop injuring her face trying to look happy once in a while. But her new grin will never mask the pain inside.

“I just want to be like everyone else,” she says, “either working for minimum wage at the mall or generating a hundred-thousand dollars in student loan bills that I’ll never be able to pay off while I slog away for 50 years as an insurance claims processor.”

OJ Simpson finally finds the Real Killer: Joran Van der Sloot

 

By Lacy Thundercake

 

LIMA, PERU – Dutchman Joran Van der Sloot is only two land masses into his quest of murdering seven women on seven continents, and he’s already hit a snag: OJ Simpson.

Simpson, who was acquitted of killing his ex-wife Nicole and innocent bystander Ronald Goldman in 1994, vowed to one day catch the real killer. And, according to Simpson’s lawyer, that day is here. It’s none other than Joran Van der Sloot, (alleged) murderer of American Natalee Holloway.

Unfortunately for the former football star, both he and his quarry are incarcerated for separate crimes several thousand miles from each other.

Simpson is currently serving a 33-year sentence for kidnapping and armed robbery, while Van der Sloot is being held in connection with the murder of a 21-year-old Peruvian woman. Van der Sloot was seen on a security video entering a hotel room with the woman last week and emerging alone a few hours later. The woman was found dead.

Simpson’s lawyer, Shyster McShady, says his client is willing to let bygones be bygones.

“We just wanted to identify the real killer, not send him to prison,” says McShady. “After Joran is out of jail and finishes his little killing spree, we have a proposition for him.”

It is believed Simpson plans to pitch a sitcom about two criminals who miraculously get away with murder once but are so dumb they brazenly commit a second heinous crime and are caught.

It may be a while before the program hits the airwaves, though. Van der Sloot has yet to kill a woman in Antarctica, a task which is difficult, experts say, owing to the sparse population and lack of tourist hotels.

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »