THE ANVIL

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Posts Tagged ‘King Kong’

Royal Wedding fiasco: Westminster Abbey double booked!

Posted by oldancestor on April 27, 2011

 
Kate’s special day ruined!

By Lacy Thundercake

 

LONDON – In what is sure to be remembered as one of the most embarrassing mishaps in the history of the British monarchy, wedding planners discovered last night that Westminster Abbey in London, the proposed site of Prince William’s marriage to Kate Middleton on Friday, is already booked for an unrelated event.

Family members from the Lipchitz-Goldstein wedding party, who made the earlier reservation, told royal officials to “bugger off” when they were asked to select a new date so the prince’s nuptials could take place as scheduled.

“I’ve got cousins flying in from the states to see my little daffodil get married,” said a teary Meryl Goldstein, mother of the bride. “Blimey. What shall I tell them? The Queen’s gone barmy and doesn’t know what day it is?”

Frank Lipchitz, father of the groom, concurs. “We ‘ad it first,” he says. “What are they going to do, throw us all in the Tower [of London, a former prison]? Won’t that be lovely?”

The mix-up is believed to have resulted from confusion over the first names of the engaged couple, Prince William Lipchitz and Kate Goldstein. Westminster Abbey officials admitted the couple’s parents called last year and said they needed to book a wedding hall for ‘Prince William and Kate.’

In a statement released to the press, Abbey spokesperson Sir Lemmy Kilimister said, “We regret that our chap working the phones didn’t ask enough questions. He has been sacked.”

(STORY CONTINUES BELOW IMAGE)

 

New problems for Westminster Abbey,
only just repaired after Kong’s 2006 attack (file photo) 

If arrangements cannot be made between the royal family and the Lipchitz-Goldstein party, the Prince’s wedding may be moved to the Hammersmith Apollo, a popular concert venue in London. Pop/rock legends Duran Duran are scheduled to perform a show that day, but royal officials said the marriage ceremony will be incorporated into the performance, likely taking place between music sets.

When told of the potential for a combo event, Duran Duran lead vocalist Simon Le Bon said, “Cor. I’ve always wanted to play for a posh crowd.”

Kate Middleton is said to be a fan of the band, but Oxford professor and expert on royal weddings being incorporated into rock concerts, Sir Edmund Bollocks, warns, “If she’s going to throw her brar-and-panties onto the stage, she’d better do it during the first set. She’ll be Princess Kate by the time the Fab Five come back for round two, and that kind of behavior would hardly be appropriate.”

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Hey Anvil readers! For more on the royal wedding and other silliness, check out my latest post for Pure Film Creative, where I talk about British girls named Kate, The Smelly Guy, and other transatlantic mayhem.

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Today’s top image provided by Hanson Anderson from Weird Dude’s Blog (not for the easily offended! I mean it!)

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Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 44 Comments »

Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan join forces to battle Gaddafi

Posted by oldancestor on March 19, 2011

But where’s Kong?

By Eric J Baker

 

Godzilla's Revenge: This man accepts his fate with typical Libyan stocism

TRIPOLI – Super monsters Godzilla, Mothra, and Rodan launched a surprise joint attack against the forces of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi today in an apparent effort to aid pro-democracy rebels there. United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki Moon quickly condemned the monsters for acting outside the confines of international law.

“They [the monsters] have no authority to conduct an invasion of Libya,” Ban told reporters at UN headquarters in New York. “It says so on this piece of paper I’m holding.”

The arrival of the beasts in the North African country coincided with missile strikes carried out by the United States and its allies. Witnesses say Godzilla vaporized several Libyan tanks and artillery vehicles with his atomic breath, while Mothra and Rodan mostly flapped their wings, adding to the confusion.

Notably absent from the battle was the giant ape King Kong, who has professed neutrality in recent years and currently resides in Switzerland, a nation often referred to as ‘the Wisconsin of Europe’ for its cheese-making prowess.

During a televised interview today, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin called Kong, “the biggest coward since a bunch of socialists got together,” and later called for additional airstrikes against Switzerland.

The reclusive Godzilla is probably most famous for introducing the world to what historians call the Godzilla Doctrine, adding to an already overly long list of doctrines that are impossible to keep sorted.

“Well, you have the Monroe Doctrine, which is quite boring, really,” says historian Sir Edmund Bollocks. “There’s the Bush Doctrine, justifying preemptive war in cases of national security, and the Palin Doctrine, which amounts to jabbering on and on about a subject without knowledge of it. The Godzilla Doctrine basically says ‘show up unannounced and stomp the sh*t out of everything for no reason.’”

International affairs experts disagree on the motives behind the new monster alliance. Some believe the attack against Gaddafi is a reality show stunt, while others claim that Godzilla and Mothra are trying to help energize the stalled career of Rodan, who has never been able to achieve the popularity of his fellow giants.

Angry Pink Bunny, head writer for the fake news journal, The Avocado, has a different theory.

“If I were trying to figure out what kinds of articles might draw more readers to my blog, I’d probably look on the stats page to see the search engine phrases people have used recently,” he says. “And if I noticed that every single day, without fail, someone has typed in some bizarre search term related to Godzilla, I’d probably do a Godzilla article. I might even make sure the word ‘Godzilla’ appears numerous times.”

Other fake news journals, including The Anvil, dismiss the theory as unrealistic, given that anyone with journalistic integrity would continue composing thoughtfully crafted political satire that only a few loyal people read rather than throw one bizarre topic after another out there just to see what gets the most clicks.

[Speak for yourself – ed.]

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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments »