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Pacifist serial killers struggle to find identity

Posted by oldancestor on March 8, 2011

An Anvil special report

By Eric J Baker

Lesser fake news journals make "cereal" killer jokes

John Wayne Gacy.  Jeffrey Dahmer. Dick Cheney.

The mere mention of their names sends chills down the spines of most Americans. Those of us old enough to have lived through the discovery of these madmens heinous crimes will never forgot the horrors: Dozens of bodies shoved in the crawlspace under a house. Dismembered victims hauled out of an apartment in barrels. No-bid contracts in Iraq.

We are left to wonder what new face will one day join the gallery of psychopaths? What crazed lunatic is still out there, eluding the authorities, ready to strike again?

But are those the questions we should be asking? Despite investigative reporters continuing to rely on clichéd phrases for awkward segues, times change. The Anvil took to the streets to discover what life is like for the postmodern serial killer, and our findings might surprise you.

Im conflicted, says Ned, a serial killer from Dallas, Texas. I hate violence. You might call me a conscientious objector, I suppose. But, at the same time, Im a psychotic murderer. Its tough.

Ned, a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line, says that hes met other men at serial-killer bars who consider themselves part of a new, pacifist generation of serial murderers.

To investigate his assertion, we went to a popular dive for deranged lunatics in downtown Cincinnati, Ohio called Splatter Petes, where we met Steve, a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line.

Steve told us, I am totally a pacifist. Just because I have 20 bodies buried in my back yard doesnt mean Im not a gentle creature. Did you know I volunteer at a soup kitchen and build houses for Habitat for Humanity? I love people.

Steve laments that he cant find a way to reconcile his non-violent nature with his murdering.

Im what you fancy writers call a paradox. And I wish there was something I could do about it.

There may be hope for men like Steve. A company in Moscow, Russia called Krazee Alexis has started producing a line of products targeted at the pacifist serial killer market, including their flagship item, a life-sized prostitute doll that fits perfectly in the passenger seat of a pick-up truck and can be strangled over a hundred times on one nine-volt battery.  To satisfy the pacifist, every time she is killed, Krazee Alexis releases a cage full of doves and broadcasts an Art Garfunkel song on satellite radio.

With a list price of $3,999, plus international shipping, Anna Karenina  isnt cheap, but we were able to track down at least one satisfied customer.

Joe, a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line, bought one last summer and hasnt murdered since.

Those guys over at Krazee Alexis are great, he says. Theyre coming out with a model next year that shoots rose petals when you stab it. If thats not peace and love, I dont know what is.

Not all serial killers are buying into the pacifist movement, though.

I think its plain, old stupid, says Susan Blais, an evil landlady and serial murderer who owns an apartment building  in Hollywood, California. I got bodies stacked up to the ceiling in the basement of this rats nest, and Id have more, but the ceiling doesnt go any higher.

After taking a drag of her Cuban cigar and spitting, she adds, Im gonna need a bigger building.

Dont miss part 2 of our special report tomorrow, when her tenant, who would only identify himself as James, complains of the smell.



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