THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Hosni Mubarak’

Economists warn of job losses in evil dictator industry

Posted by oldancestor on February 22, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Idi Amin, former dictator of Uganda, living in exile on Planet X

 

WASHINGTON DC – The rising tide of civil unrest across the Middle East and northern Africa may bode well for democracy, but it isn’t doing much to help jobless figures. Each time a brutal regime is overthrown, say economists, another name goes on the unemployment roll.

“It’s true,” says Mary Smith, an economist.

While she may feel comfortable showing a flippant, heartless attitude when discussing people’s ruined careers and lost dreams, the grim news is hitting close to home for some.

“I hate being a statistic,” says Hosni Mubarak, 82, who recently lost his job as oppressive ruler of Egypt. “I want to work, but who is going to hire me at my age when some kid fresh out of college is willing to crush rebellion and stifle freedom for a quarter of my salary?”

Skeletor, who briefly ruled Eternia before being overthrown by He-Man (also not elected) two years ago, claims to have turned in over 200 applications since then without landing a single job interview.

“I’ve commanded legions of beasts. I’ve turned skies black. I’ve laid siege to magic castles,” he says. “But will anyone hire me? No. I also have a masters degree in business administration, by the way.”

Even those still employed in the industry are feeling the pressure. Muammar Gaddafi, who has ruled Libya for over 40 years, says can feel change in the air.

“Sure, I go on TV and say, ‘dissent will not be tolerated, you infidel dogs,’ or ‘you guys are about to accidentally open up a big can of whoop-ass that cannot be closed,’” he told The Anvil today via telephone from his home in Tripoli. “But, realistically, they’ll probably shoot me one of these days.”

Gaddafi adds with a laugh, “At least I hope they shoot me! What else can I do for a living?  Barista at Starbucks? Oppressing people and sponsoring terrorism is all I know.”

Other economists, who are not such icy bitches as Mary Smith, sympathize with the plight of Mubarak and others but also believe the evil dictator industry has not changed with the times.

Ricky Roma of Mitch and Murray, a New York-based economic policy think tank, says, “Kids don’t get into the language of evil dictators these days.  Look at the guy in North Korea, what’s his name. The deadbeat. Kim something. He says, ‘I, your dear leader, will wield the mighty sword of the free workers to combat the enemies of justice bla bla bla. Who tawks like that?”

Roma says young people are the consumers who drive the world leader market these days. “They want someone edgy and hip, not some weirdo in a Cossack uniform who listens to Edith Piaf records and collects antique deep-sea-diving helmets.”

When asked who he thinks will be the next ruler of North Korea will be, Roma smiles and says, “Kanye, of course. You ask me twelve, fifteen years ago, I say Prince. But it’s Kanye. Don’t quote me.”

Don’t miss Part Two of our one-part series on evil dictators tomorrow, when we interview Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, Than Shwe of Myanmar, and the editor of The Anvil.

[Perhaps you should start preparing a story on unemployed journalists. You can file it freelance- ed.]

*******************************************************************

Posted in Business | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 25 Comments »

Egyptians protesting without permits!

Posted by oldancestor on February 2, 2011

Obama: “In that case, nuke ‘em.”

By Eric J Baker

Are these men angry at their government or happy their team scored?

CAIRO – An Anvil investigation has revealed that the thousands of protestors storming the streets in Egypt this week have been doing so without permits, prompting world leaders to shift their support away from democratic reform and toward totalitarianism.

Speaking from the rose garden prior to boarding whatever-the-helicopter-is-called, President Obama told the White House Press Corps today that, “There’s no excuse for failing to follow the rule of law. Democracy is cool, but they should stand in line for permits just like they would if they wanted to install a built-in pool.”

Other leaders, including French President Nicolas Sarkozy and Glenn Beck, prime minister of Glennbeckistan, have condemned the protests, with Sarkozy decrying the lack of “hot” female protestors and Beck saying, “I think all these people should go back to Egypt if they don’t like the way Mubarak is running things.”

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak himself has said he is fine with the protests, but, as President Obama pointed out only four paragraphs ago, protocols must be followed.

“Hey,” Mubarak told reporters this morning, “you just need to go down to the local municipal office, pay two bucks, and you can protest. Is that too much to ask?”

Yes, according to protest organizer Stan Tut.

“Let me tell you about getting the permit in Cairo,” Tut told The Anvil via telephone today. “They ask you why you want to protest. I say, ‘I want to overthrow the government.’ Then they take my two bucks and kick me out! The only choice is violence.”

Indeed, Egypt has become a violent place, as CNN reporter Anderson Cooper found out yesterday when he and his film crew were caught in a skirmish between anti-government protesters and Mubarak supporters. Footage taken by cameramen shows Cooper being staggered by a blow after the crowd surged around him.*

Cooper was quoted by sort-of news Web site Huffington Post as saying, “I’ve never been punched in the head before.” Prior to the punching incident, Cooper was believed to be the only male over the age of five on the entire planet who has never been punched in the head.

Protestor and part-time caterer Fuad Ramses, who was present at the attack, said, “Tell him to come back with a real first name, and maybe we don’t punch him in the head.”

In other news, Time magazine has preemptively declared the guy who invented road salt to be “Man of the Year.”

__________________________________________________________ 

 

* Maybe. We didn’t actually watch it.

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , | 19 Comments »

Egyptian protestors knock Great Pyramid over, forcing the question: Is it still a pyramid?

Posted by oldancestor on January 28, 2011

 

Oops.

By Eric J Baker

CAIRO – Egyptian protestors, still angry over Simon Cowell’s departure from the hit reality TV show, American Idol, stormed a popular tourist attraction in their country yesterday, knocking the famed Pyramid of Giza on its side. Hundreds of mummies living under the structure were forced to scurry for cover.

The ancient construction, believed to be the four largest triangles in the world, was otherwise undamaged in the attack, but its toppling leaves science with a challenging conundrum: Is it still a pyramid?

“Technically, the square part of a pyramid is the base,” says University of Detroit Online mathematician Pinky Middleton, who was not associated with the building of the structure 4,500 years ago. “Since the Giza pyramid’s square base is now facing sideways instead of down, we don’t know what to call it. There is no word known to geometry.”

A team of UN polygonists is scheduled to fly to Egypt this weekend to study the object firsthand. The examination is expected to last ten tears and result in a 75,000-page report.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, speaking to reporters earlier today, had harsh words for the space aliens who built the structure in 2,500 BC.

“Why, why, why did they use a quadrilateral pyramid and not a tetrahedron?” a visibly angry Mubarak said. “You knock  a tetrahedron over and what do you have? A pyramid! It’s always a pyramid, no matter what.”

A tetrahedron is a pyramid with a triangle on each side, rather than one side being a square base.

An official representative for the protestors could not be reached for comment, but an angry youth who was present at the attack was willing say, on condition of anonymity, “We’ve done far worse than bring down Mubarak’s regime. We toppled the pyramid. And we wish to go on… toppling pyramids.”

The comment is thought to be the first time in fake-news history that two articles made pointless and tangential references to Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan within the same week.

Some good came from yesterday’s toppling, at least as far as scientists are concerned: The mummies that escaped went on a mad rampage, devouring the flesh of tourists, police, and protesters alike before fanning out into the sandy countryside in search of more humans to disembowel and eat.

“We think this may be a species of mummy previously unknown to science,” explains Vincent Dawn, professor of zoology at The Nile Institute in Alexandria. “Other mummies tend to just strangle their victims, but these creatures exhibit very zombie-like behavior. Interesting.”

He went on to say, “I don’t know what the geometrists are going to call that new shape, but I’m going to call it The House That Simon Cowell Toppled.”

Anti-flesh-eating-mummy protestors protesting the original protestors for freeing the mummies are demanding Cowell be brought up on charges for offending the original protestors by quitting American Idol.

“It’s all about personal accountability,” said one of the protestors today as she smashed a random storefront window and set a car on fire.

________________________________________

________________________________________

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »