THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘GOP’

Mitt Romney in a Landslide

Posted by oldancestor on March 14, 2012

Romney, just hours before disaster struck.

 

By Lacy Thundercake

JAKARTA – Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney narrowly escaped injury in Indonesia today when heavy rains caused a landslide that washed away part of a village where he was campaigning.

The working-class, blue-collar politician was in Southeast Asia, where he owns several small countries, to drum up support for his candidacy. Thousands of locals had braved inclement weather to cheer on Michigan-born Romney, unaware the very ground they stood on was about to vanish.

“I keep telling people I have support in the south, and this proves it,” said a smiling Romney just moments after the landslide occurred.

400 people were killed in the disaster.

In other election news, never-say-die GOP hopeful Rick Santorum planted himself in a flower pot today.

“What’s good for plants is good for people,” said Santorum as campaign volunteers buried him up to his chest in black potting soil.

The politician drew attention earlier this week when he told attendees at an energy summit in Mississippi that carbon dioxide was not harmful to the atmosphere. “Tell that to a plant, how dangerous carbon dioxide is,” Santorum is quoted as saying.*

Phone messages from The Anvil left at Santorum’s campaign headquarters offering to put the former Pennsylvania senator in a room with nothing but carbon dioxide to breathe for 10 hours were not returned.

When asked by reporters at the potting ceremony if he had blood or chlorophyll in his veins, Santorum said, “Chlorophyll is junk science.”

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 * If you think I made that up, you’re wrong. You can read the quote right here.

Posted in Breaking News!, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments »

Surprising results of Iowa straw poll

Posted by oldancestor on March 14, 2011

Also: Royal violence in London (see below)

By Eric J Baker

This man is so deformed his face looks like a question mark

 

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – Pollsters were shocked today when the children of Mrs. Bluebonnets first grade class at West Captain Kirk Elementary School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa chose straight straws over curly ones by a two-to-one margin. It had been believed that most kids preferred the curly straws.

This throws the election landscape into total disarray, said political analyst Paul Naschy. Its completely shocking. Its also utterly unexpected. I have nothing to say, do I?

When asked why she chose the straight straws, Emma Jellybone, age 7, said, It takes too long to drink a milkshake with a curly one.

Emmas teacher, Mrs. Bluebonnet, was unwilling to say which straw she preferred but did say she thought the political analyst quoted in the second paragraph was an inarticulate buffoon.

Did you notice the redundancy, she said. Have you ever heard of partial disarray? Can something be kind of shocking or a little bit unexpected? The answer is no.

When asked to choose between Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, or any of the tall, handsome mainstream Republicans who actually have a snowballs chance in hell of getting the GOP nomination in 2012, Mrs. Bluebonnets kids picked straws again.

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NEW BLOODSHED IN ENGLAND

LONDON – Forces loyal to Queen Elizabeth II stormed Great Britains Parliament building today, briefly capturing it until they were beaten back by the armies of The Usurper, Prime Minister David Cameron.

Cameron appeared on BBC shortly after the battle to reassure Brits that government was functioning normally.

Queens are a ghastly nuisance, arent they? he said.

RAF pilots later bombed Windsor castle to, in Camerons words, make way for a lovely shopping commons and maybe some sort of aquarium or garden.

BBC political analyst Sir Edward Bollocks said the queens attack was not a serious attempt to win back authority for the monarchy.

She knows she cant win, said Bollocks. She just wants that tart of a future granddaughter-in-law [Kate Middleton, Prince Williams fiancé] to know who has the biggest family jewels.

When reached for comment, Middleton told us to Bugger off.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments »