THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Godzilla’

Anvil Limericks

Posted by oldancestor on June 13, 2011

editorial note: Please read the important message following these important limericks

 

By Lennie

 

There once was a blogger named Me

Who offered his brilliance for free

He’s not very wordy

His blogs are not dirty

Except the ones on PFC

 

Godzilla

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Every news story’s a thriller

Not once have we posted filler*

But I might be a geek

Because once a week

I post a bit on Godziller

 

There once was a woman named Palin

Whose brain was perpetually failin’

She’s clucking her tongue

Her verbiage is dung

Maybe she needs a Pygmalion

 

Weiner sent lots of pics

To all of his favorite chicks

But to his surprise

They were seen by the eyes

Of all the Toms, Harrys, and Dicks

 

Not Alice Cooper

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you’ve read this far you’re a trouper

Or perhaps you’re just in a stupor

This one’s for the chicks

As I troll for clicks

With a photograph of Bradley Cooper

 

 

* except today

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Hey Superfriends! Check out my new post “I’m Too Sexy for My Car” at Pure Film Creative. I promise no full frontal nudity this time!

 

In an Internet first, I talk about lying politicians, obnoxious drivers, and Dutch prostitutes from the 1700s… at the same time!  

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Posted in Poetry | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 32 Comments »

2011: The Year in Pictures

Posted by oldancestor on June 3, 2011

Gamera the Flying Turtle monster makes triumphant return to Washington DC

These exclusive images, taken by our award-winning team of photojournalists, represent the finest in Pulitzer-prize-nominated… er, images. Because we go by the Mercurian year, which is only 88 days, we are able to bring you the year’s best pictures many months before anyone else can. Suck it, Time/Life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Splitsville! Bielzilla is no more.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Jedi weapons are no match for Darth Megalon

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Splitsville! MechaHugh in no more.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Another barrier comes crashing down: The first Smog Monster weatherman

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Megan's touch makes Godzilla overheat. We'd have just peed our pants.

Posted in Arts | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments »

Godzilla’s career on the rocks after sex scandal

Posted by oldancestor on May 30, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Godzilla at the White House last year (file photo)

TOKYO – Godzilla, considered by many to be the world’s biggest movie star, may find his career in shambles following revelations he fathered a child by another woman while married to Mrs. Godzilla.

The mystery woman, who has not given her name, came forward last week to declare that her five-year-old son was the offspring of the cinematic giant. She said she was suspicious from the beginning when the child hatched from an egg and resembled a dinosaur.

“I wanted to believe it was my husband’s, but inside I knew the truth,” she said in an exclusive interview today with The Anvil. “Still, I wouldn’t trade that one night of passion for anything.”

The woman’s husband was quoted by witnesses as bragging, “My wife did Godzilla!”

 

The Mystery Woman

When the allegations first surfaced, fans and entertainment reporters alike expected a quick denial from the saurian star. When none was forthcoming, suspicions were aroused. Then came the bombshell: Mrs. Godzilla’s public announcement that she was separating from her husband after 25 years of marriage.

“ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR,” she said, maintaining her composure in the face of reporters’ probing, sometimes intensely personal questions.

Godzilla quickly admitted to the affair and said he would take full responsibility for the child’s educational and financial needs.

Though he was praised for being forthright about the scandal, Godzilla’s star status is taking a hit, as is his bank account. The actor was fired today from the upcoming Arnold Schwarzenegger biopic, How Green was My Governor, in which Godzilla was set to star as the popular Austrian bodybuilder-turned-politician. Now, the dream of winning the academy award that has long eluded him may go unfulfilled at least a while longer.

Rival monster Gamera, The Flying Turtle is in talks to replace Godzilla on the film. Gamera won an Emmy last year for playing the island in the series finale of the TV show Lost.

 

Gamera, rising star

Godzilla and Mrs. Godzilla had no children during their two and a half decades of marriage, though Godzilla has a son, Minya, from a previous relationship.

Godzilla was briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor in the early 1960s.

He rose to fame in Japan in the 1950s when he starred in legendary director Akira Kurosawa’s The 700-ft Samurai. His first American film was Giant, in which he played the titular character opposite the late James Dean. His biggest hit was the film Immense (1999), the sequel to 1997’s Titanic.

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Life takes strange turns, doesn’t it? For example, until a week ago, I never thought I’d be reviewing a fashion exhibit for an entertainment blog, yet if you go check out my new story for Pure Film Creative, that’s exactly what happened.

Here’s a sample of it from the Alexander McQueen show currently in New York. Click the link above to read my take on it.

 

Does this make my butt look big?

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments »

Sarah Palin lookalike… after man has 233 plastic surgeries!

Posted by oldancestor on April 10, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

Norman Ubsy talks Tucker Carlson on Fox News' edgy spinoff, Foxy News

LOS ANGELES – A U.S. Postal Service employee in California recently underwent a record 233rd cosmetic surgery in his quest to become an exact replica of former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Last night, he made his first guest-hosting appearance on Foxy News Channel, a spin-off of Fox News, and is said to be in negotiations for a regular spot.

When asked why he wanted to look like Palin, Norman “Chubsy” Ubsy said, “At first it was because I wanted to see her naked. Since there don’t seem to be any nudes pics floating around out there, I thought, ‘Hey, I know another way.’”

Ubsy, who is genetically an African American man, says the more he learned about Palin, the more he liked her.

“I’m a gun owner and support the second amendment. I also believe in smaller government,” he explains. “These are things I thought about when they put in the breast implants and removed my privates, and these are the things I think about when I look at myself naked in a full-length mirror.”

Ubsy’s surgeon, Dr. Herbert West of Unethical Plastics, a Southern California fast-surgery center, said changing Ubsy into Palin was gratifying.

“I was particularly disappointed that Michael Jackson died before I was able to finish turning him into the alien that crawls out of the mother ship at the end of Close Encounters,” he told The Anvil. “When I have a patient who has money yet is clearly mentally disturbed, I want to turn that patient into the freakazoid he dreams of becoming.”

West is also known for using radical surgery to turn eccentric billionaire Roopvani Patel into a Rubik’s Cube and for turning Jesse Eisenberg from the Guy Who Reminds People of Michael Cera into Jesse Eisenberg.

Not everyone is so pleased with West’s handiwork.

Tina T. Tyler, an expert from the Alliteration Institute in Denver, Colorado says, “Pistol-packing pretend-Palin postal persons piss me off. Silly surgeons slicing and sculpting Sarah simulations steam me as well.”

Ubsy says he is not fazed by all the criticism. “I’ve got other things to worry about. Now that I look like Palin, I’m trying real hard to unlearn everything I know about civics and geopolitics and replace it with winks and snark.”

The surgeries cost Ubsy a combined 1.9 million dollars, a lot of money for a postal worker. If his huge ratings from last night’s Foxy News appearance are any indication, though, he’ll be making it back in no time.

“People wanted Sarah in a bra and panties, and I gave it to them,” he says. “I’m every bit the businessman she is.”

The real Palin was unable to be reached for comment, but Hollywood insiders are already buzzing that she and her counterpart are in talks with 20th Century Fox executives to star in a film entitled, Palin Vs. Mecha-Palin as well as two sequels, Palin vs. Mecha-Palin vs. Godzilla and Palin, Godzilla, Mecha-Palin, and MechaGodzilla: Monsters’, Palins’, and Mecha-Monster Palins’ All Out Mecha-Monster War.

Michael Bay is expected to direct.

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Greetings, Anvil readers. I’ve done another guest post for filmmaker James Killough’s Pure Film Creative, which you can read here. Check it out and tell me what you think, but please note the content there is a bit edgier.

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Today’s image is another great contribution by Sandra Tarsitano

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Posted in Health and Living, Media | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments »

Animals make bad pets!

Posted by oldancestor on April 5, 2011

An editorial by Lennie

When pets attack: Remember Godzilla's tragic Dancing with the Stars appearance?

About the writer: Lennie is the author of Don’t Give to Charity – It Only Teaches People to Take and The Real Science Behind Unicorns. He’s also in the Lennie’s Book of World Records for “Coolest, most popular, best-looking guy.”

His uncle owns The Anvil.

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Like all humans, I don’t care what happens to anyone else, but some people are taking their selfish disregard for the world around them to new depths. Folks, animals are living creatures, not matchbox cars or decorative candles. In other words, they are not pets!

Don’t be lulled into a false sense of affection by their sad eyes and soft fur. Those are evolutionary adaptations specifically designed by God to get these creatures into your house.

Why? Because they are too lazy to build their own houses. I didn’t use my family connections to gain employment, cheat on my taxes to get a big refund, or date a woman with zero self-esteem who I browbeat into doing all my housework… just so some “rodent with fur” can steal my thunder. Seriously, is there a worse combination of traits than being conniving and lazy? That’s animals for ya.

Not to mention they are dangerous. Some scary animal facts:

1. In the movie Jaws, a huge great white shark eats a bunch of people. You may be thinking, “Lennie, ‘huge’ and ‘great’ are kind of redundant.” Well that’s how huge it was.

2. Polar bears can smell a pie cooling on your window sill from the North Pole. Don’t you feel violated? While we’re on the subject, maybe you should stop putting pies on your window sill. You’re not a cartoon character.

3. In Ohio in the 1980s, a woman named Medusa kept pet snakes that, no doubt, had soft fur and sad eyes. Despite warnings, she allowed them to sleep at the foot of her bed. Guess what? During the night, they planted eggs in her head and snakes eventually grew in place of hair. She could not get a date after that and died a lonely spinster 50 years later. It sounds like an urban legend, but it’s not, because my friend’s cousin’s neighbor knew her.

4. Cats and dogs have bacteria on them. Ew. You don’t want that stuff near your face, do you?

5. During a live animal show in San Diego last year that featured tigers and lions, a woman in the audience got food poisoning from eating an undercooked hamburger. A hamburger made of beef.

6. Kittens are cute and cuddly all right, but leave a baby unattended around one, and you’ll come back to find a cradle full of small bones. Fact.

7. Dog biscuits are made in sweat shops by underage foreign children working 12 hours a day. Meanwhile, our preteens are unemployed and wasting time!

Now that you know the facts, take the next step and drop your house animal off at the nearest pet recycling center before you forget. You can probably get rid of your spiders that way, too, but do it fast so no one gets suspicious.

Consider yourself informed.

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(Today’s image by Sandra Tarsitano)

Posted in Editorial | Tagged: , , , , , | 58 Comments »

Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan join forces to battle Gaddafi

Posted by oldancestor on March 19, 2011

But where’s Kong?

By Eric J Baker

 

Godzilla's Revenge: This man accepts his fate with typical Libyan stocism

TRIPOLI – Super monsters Godzilla, Mothra, and Rodan launched a surprise joint attack against the forces of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi today in an apparent effort to aid pro-democracy rebels there. United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki Moon quickly condemned the monsters for acting outside the confines of international law.

“They [the monsters] have no authority to conduct an invasion of Libya,” Ban told reporters at UN headquarters in New York. “It says so on this piece of paper I’m holding.”

The arrival of the beasts in the North African country coincided with missile strikes carried out by the United States and its allies. Witnesses say Godzilla vaporized several Libyan tanks and artillery vehicles with his atomic breath, while Mothra and Rodan mostly flapped their wings, adding to the confusion.

Notably absent from the battle was the giant ape King Kong, who has professed neutrality in recent years and currently resides in Switzerland, a nation often referred to as ‘the Wisconsin of Europe’ for its cheese-making prowess.

During a televised interview today, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin called Kong, “the biggest coward since a bunch of socialists got together,” and later called for additional airstrikes against Switzerland.

The reclusive Godzilla is probably most famous for introducing the world to what historians call the Godzilla Doctrine, adding to an already overly long list of doctrines that are impossible to keep sorted.

“Well, you have the Monroe Doctrine, which is quite boring, really,” says historian Sir Edmund Bollocks. “There’s the Bush Doctrine, justifying preemptive war in cases of national security, and the Palin Doctrine, which amounts to jabbering on and on about a subject without knowledge of it. The Godzilla Doctrine basically says ‘show up unannounced and stomp the sh*t out of everything for no reason.’”

International affairs experts disagree on the motives behind the new monster alliance. Some believe the attack against Gaddafi is a reality show stunt, while others claim that Godzilla and Mothra are trying to help energize the stalled career of Rodan, who has never been able to achieve the popularity of his fellow giants.

Angry Pink Bunny, head writer for the fake news journal, The Avocado, has a different theory.

“If I were trying to figure out what kinds of articles might draw more readers to my blog, I’d probably look on the stats page to see the search engine phrases people have used recently,” he says. “And if I noticed that every single day, without fail, someone has typed in some bizarre search term related to Godzilla, I’d probably do a Godzilla article. I might even make sure the word ‘Godzilla’ appears numerous times.”

Other fake news journals, including The Anvil, dismiss the theory as unrealistic, given that anyone with journalistic integrity would continue composing thoughtfully crafted political satire that only a few loyal people read rather than throw one bizarre topic after another out there just to see what gets the most clicks.

[Speak for yourself – ed.]

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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments »

High fuel costs force Japan to scrap Mecha-Godzilla

Posted by oldancestor on July 13, 2010

Estimated annual fuel cost: A gajillion yen!

 

By Eric J Baker

YOU'RE FIRED!

TOKYO – Japan’s once-vaunted Mecha-Godzilla robot, which was supposed to be mankind’s answer to the relentless giant-monster attacks that have plagued East Asia since the 1950s, has been mothballed, perhaps permanently. Japan’s Defense Ministry cites the high cost of fuel and the recent global recession as the primary reasons for terminating the program.

“It’s a sad day for the proud nation of Japan,” said Mecha-G Force director Akira Takasaki at a press conference in Tokyo yesterday. “Mecha-Godzilla runs on gasoline, as you all know, and it’s become cost-prohibitive to fill his tank. You can fly a 747 from here to New York with less fuel than is consumed in an hour of Mecha-G operation.”

Indeed, that fact is bittersweet vindication for Takasaki, who was heavily criticized at the time of the robot’s construction in the early 1990s for designing it to be the same size as Godzilla.

“Why don’t they just make it twice as big and kill Godzilla in five seconds?” asked then US Vice-President Dan Quayle at the time. It turns out, though, the scaled-down version was able to stay running far longer than the proposed “Double Mecha-G” would have, given gas prices in recent years.

Now, at last, the bad economy has caught up to the gleaming silver warrior and sent it to the unemployment line like so many millions of us humans.

But how effective has the program really been? The giant robot helped Japan’s elite G-Spotter Team repel Godzilla on numerous occasions, but the massive gray-green mutant tyrannosaur has not been killed, as was promised by the Japanese government when attempting to justify the high cost of the project.

Even today, Godzilla remains defiant, saying this morning via Twitter, “AAAAAAARRRRRRRUUUUH!”

Citizens all across Japan are outraged over news of the robot’s forced retirement.

“So they raise my taxes to pay for this thing and then tell me they can’t afford to fuel it?” asks Pinky Fukuda, a truck driver from Hokkaido. “How expensive will it be to repair Tokyo next time Godzilla destroys it? Who’s going to pay for that?”

11-year-old Kenji Sahara of Okinawa echoes Fukuda’s words, telling the Anvil, “Super-Excellent Robot attacks are listed! Go Go Goji! Collect them all and friends shout Ya!”

On this side of the Pacific, some politicians and pundits are calling for sanctions against Japan.

“What if Fidel Castro bought this thing on the black market?” asked Fox News television host Glenn Beck during last night’s broadcast. “I’m sorry folks, but you can say goodbye to Florida.”

Beck’s ghost writer is said to already be working on a novel about liberals building a giant gay robot that attacks an all-white elementary school putting on a play about Moses and the Ten Commandments.  

So what will become of the 250-foot-tall Mecha-Godzilla, which cost an estimated 75 billion dollars to design and construct?

Perverts are urging the government to melt it down and use the technology and parts to build commercially available humanlike androids that resemble Japanese schoolgirls in skirts and white panties.

“Japan has always been at the forefront of robotics,” says a pervert who declined to give his name. “I suggest this idea not for my own enjoyment but for the economic benefit.”

Experts say there’s only a one- to two-percent chance such androids will retain memory of Mecha-Godzilla’s original command to attack and destroy things its own size, which, in that unlikely event, would be humans.

A one- to two-percent chance.

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Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , , , | 4 Comments »