THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Gamera’

Hillary Clinton e-mails picture of her clint

Posted by oldancestor on June 6, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Exclusive: Hillary's shocking Twitter pic

WASHINGTON DC – Secretary of State Hillary Clinton admitted today to e-mailing a picture of her pet turtle, Clint, to at least six of her Twitter followers recently.

“My Clint is cute as a button,” Clinton told reporters today. “I wanted people to see it.”

The turtle is so named, says the doting pet owner, for its alleged resemblance to Academy Award ™ winning actor and director Clint Eastwood, and not because of her last name. The likeness between the star and Clinton’s reptile could not be independently confirmed at press time.

Among Clinton’s Twitter followers is New York Democratic Congressman and popular underwear model Anthony Weiner, who made headlines himself recently for his own controversial e-mails. He says he understands what Clinton is going through.

“I sent pictures of my Weiner to people,” the congressman told The Anvil via telephone today. “And some folks were a little upset. But I thought it was adorable and the chicks dig it.”

Weiner is Weiner’s pet snake.

Oxford University professor and expert on reptile photographs Sir Edmund Bollocks said people are uncomfortable with turtle pictures because the animals live so long.

“Turtles are like little, shelled, soul-stealing monsters,” says Bollocks. “We mammals wither and age and lose control of our bowels, yet turtles just live and live and live like they own the place. If they ever learn to talk, they’ll be quite in demand. ‘Of course I knew Churchill,’ and so forth.”

Clinton said she’s not sorry about sending the picture.

“People are always shouting, ‘show us your… cat,’” she explains. “Cats are fine, but turtles need attention too.”

No word on whether Newt Gingrich plans to email photos of his pet amphibian or Dick Durbin intends to distribute pictures of his next campaign poster.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments »

2011: The Year in Pictures

Posted by oldancestor on June 3, 2011

Gamera the Flying Turtle monster makes triumphant return to Washington DC

These exclusive images, taken by our award-winning team of photojournalists, represent the finest in Pulitzer-prize-nominated… er, images. Because we go by the Mercurian year, which is only 88 days, we are able to bring you the year’s best pictures many months before anyone else can. Suck it, Time/Life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Splitsville! Bielzilla is no more.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Jedi weapons are no match for Darth Megalon

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Splitsville! MechaHugh in no more.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Another barrier comes crashing down: The first Smog Monster weatherman

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Megan's touch makes Godzilla overheat. We'd have just peed our pants.

Posted in Arts | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments »

Godzilla’s career on the rocks after sex scandal

Posted by oldancestor on May 30, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Godzilla at the White House last year (file photo)

TOKYO – Godzilla, considered by many to be the world’s biggest movie star, may find his career in shambles following revelations he fathered a child by another woman while married to Mrs. Godzilla.

The mystery woman, who has not given her name, came forward last week to declare that her five-year-old son was the offspring of the cinematic giant. She said she was suspicious from the beginning when the child hatched from an egg and resembled a dinosaur.

“I wanted to believe it was my husband’s, but inside I knew the truth,” she said in an exclusive interview today with The Anvil. “Still, I wouldn’t trade that one night of passion for anything.”

The woman’s husband was quoted by witnesses as bragging, “My wife did Godzilla!”

 

The Mystery Woman

When the allegations first surfaced, fans and entertainment reporters alike expected a quick denial from the saurian star. When none was forthcoming, suspicions were aroused. Then came the bombshell: Mrs. Godzilla’s public announcement that she was separating from her husband after 25 years of marriage.

“ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR,” she said, maintaining her composure in the face of reporters’ probing, sometimes intensely personal questions.

Godzilla quickly admitted to the affair and said he would take full responsibility for the child’s educational and financial needs.

Though he was praised for being forthright about the scandal, Godzilla’s star status is taking a hit, as is his bank account. The actor was fired today from the upcoming Arnold Schwarzenegger biopic, How Green was My Governor, in which Godzilla was set to star as the popular Austrian bodybuilder-turned-politician. Now, the dream of winning the academy award that has long eluded him may go unfulfilled at least a while longer.

Rival monster Gamera, The Flying Turtle is in talks to replace Godzilla on the film. Gamera won an Emmy last year for playing the island in the series finale of the TV show Lost.

 

Gamera, rising star

Godzilla and Mrs. Godzilla had no children during their two and a half decades of marriage, though Godzilla has a son, Minya, from a previous relationship.

Godzilla was briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor in the early 1960s.

He rose to fame in Japan in the 1950s when he starred in legendary director Akira Kurosawa’s The 700-ft Samurai. His first American film was Giant, in which he played the titular character opposite the late James Dean. His biggest hit was the film Immense (1999), the sequel to 1997’s Titanic.

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Life takes strange turns, doesn’t it? For example, until a week ago, I never thought I’d be reviewing a fashion exhibit for an entertainment blog, yet if you go check out my new story for Pure Film Creative, that’s exactly what happened.

Here’s a sample of it from the Alexander McQueen show currently in New York. Click the link above to read my take on it.

 

Does this make my butt look big?

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments »

Lost’s truth revealed: Island was Gamera the Flying Turtle

Posted by oldancestor on May 24, 2010

By Lacy Thundercake

 

The Big Payoff: The climax of Lost's series finale.

It seems most Lost viewers were right.

Despite the best efforts of producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to guard the secret beforehand, we learned in the series finale last night the Island was indeed Gamera the Flying Turtle, as many had suspected.

The truth was revealed in the climactic scene when the Man in Black AKA the Smoke Monster joined forces with Decepticon Ben and morphed into Super Space Giant Robot X14. As SSGRX14 was about to blast Jack Shephard and gang with its rainbow death ray, the Island rose up, shedding its rocks and trees and issuing the familiar elephantine roar of the heroic monster Gamera.

The giant flying turtle carefully placed the losties on its scaly back and engaged in an epic showdown that ended when SSGRX14 was heaved into space. Gamera then lifted off and rocketed our heroes to safety in Tokyo. The last shot faded with MiB/Space Robot on the moon, shaking its fist toward earth and vowing revenge.

It was an emotionally satisfying conclusion to a unique show that has held millions captivated since it debuted six years ago.     

“I knew they had a plan all along,” said Lost’s fan club president Pinky Middleton. “This explains all the mysteries going back to the very first episode.”

“Gamera loves children!” added an enthusiastic Kenji Takarada, 6, of Okinawa, Japan.

When people look back on Lost in the years to come, many will no doubt rank this final episode amongst the best series conclusions of all time.

Who can forget the gripping end of The Love Boat, when the Pacific Princess struck an iceberg, broke in half, and sank, taking Captain Stubing, Gopher, Isaac, Doc, Julie, and Jack Dawson down with it? Or the finale of M*A*S*H, which ended with Hawkeye, BJ, Hot Lips, and Klinger sentenced to a year in prison for failing to come to the aid of a crime victim, a scenario which gave producers an opportunity to trot out viewers’ favorite characters from throughout the series for the courtroom sequences.

Other popular shows have closed with confusing or poorly written episodes that left fans bitter.

Perhaps most notable was the resolution of the mega-hit Friends, which saw the character Ross contracting rabies then murdering Rachel, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey. The bulk of the hour-long episode consisted of gruesome torture scenes and frequent close-ups of an increasingly unhinged David Schwimmer tormenting his frightened captives, replete with foaming mouth and cloudy, white eyeballs. Despite almost universal hatred for the broadcast, Schwimmer won an Emmy for his performance as well as an MTV award for “Best TV Psycho.” The accolades helped him land the part of “Jigsaw” in the Saw horror franchise.

Rumors are swirling about the upcoming final episode of Law and Order, which was recently cancelled by NBC after a 20-year run. A leaked copy of the script posted online ends with an unnamed character waking up, realizing the whole series was a dream, then finding out he’s dead, then finding out it wasn’t a dream, he’s not dead, but he is in hell. Only time will tell if fans think the resolution is an artistic wonder or a craptastic blunder.

So what’s next for Lost producers Cuse and Lindelof? TV insiders say they plan to create a sequel of sorts, featuring a group of space travelers on a trip to Jupiter who inexplicably find themselves lights years away amidst a wilderness of uncharted planets. The show is tentatively titled Lost, in Space.

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , | 8 Comments »