Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Environmentalism’

The truth behind Al and Tipper Gore’s split: Recycling

Posted by oldancestor on June 3, 2010



By Lacy Thundercake

Al and Tipper Gore in happier times (early Cretaceous)

Although friends of the Gores are feigning ignorance in public over the reasons for the couple’s split, they know what the rest of us will soon discover: At long last, Tipper cracked that eggshell.

Sources close to the former Vice President and his wife say Tipper has dreaded saying the wrong thing around Al for years, mostly for fear of receiving a two-hour-long, monotone lecture about wind turbines. Of late, though, Al was said to have been acting irritable and on edge, which is unusual for someone incapable of feeling emotion.

Then, late last week, the unthinkable happened.

Tipper said (allegedly, but it sounds true), “What’s with all the stupid numbers inside the recycling logo thingie? Can’t they just have two numbers? One for ‘yes, you can recycle it,’ and two for, ‘no, you can’t recycle it?’ ”

That was enough for the tiny-carbon-footprint bearing Democrat. A fly on the wall told this reporter Mr. Gore flew into a rage, calmly standing, retrieving his car keys in an orderly fashion, and taking even steps on his way outside. He then tore off down the highway at 55 M.P.H., checking all three mirrors and signaling before changing lanes.  

“He could only have a detached sense of affection for one thing at a time,” says a family friend, “and that thing right now is climate change legislation. Tipper could not be the environment, no matter how hard she tried.”

Despite appearances of a happy marriage, many Washington insiders believe the couple was doomed from the start. Like President Obama, Al Gore suffers from Bodysnatcher’s Syndrome (BS), a condition which drains the victim of personality. Named for its discoverer, Dr. Heinrich Bodysnatcher, the disease is incurable, though sufferers are sometimes able to behave as if they feel emotion when on the campaign trail. 51 % of marriages in which a partner has BS end in divorce, far above the national average for all couples of 50%.

Neither Mr. nor Mrs. Gore has made a public statement regarding their future together, but Al seems to have moved on. He is rumored to be auditioning for the role of Spock in the upcoming Star Trek sequel.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Editorial: It’s time to embrace Global Warning

Posted by oldancestor on May 7, 2010



By Lennie

Al Gore thinks he's hiding in Canada, but it's only a MAP of Canada. Duh.

World, wake up. While we all squabble over petty issues like wars, joblessness, and, most ridiculously, the environment (What is an environment anyway? Can you tell me what one is shaped like or what color it is? Didn’t think so), a giant rock is floating out there in space somewhere with Earth’s name on it.

Note: I don’t mean the asteroid is called “Earth.” That would be dumb. And confusing.

When that rock hits, it will make… something really big that happened seem insignificant by comparison. Remember the movie Armageddon? Imagine that, only (SPOILER ALERT) the good guys don’t destroy the asteroid at the end. It. Destroys. Us.

Yet, somehow, most of the world’s scientists are against Global Warning! That makes science the lamest thing ever. In fact, they warn us about it. If that’s not irony, I don’t know what is.

Note: Is it irony? I’m seriously asking, because I’m not sure.

My uncle Moe says there is a 114% chance the Earth will be struck by an asteroid sometime in the next 100 years, because they hit us once every 65 million years, and that’s exactly how long ago the dinosaurs were killed by the last one. But Uncle Moe isn’t a scientist, so we shouldn’t listen to him and just let the asteroid hit us. Right?

Sure, Global Warning will be expensive (at least a hundred bucks), but think of the benefits. Obviously, if the whole world knows an asteroid is coming, we can band together and build a giant missile to shoot it down before it’s too late. Hell, you can have the parts from my Chevy if that’ll help (the one in the barn, the ‘79 Nova, not my Cobalt).

Some may think this far fetched, but I saw a movie once (Invasion of the Astro Monster) about a planet, called X (really, it was called X. That’s not a placeholder I forgot to take out), that was right behind Jupiter, but we couldn’t see it because Jupiter is so big. Though, to tell the truth, Jupiter doesn’t look that big in photographs. Maybe if they had someone stand next to it… Anyway, the seemingly friendly aliens from X ended up invading Earth. Wouldn’t Global Warning give us a fighting chance at least?

I tried to contact former presidential candidate Al Gore, public enemy number one, and offer him the chance to write a counterpoint but, not surprisingly, he did not take my call (because he’s chickenpoop).

Anyway, write your local senator and demand Global Warning today!

Opinionoid: Asteroids travel at 10 times the speed of light, obliterating everything in their paths

Opinionoid: The cost of Global Warning is easily offset if you do some math

Opinionoid: The moon is there to block asteroids, and it’s done a pretty damn good job so far, don’t you think? Look at all the craters. That could have been your face.

Note: My editor tells me that it’s called Global Warming, but I told him there’s no such thing. He said he was going to run my editorial anyway, to show the world what a idoit I am. Well, who’s the idoit now, boss?

About the writer: Lennie is a moron who runs a one-man commercial dandelion farm and waits for the postal truck to come every day so he can ask for a free rubber band.

Posted in Editorial | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Earth Day 1 week later: Where’s the Thank You note, Earth?

Posted by oldancestor on April 29, 2010



By Eric J Baker


Environmentalists around the world are hurt and disappointed a week has passed without so much as an email from the planet acknowledging the effort behind the Earth Day festivities of April 22nd.

The annual world-wide event is often credited with encouraging ordinary citizens to mean well about the environment for as many as two days afterward. Also, thousands of whales are saved from embarrassment each year, as they often promise skeptical relatives they will appear on chintzy T-shirts one day and are finally vindicated.  

“It’s not just us who are mad,” says Greenpeace activist Patchouli Johnson. “Think of all the companies that had to ramp up production of plastic giveaways and the endless silk-screening that had to be done for the nylon tote bags. That represents a lot of hard work.”

This isn’t the first controversy associated with Earth Day.

During the 2003 celebration, Earth proved to be an angry drunk, vomiting on the floor of a portable toilet in Washington D.C. and then punching former Vice President Al Gore, who had rushed to help, according to witnesses. Afterward, the 8000-mile-thick planet collapsed, which resulted in catastrophic worldwide tsunamis and a series of devastating quakes that together killed over 40 million people.

 “We were just starting to get over that clusterf*ck,” Johnson, 24, said as her eyes grew teary, “and now this happens. I don’t know how much more I can take.”

Later, after I took her to a bar and got her sh*tfaced (but not too sh*tfaced, if you know what I mean), Johnson admitted to having shown outward distress and concern over the massive death toll in ’03 but secretly feeling a sick thrill every time the body count was revised upward. “They were mostly people from third-world countries, where life is cheap,” she said before downing her fourth shot of anything-I-put-in-front-of-her. “So, like, whatever.”

Some think the Earth’s message to us already came in the form of the recent volcanic eruption in Iceland, which disrupted air travel throughout much of the western hemisphere. Scientists are divided as to whether our planet is angry or just rude.

Self-described amateur vulcanologist Pinky Middleton would gladly dispense with Earth Day events if he had his way.

“What did the Earth ever do for me?” he says. “Has it gotten me a girlfriend? Has it gotten my braces off? Has it gotten the Deep Space Nine movie greenlit?”

Middleton declined to be interviewed further when he discovered I didn’t want to talk about the planet Vulcan or Star Trek in general but was there to discuss volcanoes, which he knows nothing about.

Some “green” groups have chosen not to get mad but to get even. The militant environmental organization Earth First has officially changed its name to Moon First and is already in the planning stages of counter-event next April to be called (you guessed it) Moon Day. Organizers say they intend to serve whale burgers on Styrofoam plates.

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »