THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Dick Cheney’

WikiLeaks to release internet sex tape featuring President Obama, General McChrystal, and – surprise – Dick Cheney!

Posted by oldancestor on August 20, 2010

This is the only image we can show you from the tape, due to its racy content

By Eric J Baker

VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA – International whistleblowing organization WikiLeaks, which recently made headlines by posting top-secret Pentagon papers relating to the war in Afghanistan on its website, is set to raise the stakes again in its often contentious relationship with the US Government by releasing a controversial sex tape to the public.

WikiLeaks founder Helmut Kaiser (who declined to be interviewed for this story) claimed on his organization’s Web site yesterday that the tape, purportedly featuring President Obama, retired General Stanley McChrystal, and former Vice President Dick Cheney in an illicit encounter, will prove that, “the new boss is the same as the old boss.”

The Anvil was able to obtain a copy of the tape, which, upon being viewed, revealed itself to be shaky, grainy, and not the least bit hot. Following one sequence at approximately the 12-minute mark, viewers may be reminded of Dick Cheney’s hunting accident in 2006, when the Vice President fired his weapon into the face of attorney Harry Whittington.

Poor photography aside, the tape raises surprising questions about political relationships, behind-the-scenes war planning, and Brazilian waxing for men.

“I thought Obama was a socialist, despite actions that are a virtually the same as those of George W Bush,” said popular Fox News television personality and conservative Sean Hannity. “This Dick Cheney connection has made me rethink my belief system. Because, you know, I’m a thinker.”

Rival news pundit Rachel Maddow of MSNBC said of the tape’s existence, “Ew.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denied last night that it was President Obama on the tape, claiming instead “it’s that guy from the ‘Whoomp, there it is’ video.”

A WikiLeaks employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the uncensored sex tape will be posted online by tomorrow night. The worker also said viewers should watch to the end, despite the stomach-churning images, when it is revealed that General McChrystal was asked to step down as Commander of US and NATO forces in Afghanistan not for publicly criticizing the Obama administration, as was reported, but because he’s “nothin’ but a playa.”

This, according to the words of Dick Cheney, says the anonymous employee.

WikiLeaks, founded in 2006, professes to stand for public access to information, journalistic integrity, freedom of speech, and the joy of pissing people off. The Anvil has frequently been cited by the organization as the benchmark in fair, unbiased, and open fake news, particularly for our hard-hitting coverage of the Lindsay Lohan saga.

As Wiki’s main man himself, Helmut Kaiser, famously said in 2008, “Everything they say is completely fabricated, but, if it weren’t, it would be the place to go for truth and accuracy in reporting. The Anvil never makes the story about them, like some news journals do, and they don’t allow praise or favoritism to influence their total integrity.”

You should send money to Helmut Kaiser.

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Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Satan ousted as CEO of Hell

Posted by oldancestor on August 8, 2010

Is Wall Street interested?

By Eric J Baker

 

Satan, being escorted from his office by security demons shortly after learning of his termination this morning

THE UNDERWORLD – In a move many economists and theologians are calling long overdue, the board of directors for Hell announced today that Satan is being replaced as CEO. The once-profitable corporation has seen its stock value tumble in recent years, and a series of questionable business decisions has left many investors wary, leading to the devil’s ouster.

Pazuzu, chairman of Hell’s board of directors, told reporters this morning, “We thank Satan for his millennia of service and wish him well in his future endeavors.”

Satan, the only CEO Hell has ever had, leaves behind a rich history of corrupting the human race and propagating evil. But he also faces criticism for being too slow to respond to changes in market trends and society in general.

“Where’s the ‘net presence?” asks economist Regan MacNeil. “How about Twitter? Facebook? Other than a few 1980s heavy metal bands and the High School Musical movies, Hell hasn’t been doing a very good job of getting its message out.”

Others point to devalued holdings and costly expenditures as the key culprits behind the organization’s woes.

Says Princeton University business analyst Herbert West, “Satan collected way too many souls. They’re like junk bonds now. All those people were going to Hell anyway, so he was just buying his own stock, in a sense.”

West also says the purchase of several black holes at the center of the Milky Way galaxy was a gross misuse of funds.

“In theory, if you’re a destroyer of worlds, what better to way do that than with a black hole? In practice, though, no one cares about black holes. The nearest one is a gajillion miles away.”

Some of Hell’s staffers aren’t disappointed to see Satan go.

“It was always ‘Jesus this’ and ‘Jesus that’ with him,” says Footumpsh, a demon who throws the damned into a lake of fire for a living. “Frankly, I don’t believe in all that religious stuff. I’m an atheist and don’t want god shoved down my throat all day.”

So far, Hell has been able to avoid the layoffs that plagued so many other companies during the recent recession, and because of its unique status as the sole provider of eternal damnation, it can’t go out of business. Still, some will face an uncertain future without Satan at the helm.

Brother Sean, an Irish monk, worries about the fate of his archrival, the friar. “Everyone knows friars live next to Satan’s arse-hole,” he says. “So will they go with Satan or have to find a new arse?”

Hell has yet to hint at a candidate to replace the outgoing devil, though many experts believe it will be either Dick Cheney or the comedian Carrot Top. If the rumors are true, it would be the first time a human or a human-vegetable hybrid has held a position of authority in the underworld.

“I think going with a human is a forward-thinking choice,” says MacNeil. “Who better to understand what tempts a human than a human?”

Using the parlance of Hell, can the board of directors afford to let the CEO seat go vacant until Cheney’s or Carrot Top’s current earthly “engagement” ends?

“Not a problem,” Footumpsh says. “Two things you need to know about Hell. One, we’re very patient down here. Two, there’s always room for one more.”

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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Study shows tinfoil hats DO protect against government conspiracies

Posted by oldancestor on May 4, 2010

REYNOLD’S WRAP SALES SKYROCKET

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Former Vice President Dick Cheney behind bars

PRINCETON – It turns out that hats constructed of tinfoil do indeed help wearers avoid being fooled by government conspiracies, according to a Princeton University study published in the American Journal of Science this week. There had long been anecdotal evidence to suggest as much, but this is the first hard scientific data that appears to confirm the belief.

In the study, researchers had volunteers do some stuff while grad students wrote it down and compared things. The results were startling.  

“We tried many variations, and we found the most effective barrier against secret mind-control waves is two layers of tinfoil with a thin, even spread of mayonnaise between,” said Dr. Herbert West, the lead researcher. “Any thicker and the wearer’s own psychic energy cannot evaporate properly, sometimes leading to schizophrenic-like behavior.”

Reaction on fake college campuses was mixed.

“How do we know it’s not a trick?” said Pinky Middleton, a University of Phoenix Online junior majoring in abnormal psychology. “How can WE trust THEM when THEY’RE the ones controlling the message? I wouldn’t be surprised if the tinfoil actually acts as a conductor, turning the wearer into a soulless automaton ready to do the bloodthirsty bidding of malevolent government overlords.”

Middleton declined to be interviewed further when voices told him we were eleven demons named William Howard Taft. However, he was willing to write a note stating the rest of his answer will appear in his manifesto. The 21-year-old then began wrapping himself in Glad Press ‘n Seal.

In contrast, London-based author and anthropologist Mr. Gruber was encouraged by the study’s findings.

“This will make an excellent addition to my book, The World and its Wonders,” he said.

But will the recent discovery resonate beyond the stately lecture halls and grassy fields of academe? Some think it already has.

Two Washington lawmakers, Barney Palpatine (R-AZ) and Todd Maul (D-CA) have formed a bipartisan group called Senators in Tinfoil Hats (SiTH) and say they plan to create a clone army restore order to the US Senate. 

“@&^$*# tinfoil!” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, who’s currently serving a 35-year sentence at Maryland State Penitentiary for masterminding the September 11th, 2001 bombing of the Pentagon.

“We were this close to getting away with it, but that twerp Middleton with his tinfoil hat had to rat us out.”

Americans may recall that then Vice-President Cheney detonated a bomb at the Pentagon but accused foreign terrorists of crashing a plane into the building. Despite no photographic evidence, most were fooled until a small number of tinfoil-hat proponents came forward to challenge the official explanation. President George W. Bush endured a very public humiliation at the time, as he had previously claimed the accusations against Cheney were part of a “vast left-wing conspiracy.”

“Tinfoil has a great many applications beyond preventing brainwashing,” affirms Dr. West at Princeton, who also serves on the board of directors for Reynolds Wrap Inc, though he promises it’s not a conflict of interest. “For example, if you cover your head in about ten layers of the stuff during a solar eclipse, you won’t suffer ocular damage. Don’t forget the air hole, though.”   

Researchers plan a follow-up study to determine if tinfoil hats cause wearers to misspell words on protest signs.

Posted in Health and Living | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »