THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Democrats’

Hillary Clinton e-mails picture of her clint

Posted by oldancestor on June 6, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Exclusive: Hillary's shocking Twitter pic

WASHINGTON DC – Secretary of State Hillary Clinton admitted today to e-mailing a picture of her pet turtle, Clint, to at least six of her Twitter followers recently.

“My Clint is cute as a button,” Clinton told reporters today. “I wanted people to see it.”

The turtle is so named, says the doting pet owner, for its alleged resemblance to Academy Award ™ winning actor and director Clint Eastwood, and not because of her last name. The likeness between the star and Clinton’s reptile could not be independently confirmed at press time.

Among Clinton’s Twitter followers is New York Democratic Congressman and popular underwear model Anthony Weiner, who made headlines himself recently for his own controversial e-mails. He says he understands what Clinton is going through.

“I sent pictures of my Weiner to people,” the congressman told The Anvil via telephone today. “And some folks were a little upset. But I thought it was adorable and the chicks dig it.”

Weiner is Weiner’s pet snake.

Oxford University professor and expert on reptile photographs Sir Edmund Bollocks said people are uncomfortable with turtle pictures because the animals live so long.

“Turtles are like little, shelled, soul-stealing monsters,” says Bollocks. “We mammals wither and age and lose control of our bowels, yet turtles just live and live and live like they own the place. If they ever learn to talk, they’ll be quite in demand. ‘Of course I knew Churchill,’ and so forth.”

Clinton said she’s not sorry about sending the picture.

“People are always shouting, ‘show us your… cat,’” she explains. “Cats are fine, but turtles need attention too.”

No word on whether Newt Gingrich plans to email photos of his pet amphibian or Dick Durbin intends to distribute pictures of his next campaign poster.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments »

Obama vows to continue observing (and not interfering with) earthlings’ affairs

Posted by oldancestor on March 17, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Election night 2008: Obama's spaceship arrives with great fanfare

WASHINGTON DC – President Sparak Obama, the first Vulcan-American ever elected president, told ABCs Barbara Walters today that he is proud to have followed Starfleet Federations prime directive, which is to avoid influencing events on any planet with indigenous life, including Earth. The President, who was born here but spent part of his youth at the Vulcan Academy, says his primary responsibility as an interplanetary representative is to monitor situations.

 

Take the recent earthquake and tsunami in Japan or the civil war in Libya, Obama told Walters. I have been observing both situations with intellectual curiosity from a great distance.  Though, in truth, Ive also been standing by at the ready, which is slightly bending the rules.

 

During the half-hour interview that aired nationally on ABC affiliates at 7 p.m. eastern time this evening, the President said he strongly believes in democracy as a philosophical concept. When Walters asked if it was then tough for him to watch the rebels in Libya being crushed by dictator Muammar Gaddafis forces, he replied, It certainly is an interesting addition to Earths historical record.

 

Voices on all sides of the political spectrum have criticized the President at various times in his two-and-a-half years in office for his seemingly detached demeanor in the face of national and international crises. During the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico last year, which dragged on for months, Obama was roundly panned for saying, Oil is a natural, organic material. I fail to see why its presence is so alarming.

 

One area of public policy where the President has been more active is health care reform, with his efforts culminating in a bill last year meant to overhaul the nations system of dispensing medical care to its citizens. During last Januarys State of the Union address, Obama said, It is illogical to resist expanded access to health care, in the hopes of heading off cries from conservatives that at least some aspects of the law are unconstitutional.

 

The President has also been dogged by a small but vocal group of critics who claim he was not born on this planet and are demanding proof he is actually half human. Known as the Earther movement, few in Washington or in the news media take them seriously, but their persistent accusations are just one more distraction for a busy leader who vowed on national TV tonight to monitor, observe, and stand by with renewed vigor entering the 2012 election season.

 

When reached for comment on this article, President Obama said, The metaphor in your fourth paragraph, voices on all sides of the political spectrum, does not hold up to semantic scrutiny. A spectrum, being light rather than a dimensional object or a representation of such, does not have sides.

Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 32 Comments »

Surprising results of Iowa straw poll

Posted by oldancestor on March 14, 2011

Also: Royal violence in London (see below)

By Eric J Baker

This man is so deformed his face looks like a question mark

 

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – Pollsters were shocked today when the children of Mrs. Bluebonnets first grade class at West Captain Kirk Elementary School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa chose straight straws over curly ones by a two-to-one margin. It had been believed that most kids preferred the curly straws.

This throws the election landscape into total disarray, said political analyst Paul Naschy. Its completely shocking. Its also utterly unexpected. I have nothing to say, do I?

When asked why she chose the straight straws, Emma Jellybone, age 7, said, It takes too long to drink a milkshake with a curly one.

Emmas teacher, Mrs. Bluebonnet, was unwilling to say which straw she preferred but did say she thought the political analyst quoted in the second paragraph was an inarticulate buffoon.

Did you notice the redundancy, she said. Have you ever heard of partial disarray? Can something be kind of shocking or a little bit unexpected? The answer is no.

When asked to choose between Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, or any of the tall, handsome mainstream Republicans who actually have a snowballs chance in hell of getting the GOP nomination in 2012, Mrs. Bluebonnets kids picked straws again.

                                                           * * * * *

NEW BLOODSHED IN ENGLAND

LONDON – Forces loyal to Queen Elizabeth II stormed Great Britains Parliament building today, briefly capturing it until they were beaten back by the armies of The Usurper, Prime Minister David Cameron.

Cameron appeared on BBC shortly after the battle to reassure Brits that government was functioning normally.

Queens are a ghastly nuisance, arent they? he said.

RAF pilots later bombed Windsor castle to, in Camerons words, make way for a lovely shopping commons and maybe some sort of aquarium or garden.

BBC political analyst Sir Edward Bollocks said the queens attack was not a serious attempt to win back authority for the monarchy.

She knows she cant win, said Bollocks. She just wants that tart of a future granddaughter-in-law [Kate Middleton, Prince Williams fiancé] to know who has the biggest family jewels.

When reached for comment, Middleton told us to Bugger off.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments »

Zombie Wins Republican Primary!

Posted by oldancestor on July 16, 2010

Wholesale Orders of Human Flesh Skyrocket

 

By Eric J Baker 

 
 
 

Bub Howard declares victory last night

 

SACRAMENTO – In a shocking turn that has stunned the political world, undead GOP Senate candidate Bub Howard has seemingly come from nowhere to defeat Carly Fiorina in California’s Republican primary runoff election. Howard will now face Democrat Barbara Boxer in November’s midterms, leaving Fiorina to sit at home and count the millions she earned turning Hewlett Packard into a crappy company.

If Americans ever needed proof that zombies have become a potent political force, here it is: Howard was polling tenth out of ten GOP candidates only 4 months ago. But that was before the Zombie Apocalypse began. Howard died of zombiosis (zombie-bite poisoning) in late April and suddenly, just days after he returned from the grave to devour the flesh of the living, most polls showed him in fifth place. 

“One out of four Americans is now undead. It’s time we had a voice in Washington!” Howard told groaning supporters at his headquarters in the Los Angeles County Morgue. “They can shoot us in the head. They can burn us. But they can’t take away our appetite… for victory in November!”

Even as of yesterday morning, though, his win hardly seemed assured. In fact, most believed Fiorina had won the original primary last month and would campaign against the incumbent, Boxer, in the fall. But Howard made a late surge, and, when all the votes were counted, the election was deemed “too close to call,” necessitating yesterday’s runoff.

Some political experts believe Howard benefited from a combination of factors.

“You have to realize there are more and more zombies every day,” says Lucy O. Fulci, the head of UCLA’s Political Science department. “One thing we’ve noticed is that zombies vote zombie, almost exclusively. This is why President Obama’s poll numbers are dropping. Many of his most ardent supporters in 2008 are zombies now. It would be politically expedient of him to become undead.”

A second factor in Howard’s rise is a revitalized ad campaign. His initial slogan, “Brainsssss!” failed to catch on, as many felt it simply pandered to his base. To tap into voter discontent with Washington establishment, Howard changed the phrase to, “We’re coming to get you, Barbara!” and his popularity took off.

Senator Boxer’s campaign must have anticipated a possible victory for the undead Republican: They’ve already issued a new slogan today, which reads, “There’s something rotting in Denmark. And it’s Bub Howard!”

Despite their supposed unity as a voting block, some zombies are throwing their support behind Boxer.

“I can’t believe [Howard] is running as a Republican,” says Morty Rigor, a former electrician and now walking corpse who spends his days feasting on the supple flesh of the living. “The Republicans are the ones who wanted us shot on sight. They’re the ones who won’t let us get married. The liberals fought for our right to vote, for crying out loud!”

A staffer from Howard’s campaign, and also a zombie, responded to these allegations by telephone this morning.

“Taxes. It’s that simple,” said the staffer. “Zombies don’t have to pay taxes, because we’re dead, and Bub Howard doesn’t think anyone should have to. Plus, there’s that death tax, and we really don’t like it. Why should we lose all that money just because we’ve become hideous, murdering, cannibalistic, hell-spawned abominations?”

What remains to be seen is how long zombies can stay a powerful presence in American politics. The Apocalypse is only a few months old, and early zombies are already starting to show signs of desiccation and advanced decomposition. Scientists believe the flesh-eating behavior only slows the rotting but does not stop it. Will there be enough walking dead left by November to give Boxer’s Senate seat to Howard?

“There’s no need to be concerned” says Dr. Fulci. “Zombies and humans will learn to live in harmony, and we are about to enter the utopian future we’ve always dreamed about.”

She went on to say, “I’m kidding. This is the Apocalypse. Two years from now, mankind will be wiped out, the zombies will have decayed, and all humanity’s great accomplishments will be lost to the sands of time, as if none of it had ever happened.”      

[The Anvil wishes to apologize to our readers. That was the most depressing ending ever written for a fake news article. We promise our next article will conclude with someone getting hit in the groin by a little kid swinging a bat at a piñata and missing. – Ed]

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 12 Comments »

Democrats choose Mouse as new mascot; Donkey ousted

Posted by oldancestor on June 28, 2010

Sales of mouse traps surge

 

By Eric J Baker

 

The Democrats' new logo

WASHINGTON DC – In a surprise move, Congressional Democrats have decided to replace the party’s longstanding Donkey mascot with that of a Mouse. The decision was announced this morning following an all-night, Democrats-only session in the Senate chamber.

“We felt the need to update our image,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid told reporters. “The Donkey was a fine mascot, but we want to change the impression that we are stubborn. A Mouse is more… compliant.”

House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, flanking Reid at the press conference, added, “This doesn’t mean we aren’t going to keep fighting hard for middle-class Americans. Unless Republicans look like they might get ready to start thinking about a filibuster. All bets are off then.”

Indeed, Senate Democrats used their 19-vote majority last week to aggressively back away from extending jobless benefits. They’ve also thrown their weight around to cave in to bankers’ demands instead of passing meaningful financial reform. And now President Obama is getting in on the act: The White House says it plans to follow through on the opposite of a campaign promise by leaving the prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba open indefinitely.

Reid’s Senate counterpart, Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, was unhappy when told of the closed-door meeting.

“Once again, we hear talk of bipartisanship, yet the Democrats chose to make this mascot decision without Republican input,” said McConnell. “We have lots of ideas for what their mascot should be, but they never asked us.”

The Donkey, reached by phone at his home in a posh northwestern Washington DC neighborhood, said Democrats are “a bunch of pansies” who deserve to suffer heavy losses in the November midterm elections.

“Honestly, I was embarrassed to tell people I’m that donkey,” he said. “The only bad thing about losing my job is that I no longer have a way to support my $10,000 a week cocaine and prostitute habit.”

He also admits to feeling like an ass.

Reaction in GOP circles was mixed, with so-called establishment Republicans choosing to stand behind the classic Elephant mascot while some up-and-comers suggest their party might benefit from making some changes as well.

Four-term Arizona Senator John McCain said, “If the Democrats think an Elephant is afraid of a mouse, they should stop watching so many cartoons. The big E is here to stay, my friends.”

In contrast, GOP Senate candidate Rand Paul of Kentucky, who has attracted plenty of media attention lately for his controversial statements, is open to ditching the Elephant in favor of a fresher image.

“I was thinking we could go with a southern plantation owner, circa 1850,” he said. “A strict constitutionalist, but also funny, like he could be on a commercial for a fast-food chain or something.”

When told such a character might engender negative associations in the minds of certain voters, Paul said, “Oh, you mean because of the slavery thing? I get that. I definitely think institutionalized slavery was one of the 200 worst things that ever happened in this country.”

While long-serving Republicans continue to cringe at the embarrassingly racist comments made by its outside-the-beltway candidates, unified Democrats vow to continue failing to take advantage of their opponent’s mistakes.

“We’ll do our very best to get clobbered this November, Mouse or no Mouse,” said Reid, who added, “Wait. What did I just say?”

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Americans angry at Obama for traffic jams, allergies

Posted by oldancestor on June 23, 2010

OBAMA ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR PRODUCTS BREAKING JUST AFTER WARRANTY EXPIRES

 

By Eric J Baker

 
 

Americans are angry and getting angrier

 WASHINGTON DC – Virtual protestors stormed the internet this week to vent their increasing frustration with what they perceive as inaction from the Obama administration on critical issues facing America, such as heavy traffic and hay fever.

In the northeast, where automobile traffic is particularly dense, the anger has reached a boiling point.

“Everyday I have to put up with this,” says Carl Driver, a 52-year-old insurance salesman stuck in traffic on Route 1 in Edison, NJ, which is considered one of the most congested stretches of highway in the country. “It takes me a half hour to go five miles. The President has totally dropped the ball on this and I wonder when he will finally wake up and do something about it.”

Patty Bacon agrees.

Coming out of a Burger King on Route 413 in Levittown, PA, she says, “Whoever configured this road is a moron. I drove past the entrance twice. How should I know I was supposed to stay in the left lane?”

Bacon said she planned to go straight home and rip President Obama a new one on Yahoo comments threads the rest of the day.

“He’s too busy pushing his socialist agenda to send federal road crews out here and rearrange all this,” she declares with a scowl.

Indeed, Americans are angry and getting angrier. Mental health professionals express concern that a collective feeling of rage could result in widespread violence if left unchecked.

“I had a patient just the other day who punched himself in the face every time he sneezed,” says psychologist Dianne Agnose. “He beat himself to a pulp during an allergy attack and then asked me what happened to the hope and change he voted for. He thought he wouldn’t sneeze anymore. Sad.”

Retired lobotomist Herbert West believes we, as a nation, need to return to a simpler time when Americans were full of malaise and apathy rather than frothing hatred.

“It’s a good feeling not to care about anything anymore,” he says. “It’s less stressful. Instead of trying to blame a politician for things he can’t possibly control, you just look in the mirror and wonder why the hell you even exist.”

Still, West admits that, even for a passive guy like him, anger bubbles to the surface with increasing regularity these days.

“Just the other day I got the bill from the caterer for my daughter’s wedding,” he explains, “and it was two hundred dollars more than they quoted. There were all kinds of hidden charges. All I remember after that is running up and down the sidewalk screaming ‘Damn you, Obama!’”

And in a new twist on an already strange trend, Americans are growing angry with the President for not being angry.

“Acting like a screaming, ranting, crying lunatic is the only way to solve problems,” says Fox News television pundit Glenn Beck. “Look how much change I’ve effected since I went on the air. Thanks to me, Obama slashed up the BP CEO’s face with a straight razor instead of negotiating terms of payment.”

Journalists have taken the Commander-in-Chief to task in recent weeks for his aloof disposition, something the White House doesn’t…

You know what? Forget it. I don’t feel like finishing this article, damn it. I DON’T WANT TO FINISH THIS ARTICLE!!!!

Maybe if Obama got his act together, I could finish it, but he only cares about his radical left-wing agenda, leaving us poor writers to think of our own endings to articles. Damn it all to hell!

**shoves typewriter away, rips press card from hat, throws cigarette in coffee, and storms out**

[The Anvil apologizes for the angry way this story ended. The writer is now under sedation and resting comfortably – ed.]

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Angry electorate vows to replace Democrats with Republicans and Republicans with Democrats

Posted by oldancestor on May 20, 2010

ALSO: CONGRESS GRILLS ITSELF IN CONGRESSIONAL HEARING

 

By Eric J Baker

 

“Throw the bums out.”

Who can forget these immortal words from the Bible (besides Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Buddhists, Hindus, and “Other”)? But while Jesus was talking about Roman gods, people who drop the TTBO-bomb today are often referring to “bum” politicians who have set up their cardboard shelters (offices) and parked their rusty shopping carts (political agendas) along Washington DC’s marble-floored halls of legislature.

With congressional elections coming in November and primary upsets in the offing, the chorus of anger has grown louder.

“We need to vote out every single congressperson who’s up for reelection,” says Texas resident Norman “Chubzy” Ubzy, “while staying strictly within a two-party system, of course.”

Madge Tool, a resident of Fat Tony’s Trailer Lodge in Twister Magnet, Oklahoma, agrees. “Every single Republican and Democrat currently in office is corrupt. Luckily, the challengers from the same parties, in each case, are completely ethical and honest.”  

Her husband, Otis, adds, “Republicans and Democrats will be ok, but those guys from the Incumbent party are in trouble.”

Janet Blandworth, a random expert who gets paid to state the obvious, says, “It’s natural for voters to feel frustrated with elected officials when the economy is in a prolonged slump and jobless rates are high.”

Congress acted quickly when it discovered Americans are unhappy, quarantining those lawmakers up for reelection in a high-school gymnasium and spraying them with Raid.

President Obama praised the bipartisan effort yesterday.

“This is what we can accomplish when we work together,” the President told reporters. “That said, Republicans are still jerks.”

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann of Minnesota responded by urging strict adherence to the Constitution, as it was originally written.

“We didn’t have these problems before women were allowed to vote,” she said. “Or when slaves were 2/3 of a person. We need to get back to the things that made America great.”

In a late session last night, Congress called itself to testify before itself.

“Where do you get off being so smug and self-righteous?” asked House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), looking in a mirror.

Her Republican counterpart, Rep. John Boehner of Ohio, skipped the questions and went straight to making out with his reflection.

“Who’s orange?” he cooed at the mirror. “Are you orange? I don’t think so.”

To flesh out the rest of the article, we went back to Janet Blandworth, our random expert, and asked her to blab some more.

“Depending on who you ask,” she said, “the Republicans are either poised to take both houses of Congress and begin a new revolution or are going to get clobbered because their message seems intolerant and borderline racist and will turn voters off.”

So which one will it be?

“I don’t know. Who cares? You know, when I got out of college I was full of hopes and dreams and ideals and thought I could change the world,” she said. “Now look at me. I’m 39-years-old and divorced and spend my time talking to untalented, hack reporters like you about stupid [expletive] boring politicians. I need a drink.”

An unnamed reporter was said to have offered Blandworth a ride back to his place for margaritas, but it was not known at press time if she accepted.

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Senator McConnell may have called the President “Bizarre”

Posted by oldancestor on April 26, 2010

BUT ONLY IF YOU TAKE THE WORD COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT

 

By Eric J Baker

 

WASHINGTON – As reported in the Huffington Post yesterday, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) used the word “bizarre” in a conversation involving President Obama on the television show Fox News Sunday.

During a call to McConnell’s office made prior to even rudimentary fact-checking, we were told by a nervous, lying staffer, “I’m sure he meant ‘bazaar,’ as in ‘church bazaar.’”

The staffer went on to say, “The senator collects yarn toilet-paper cozies as well as pine-cone-and-felt angels. He especially enjoys their little pipe-cleaner wings.”

The growing scandal was muted somewhat when another of McConnell’s words became available. It turns out the Kentucky senator had said it was unlikely Republicans would filibuster Obama’s Supreme Court nominee to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens, unless the President’s choice was “really bizarre.”

At a press conference today, McConnell was asked to clarify who he considered ‘bizarre.’

“Well, Spongebob, perhaps,” said McConnell. “That would be bizarre.”

He is believed to have been referring to Hawaii’s first-circuit-court judge Spongebob Squarepants, who is known for offering lenient punishments and taking a forgiving approach toward repeat offenders. Squarepants was embroiled in controversy last year for commuting the sentence of serial-burglar Sheldon Plankton, who was later rearrested for attempting to rob the same restaurant for the tenth time.

“We will definitely filibuster any activist judge Obama tries to shove down our throats,” McConnell might have said if we’d baited him.

In response to the potential threat, Vice President Biden said, “I’ll filibuster your mother. Doh!”

Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, who herself has been talked about as a potential nominee, urged President Obama to consider looking outside the judiciary pool for his eventual candidate. “How about one of the actors on Law and Order? They seem pretty judgy.”

Most Americans don’t care who ends up on the Supreme Court. Although, to be honest, we only asked one person and picked the stupidest looking one at that.

“The Supareem Court? Are they those rifle guys in England that wear the buffalo-lodge hats and red jackets and never laugh?” asks Madge Tool, who readers might recognize from watching sixty-year-old hookers get arrested on Cops.

However small their number, some concerned citizens have very definite ideas about who should get the nod.

Says 19-year-old college sophomore Pinky Middleton, a political science/criminal justice double major who follows current events closely, “Please please please let it be Megan Fox. Dude, how hot would that be?”

The President has repeatedly said he will choose someone with a strong judicial record and expects broad bipartisan support, though sources close to the White House say Obama’s inside favorite to replace Stevens is The Antichrist. While it’s a choice that will likely result in a protracted and sometimes contentious Senate confirmation process, most pundits believe the nomination will eventually go through.

Before Republicans get too comfortable throwing around accusations of bizarrehood (as interpreted by this news organization), they would do well to remember the previous administration’s odd choice of John Roberts, who is actually a hive of nanobots in the shape of a human. Readers may recall that, during the President’s State of the Union address in January, Chief Justice Roberts broke up into a black swarm cloud and attacked a congressional page after Obama suggested the court had acted irresponsibly in a recent decision.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »