THE ANVIL

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Posts Tagged ‘controversy’

New Lady Gaga song offends Catholics, people with ears

Posted by oldancestor on April 18, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

Not even people with weird hats like Lady Gaga's new song, "Judas."

LOS ANGELES – Pop star Lady Gaga took a short break from her 2011 Plastic-Outfit-A-Day challenge to release a new single entitled Judas, a provocative religion-themed song that has Catholics everywhere incensed. To add to the controversy, Gaga has recently been performing the song dressed as biblical figure Mary Magdalene, specifically from the period that Magdalene was said to have worn a cellophane dress with tape over her nipples, a thong, and a nun’s headgear (John 3:16).

 An irate catholic identifying himself as Pope Benedict released a statement today that read, in part, “This song is a clear affront to all people of spiritual belief, though I haven’t heard it. I demand that the harlot’s record label immediately withdraw the song from radio stations, retail stores, and internet music sites. Blah, blah, so on and so forth. Did you get all that? Type up a nice ending for me. Was I supposed to say ‘stop’ before?”

In addition to being a pop singer and prolific recycler, Gaga, whose real name is Didn’tMadonnaDoThisTwentyYearsAgo,ButBetter, is also a renowned theologian who believes the story of Judas Iscariot is underrepresented in the world of disposable bubble-gum pop music.

“Like me,” Gaga said recently while serving as a panel member at Oxford University’s post-graduate theological conference, “Judas is persecuted, rightly or wrongly. Did he lead the Nazis to Jesus? Did he not? Am I typical of egotistical celebrities who equate photographers taking my picture with martyrdom? Or not?”

Catholics may be offended by the song, but it’s hard to argue that Gaga doesn’t know her new testament intimately, based on this lyric sample:

Hey Judas, why did you do dis?

You sold your boss out for some coins

I’d like to kick you in the groins

Da Vinci depicted you wit’ paint

But that don’t make you a saint!

Break it down. Hey!

 

Even in the secular world, Gaga’s newest single is causing a stir.

‘People With Ears,’ a loose affiliation of Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Tea Party members, and Greens, has launched a new campaign called Make it Stop!, with the stated goal of eradicating all music that could be mistaken for the theme song to a Nickelodeon ‘tween comedy.

Says the group’s founder, Pinky Middleton of Cleveland Ohio, “That Lady Gaga song sounds like someone from iCarly got drunk after Sunday school and decided to record a song about it.”

Researchers from Princeton University who track people’s reactions to Lady Gaga songs initially claimed that the only people not offended by the single were deaf atheists. They later retracted the statement when it was learned that an organization of deaf atheists called ‘Imaginary Gods Don’t Hear Prayers, And Neither Can I’ had come forward to report that they, too, didn’t like it.

“Whenever I feel the vibrations of a speaker playing that song, I’m outta there,” signed the organization’s president, Topaz Xu.

In unrelated news, Lady Gaga’s music label, Toothache Records, announced a joint marketing effort with the PR firm, Vatican City Promotions, to generate free publicity.

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Hello, Anvil readers. Be sure to stop by Pure film Creative to read my latest column, Rock Saved the Queen. Just in time to insult our newest friend, Alannah Murphy, I tell all about what horrid, ghastly, wicked people the British are!

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Today’s wonderful image created by Sandra Tarsitano

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Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments »

WikiLeaks to release internet sex tape featuring President Obama, General McChrystal, and – surprise – Dick Cheney!

Posted by oldancestor on August 20, 2010

This is the only image we can show you from the tape, due to its racy content

By Eric J Baker

VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA – International whistleblowing organization WikiLeaks, which recently made headlines by posting top-secret Pentagon papers relating to the war in Afghanistan on its website, is set to raise the stakes again in its often contentious relationship with the US Government by releasing a controversial sex tape to the public.

WikiLeaks founder Helmut Kaiser (who declined to be interviewed for this story) claimed on his organization’s Web site yesterday that the tape, purportedly featuring President Obama, retired General Stanley McChrystal, and former Vice President Dick Cheney in an illicit encounter, will prove that, “the new boss is the same as the old boss.”

The Anvil was able to obtain a copy of the tape, which, upon being viewed, revealed itself to be shaky, grainy, and not the least bit hot. Following one sequence at approximately the 12-minute mark, viewers may be reminded of Dick Cheney’s hunting accident in 2006, when the Vice President fired his weapon into the face of attorney Harry Whittington.

Poor photography aside, the tape raises surprising questions about political relationships, behind-the-scenes war planning, and Brazilian waxing for men.

“I thought Obama was a socialist, despite actions that are a virtually the same as those of George W Bush,” said popular Fox News television personality and conservative Sean Hannity. “This Dick Cheney connection has made me rethink my belief system. Because, you know, I’m a thinker.”

Rival news pundit Rachel Maddow of MSNBC said of the tape’s existence, “Ew.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denied last night that it was President Obama on the tape, claiming instead “it’s that guy from the ‘Whoomp, there it is’ video.”

A WikiLeaks employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the uncensored sex tape will be posted online by tomorrow night. The worker also said viewers should watch to the end, despite the stomach-churning images, when it is revealed that General McChrystal was asked to step down as Commander of US and NATO forces in Afghanistan not for publicly criticizing the Obama administration, as was reported, but because he’s “nothin’ but a playa.”

This, according to the words of Dick Cheney, says the anonymous employee.

WikiLeaks, founded in 2006, professes to stand for public access to information, journalistic integrity, freedom of speech, and the joy of pissing people off. The Anvil has frequently been cited by the organization as the benchmark in fair, unbiased, and open fake news, particularly for our hard-hitting coverage of the Lindsay Lohan saga.

As Wiki’s main man himself, Helmut Kaiser, famously said in 2008, “Everything they say is completely fabricated, but, if it weren’t, it would be the place to go for truth and accuracy in reporting. The Anvil never makes the story about them, like some news journals do, and they don’t allow praise or favoritism to influence their total integrity.”

You should send money to Helmut Kaiser.

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Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Federal Judge rules that ALL weddings are gay

Posted by oldancestor on August 10, 2010

Then what does the finger in the ring mean? Yikes!

 

By Eric J Baker

"Gay dinosaurs never got married, so why should gay humans?" argue anti-gay-marriage activists

  WASHINGTON DC – A federal judge ruled yesterday that all weddings in America are “kinda gay,” instantly throwing the gay-marriage debate into disarray.

Integrated circuit judge Johnny Dangerous said in his ruling that “frilly dresses, foofy tuxedo chest things, flowers, and DJs playing Celebration by Kool and the Gang are all kinda gay, if you think about it. Gay in the way you call fruity things ‘gay’ when you’re in high school.”

Judge Dangerous also said he made his decision based not on legal precedent but on a book he read that was published in 1902 entitled How to have a Gay Wedding.

“It pretty much seemed like normal wedding stuff in there,” the judge said. “I couldn’t tell the difference. So, as far as I’m concerned, there is no difference. End of debate. Next.”

Not so fast, typed a reporter who lacks the creativity to avoid clichéd segues. Conservative groups are angry and vowing to fight back.

“No activist judge is going to tell me that me and my wife are gay!” said Chester Tool, 58, of Twister Magnet, Oklahoma and founder of Americans Against Homo Sapiens.

The group said it will urge the government to amend the Constitution so that judges can’t rule against their point of view anymore.

“We want to stop them from messin’ with the Constitution,” says Tool. “We hope to get rid of the judicial system all together. It’s un-American.”

Meanwhile, the ruling was lauded by gay-marriage proponents, college students, and atheists.

“It’s a sign that times are changing,” says racially and sexually ambiguous Seton Hall University junior, Terrence Hip, who sometimes poses for display posters in shopping mall clothing stores. “Everyone said Duran Duran’s music was gay back in the 1980s, but now look how cool they are.”

When asked why she supported the ruling, atheist Patchouli Johnson said, “I don’t know. Because it’s fun to piss people off?”

Even more elated are the millions and millions of Americans who want to marry their pets and will now be able to, thanks to the precedent set by yesterday’s judicial decision.

Unfortunately, none could be located for comment.

To get a response to the non-response, The Anvil repeatedly attempted to contact the conservative watchdog group, America Safe. Just before this article went to press, an unidentified man from the organization called our offices and said, “Dude, we are a watch dog group. Not a ‘watchdog’ group. We advocate for the ownership and pet care of watch dogs. You know, Rottweilers, German Shepherds, Dobermans. We don’t care about any of the stuff you’re talking about.”

He went on to say, “Don’t make me get another restraining order.”

Stay tuned to The Anvil for more on this breaking story as it develops!

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Conservative school board reinvents history in textbook: No Carboniferous Period

Posted by oldancestor on June 17, 2010

TREES INFURIATED, CALLING FOR BOARD PRESIDENT’S RESIGNATION

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Conservative school board president Rex Fortescue stands before a Texas high school. He's unapologetic about his controversial views.

AUSTIN, TX – In a move sure to stir controversy, the state of Texas school board recently demanded – and got – changes to the 2011 edition of World History for Entitled Brats, a textbook handed out to incoming high school freshman.

At a glance, the book may not look much different from last year’s version. But a scan through its pages reveals an omission all the more shocking for the fact it is intentional: There’s no record of the Carboniferous period.

Readers, plus students, who only fake-read, will find the Devonian period where it belongs, from 417 to 359 million years ago. The text then picks up with the Permian, which lasted from 299 to 251 million years ago.

So where are the missing 60 million years?

“Never happened,” says newly elected school board president Rex Fortescue. “The Carboniferous period is a lie perpetrated by left-wing radicals bent on brainwashing our children.”

Fortescue, a dinosaur, does not offer proof the maligned geologic period is fabricated, and it’s worth noting that reptiles have long denied evolving from tetrapods. The squat, four-legged amphibian-like creatures lived in the Carboniferous and predate the reptilian occupants of the Triassic and Jurassic Periods.

When told the fossil record shows a clear link between tetrapods and dinosaurs, Fortescue says, “Reptiles were created by Godzilla in His own image. End of story.”

The firebrand Tyrannosaur’s controversial declarations haven’t gone unnoticed outside the walls of academe.

“Why does he even care what happened in the Paleozoic era?” asks Pinky Middleton, one of several maple trees protesting outside the school board’s offices in Austin. “The Carboniferous is a fact. Tetrapods are a fact.”

Most trees are believed to have evolved in the oxygen-rich Carboniferous.

“Say, he’d look good as a salad bowl on my dining room table,” was all Fortescue would say in response.

Dr. Armord Fish, a paleontologist at Princeton University and also a coelacanth, says, “My kind has been around since the Devonian. That’s almost half a billion years ago. Believe me, the Carboniferous happened, and anyone who says otherwise has let the Permian extinction go to his head.”

Dr. Fish adds, “This is why science belongs in textbooks and Godzilla belongs in church.”

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Kristen Stewart, Joran Van der Sloot in trouble again: Keep reading to find out which one killed somebody…

Posted by oldancestor on June 8, 2010

Twilight star Kristen Stewart says, “Earning millions… is like getting kicked in the crotch”

 

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Kristen Stewart is rushed to a hospital after she sprained her face trying to smile

HOLLYWOOD – As if vampires and werewolves weren’t bad enough, Bella Swan now faces an even graver threat: The words that come out of her mouth.

Kristen Stewart, who stars as the put-upon heroine in the Twilight film series, courted controversy in a recent interview by comparing fame to sexual assault. She has since apologized, but that didn’t stop her from telling reporters at the MTV Awards two days ago, “Earning millions of dollars to pout on camera is like getting kicked in the crotch all day. It sucks.”

After being forced to take the role of Bella at gunpoint and then enduring the adulation of millions of fans, the long-suffering Stewart may have reached her breaking point. Last week she underwent a painful surgical procedure that enables her to smile, simply so she can stop injuring her face trying to look happy once in a while. But her new grin will never mask the pain inside.

“I just want to be like everyone else,” she says, “either working for minimum wage at the mall or generating a hundred-thousand dollars in student loan bills that I’ll never be able to pay off while I slog away for 50 years as an insurance claims processor.”

OJ Simpson finally finds the Real Killer: Joran Van der Sloot

 

By Lacy Thundercake

 

LIMA, PERU – Dutchman Joran Van der Sloot is only two land masses into his quest of murdering seven women on seven continents, and he’s already hit a snag: OJ Simpson.

Simpson, who was acquitted of killing his ex-wife Nicole and innocent bystander Ronald Goldman in 1994, vowed to one day catch the real killer. And, according to Simpson’s lawyer, that day is here. It’s none other than Joran Van der Sloot, (alleged) murderer of American Natalee Holloway.

Unfortunately for the former football star, both he and his quarry are incarcerated for separate crimes several thousand miles from each other.

Simpson is currently serving a 33-year sentence for kidnapping and armed robbery, while Van der Sloot is being held in connection with the murder of a 21-year-old Peruvian woman. Van der Sloot was seen on a security video entering a hotel room with the woman last week and emerging alone a few hours later. The woman was found dead.

Simpson’s lawyer, Shyster McShady, says his client is willing to let bygones be bygones.

“We just wanted to identify the real killer, not send him to prison,” says McShady. “After Joran is out of jail and finishes his little killing spree, we have a proposition for him.”

It is believed Simpson plans to pitch a sitcom about two criminals who miraculously get away with murder once but are so dumb they brazenly commit a second heinous crime and are caught.

It may be a while before the program hits the airwaves, though. Van der Sloot has yet to kill a woman in Antarctica, a task which is difficult, experts say, owing to the sparse population and lack of tourist hotels.

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Entertainment News: Lohan lands in hot water!

Posted by oldancestor on April 17, 2010

OH, LINDSAY!

By Lacy Thundercake

 

LOS ANGELES – Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan fell from a balcony railing Friday night, landing in a Jacuzzi filled with overheated water, say Santa Monica police officers who responded to the 9-1-1 call. The star refused transportation to a hospital and was treated at the scene for minor burns.

When pressed, Police Chief Rodney Pushpin was unable to explain why the water was so hot. “Someone may have set the temperature too high,” he suggested. “Why the hell they [hot tub manufacturers] let you turn the dial past the warning is beyond me.”

Lohan, 57, said she fell in the water on purpose to wash baby powder from her shoes, but several witnesses stated she wasn’t using cocaine.

The incident, which took place at a private residence, is the latest in a string of controversies surrounding the actress in recent years. In 2005, she made headlines by skipping out on college to illegally race a white Volkswagen Beetle, nicknamed “Herbie,” but not before striking and nearly killing NASCAR legend Trip Murphy with the vehicle. A few years later she ran into trouble when she knew who killed her twin sister but didn’t tell anyone.   

The star is better known for scandals than acting these days, but Lohan had won critical praise for her performances in the hit films Freaky Friday (2003) and Mean Girls (2004). Her first big break came when she landed the role of “Tessio” in the acclaimed 1972 gangster classic, The Godfather, though she is probably most recognized for playing the murderer “Jason Voorhees” in four of the Friday the 13th horror sequels. She also directed Star Wars.

There’s no way to predict how this latest incident will affect her already damaged reputation with movie audiences. She’ll have a chance to find out this summer when she stars in Citizen Kane II: Revenge of Rosebud, the long-awaited sequel to late director Orson Welles’ 1941 film-noir masterpiece. The follow up is being helmed by Crank 2: High Voltage director Brian Taylor.

Regarding Friday night’s hot-tub incident, Police Chief Pushpin said, “The most important thing to remember is Lindsay wasn’t seriously hurt. It could have been a lot worse.” He also noted that an unknown woman who’s not famous was killed when Lohan landed on her and broke her neck. Anyone with information regarding the victim’s identity is encouraged to contact Santa Monica police.

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

Breaking News: Obama quits!

Posted by oldancestor on April 16, 2010

OBAMA RESIGNS PRESIDENCY TO TRAIN FOR SUMMER X GAMES

By Eric J. Baker

 

WASHINGTON – President Obama stunned the nation today by announcing his resignation less than halfway into his four-year term, to begin training for the 2011 Summer X Games, an international competition that awards medals in mountain-biking, skateboarding, surfing, and other so-called “extreme” sports. The President, an avid skateboarder, says he intends to compete for gold in the half-pipe.

Citing accomplishments such as the passage of the Health Care bill, a long-desired goal of the Democratic Party, the President said at a press conference this morning, “I did what I came to do and am ready for a new challenge.” He went on to say, “Look. I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed the American people, but I am certain Vice President Biden will serve admirably in my place.”

Biden, who shared the podium in the White House press room with President Obama, said, “This is a big f*cking deal.”

Reaction on Capital Hill was mixed. Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, a Democrat who ran for president in 2004, said, “From a socio-political standpoint, this speaks to the concerns over redistribution of wealth vis-à-vis original arguments pertaining to term limits prior to my serving in the Vietnam War.” Kerry continued to answer for several hours, in what many are calling the first spontaneous filibuster in Senate history.

Kerry’s Republican counterpart, recently elected Senator Scott Brown, responded by saying, “I drive a truck.”

When asked what he thought of Obama’s unexpected decision, Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner said, “No.”

Newt Gingrich, Speaker of the House of Representatives during the latter years of the Clinton administration and now a political pundit, sought to distance himself from controversial comments he made during a speech last week, when he referred to President Obama as “radical.”

“I simply meant that he has mad skilz,” said Gingrich after hearing of the President’s pending resignation and future plans. “I look forward to seeing him school the competition in half pipe.”

He later modified his statement, adding, “Fo shizzle.”

Not all conservative commentators were so forgiving. Sarah Palin, former vice-presidential candidate and now symbolic figurehead of the Tea Party movement, said, “How typically hopey-changey of this man. He gets himself elected, spending countless taxpayer dollars – taxpayers like you and me – and then he goes and quits half way though his first term.” After glancing at her palm, Palin said, “Is that the kind of leadership we want in Washington? Heck No!”

Joe Ecks, founder of the X-treme Sports Federation and distributor of the popular Oh Sh*t, it’s a Compound Fracture DVD series, welcomed the President’s move. “This will bring an un-presidented level of exposure to extreme sports. Heh heh. Un-presidented. Get it?”

He went on to say, “What? That was funny.”

Other presidents resigning mid-term include Teddy Roosevelt, who quit so he could pose for Mount Rushmore sculptor Gutzon Borglum, and Richard M. Nixon, who pursued a successful acting career. He went on to star in the hit TV series Miami Vice and the sci-fi film Kingdom of the Spiders, alongside William Shatner.

No word yet on when the transition to a Biden administration will begin.

Note: This corrects an earlier version, which referred to the “X-treme Sports Federation” as “Ecks’ Stream Sports Federation,” the organization’s original name, which was changed after a staffer put two and two together and said, “Duh.”

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »