Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Conspiracies’

Aliens are stealing all the good jobs!

Posted by oldancestor on August 13, 2010

An editorial by Lennie


As just another one of the countless ignorant masses*, you don’t have access to information that we, the media elite, are privy to. But unlike my brethren, I don’t hide the truth. I’m just going to say it:

Aliens are stealing our jobs.

You may not like what I’m about to tell you, but it must be explained, for the future of our nation depends on it.

I just found out there are about 8 million fewer jobs today than there were three years ago, and the government doesn’t know where they went. I looked on Yahoo and a lot of people were saying “Illegal aliens are taking all the good jobs!” At first I was like, duh. There’s no law on the books that says aliens are illegal. Besides, how could we arrest them if they were? They have spaceships that fly faster than light. We have cop cars. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to do that math.

Seriously, rocket scientists have more important things to do than think about obvious stuff. Like building flying cops cars maybe?

But then I read on one of the Internets that a Youtube video of an alien ship in Brazil can’t possibly be fake. Now, I’m no rocket scientist (didn’t we go over that already?), but I’m starting to see a conspiracy. You should know I’m not one of those paranoid people who believes every little conspiracy that comes along, but there are a few we know to be true:

1. An alien spacecraft is being stored at Area 51 in Loch Ness, Scotland

2. The moon landing was filmed by aliens (who else could have held the camera for Neil Peart when he stepped off the Eagle Has Landed to set foot on the moon for the first time?)

3. Michael Jackson

Factor these elements in with 8,000,000 missing jobs; millions of erudite, informed, and not-the-least-bit-wacky Yahoo users saying aliens took those jobs; and aliens that come and go as they please, and there is only one inescapable conclusion:

It would have been pretty dramatic if I started this paragraph with “Aliens are stealing our jobs,” but I did that earlier in this story, and doing it twice would make me look kind of stupid [never – Ed.].

Even the entertainment business is suffering. Lindsay Lohan was just fired from the upcoming Linda Lovelace biopic. That makes the score: 8,000,001 jobs – Aliens, zero jobs – Humans.

What are these extraterrestrials doing with these jobs? There is only one inescapable conclusion:

Aliens are using our jobs for food.

Perhaps their planet has no food left and they eat jobs there. Sure, that seems weird, but stop being so close-minded and ignorant to the wonders of science. Just because we eat gummy bears and marshmallowy orange peanuts, it doesn’t mean aliens have to eat real food too.

I urge you all to write your local Secretary of Defense and demand the government spend more money to stop aliens from taking our jobs. As of right now, we have exactly one International Space Station protecting Earth from invasion.

Hi. The Earth has two sides. Any alien with half a brain (although that might be normal on their planet… keep an open mind!) will just sneak up from the other side.


*There are 281,740,611 of you to be exact. Man, you guys are breeding like jackrabbits.


Posted in Editorial | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Study shows tinfoil hats DO protect against government conspiracies

Posted by oldancestor on May 4, 2010



By Eric J Baker


Former Vice President Dick Cheney behind bars

PRINCETON – It turns out that hats constructed of tinfoil do indeed help wearers avoid being fooled by government conspiracies, according to a Princeton University study published in the American Journal of Science this week. There had long been anecdotal evidence to suggest as much, but this is the first hard scientific data that appears to confirm the belief.

In the study, researchers had volunteers do some stuff while grad students wrote it down and compared things. The results were startling.  

“We tried many variations, and we found the most effective barrier against secret mind-control waves is two layers of tinfoil with a thin, even spread of mayonnaise between,” said Dr. Herbert West, the lead researcher. “Any thicker and the wearer’s own psychic energy cannot evaporate properly, sometimes leading to schizophrenic-like behavior.”

Reaction on fake college campuses was mixed.

“How do we know it’s not a trick?” said Pinky Middleton, a University of Phoenix Online junior majoring in abnormal psychology. “How can WE trust THEM when THEY’RE the ones controlling the message? I wouldn’t be surprised if the tinfoil actually acts as a conductor, turning the wearer into a soulless automaton ready to do the bloodthirsty bidding of malevolent government overlords.”

Middleton declined to be interviewed further when voices told him we were eleven demons named William Howard Taft. However, he was willing to write a note stating the rest of his answer will appear in his manifesto. The 21-year-old then began wrapping himself in Glad Press ‘n Seal.

In contrast, London-based author and anthropologist Mr. Gruber was encouraged by the study’s findings.

“This will make an excellent addition to my book, The World and its Wonders,” he said.

But will the recent discovery resonate beyond the stately lecture halls and grassy fields of academe? Some think it already has.

Two Washington lawmakers, Barney Palpatine (R-AZ) and Todd Maul (D-CA) have formed a bipartisan group called Senators in Tinfoil Hats (SiTH) and say they plan to create a clone army restore order to the US Senate. 

“@&^$*# tinfoil!” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, who’s currently serving a 35-year sentence at Maryland State Penitentiary for masterminding the September 11th, 2001 bombing of the Pentagon.

“We were this close to getting away with it, but that twerp Middleton with his tinfoil hat had to rat us out.”

Americans may recall that then Vice-President Cheney detonated a bomb at the Pentagon but accused foreign terrorists of crashing a plane into the building. Despite no photographic evidence, most were fooled until a small number of tinfoil-hat proponents came forward to challenge the official explanation. President George W. Bush endured a very public humiliation at the time, as he had previously claimed the accusations against Cheney were part of a “vast left-wing conspiracy.”

“Tinfoil has a great many applications beyond preventing brainwashing,” affirms Dr. West at Princeton, who also serves on the board of directors for Reynolds Wrap Inc, though he promises it’s not a conflict of interest. “For example, if you cover your head in about ten layers of the stuff during a solar eclipse, you won’t suffer ocular damage. Don’t forget the air hole, though.”   

Researchers plan a follow-up study to determine if tinfoil hats cause wearers to misspell words on protest signs.

Posted in Health and Living | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

World News: New evidence of Vatican cover-up!

Posted by oldancestor on April 20, 2010



By Eric J Baker


VATICAN CITY – Pedro Garcia was only five years old when it happened.

On his father’s farm, just twenty kilometers from Barcelona, little Pedro was lifting a bucket to gather milk from his favorite goat, Milky, when he noticed the bucket was too heavy. He looked inside.

“Her head!’ he cried out. “Her head!”

He wasn’t talking about his goat. The head belonged to Rosa, his father’s “cleaning lady.” Pedro’s mother, with plenty of motive and lacking an alibi, was quickly convicted of the crime.

One year later and three hundred kilometers away in Nice, France, another head was found, this one dangling from a rope inside a church bell. The bell ringer knew something had sounded funny that morning.

What do these incidents have in common?

Sister Teresa Penguinhat.

The Roman Catholic nun had arrived at Barcelona’s Our Lady of the Jesus Toast just one month before Rosa’s death and was transferred only two weeks into the murder investigation. To another convent in Nice, France.

At the seven convents in France, Spain, and Italy where the now-deceased Sister Teresa had lived, all were within twenty-five kilometers of an ax-murder case, and each killing was followed by another transfer. The victims were women between the ages of twenty and thirty, and none were churchgoers, except on Easter and sometimes Christmas Eve, if they could manage to stay awake that late.

“My mother spent the last eight years of her life in prison for a crime she did not commit,” says Pedro Garcia, now 30, while stroking his goat, Milky. “I want justice.”

Garcia, a taxidermist (Milky was his first project, and it shows), asked his local bishop for an investigation, but he says the bishop stammered, “No hablo Espanol,” and hung up on him. So he learned Italian and took his case to the Vatican, only to discover they speak Latin there, leaving him without recourse.

These days, Pedro employs guerilla tactics, prank calling the Pope at least once a week.

“I mostly just ask him why they wear those funny hats, or maybe I’ll tell him a rabbi joke,” he says with a bitter laugh. “You think they’d change the number. Did you know it’s right there in the phone book?”

When reached for comment, a Vatican spokesperson said, “It’s the gays.”

Pretty soon the Catholic Church will have more than Pedro to deal with. An international investigation carried out though a joint effort of several European police agencies has found evidence of over three hundred ax murders going back eight decades, all within a few kilometers of a convent. By some estimates, as many as ten percent of all European nuns are ax murderers, yet few have been brought to justice.

United Ax Handlers of Europe, a professional organization, plans a major protest next week in the piazza outside St. Peter’s Basilica in Vatican City.     

 “They have sullied our good name,” says event coordinator and local chapter president Hiram Bollocks of Durham, England. “Sometimes when I’m done chopping down a tree I’ll wander the street with my ax, covered with sweat, wearing tattered clothes, my hair tousled, bearing a wide-eyed, deranged countenance, and terrified children will tremble before me, asking, ‘Mr., you’re not a nun, are you?’”

Patchouli Johnson, a Greenpeace activist from San Francisco, CA, plans a counter protest across the piazza from the Ax Handlers.

“How do they know trees don’t feel pain?” she asks.

Still, Bollocks and Johnson can agree on one thing: Ax-murdering nuns are bad.

The disturbing trend does not seem to have crossed the Atlantic to America. Yet.

Says well-informed American Merle Handy, “The first nun that dares set foot in this country can say hello to my two friends, Smith and Wesson.”

Throughout all the controversy, Pope Benedict has remained resolute in his denial of wrongdoing. “Nuns, Shmuns,” he said in an official statement released two days ago.

 Appearing on Larry King Live last night, the Pope also said, “This is just the mainstream media, with its Protestant bias, being jealous of all our cool stuff. Check it out: I got the Sistine Chapel. I got marble sculptures. I got paintings. Gold. Silver. What do [Protestants] have? Their mother’s Corelle baking dish she forgot on Thanksgiving?”

Then he added, “Say, where is Protestant headquarters, anyway? Oh, yeah, they don’t have one. Boo-yah!”

Host Larry King responded by asking, “So, who do you like in the Stanley Cup finals this year?”

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , , | 8 Comments »