THE ANVIL

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Posts Tagged ‘Clone Wars’

RNC Chairman Michael Steele says Clone Wars “were a war of Yoda’s choosing”

Posted by oldancestor on July 5, 2010

Unlike previous Michael Steele scandals, no strippers are involved

 

By Eric J Baker

Would the Republican National Committee fire Michael Steele and replace him with Frankenstein’s monster? Of course not. That’s a stupid question.

 WASHINGTON DC – Embattled RNC Chairman Michael Steele stirred controversy at a GOP fundraiser yesterday by claiming that Jedi Master Yoda was responsible for the “unnecessary” Clone Wars, which could have been avoided, he says, had different decisions been made.

“They were a war of Yoda’s choosing,” Steele told attendees.

His comments echo remarks he made just days ago about President Obama and the war in Afghanistan. However, while those words were roundly criticized by Republicans and Democrats alike, Steele’s view on the Clone Wars has won him support from unlikely sources.

“Yoda bashing is tantamount to blasphemy in this country, but Steele is correct this one time,” said ultra-liberal congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-OH). “Mr. Yoda may not have been involved in the creation of the clone army, but that didn’t stop him from using them for cannon fodder.”

The issue has quickly proved to be a divisive one for Republicans. Some conservative politicians are distancing themselves from Steele, but Senator John McCain, who only this weekend was calling for Steele’s ouster, threw his support behind the party chairman.

“My friends, I have no problems with a guy who starts necessary and easily justified wars, even if they end up lasting a hundred years” Senator McCain said on NBC’s Meet the Press yesterday, “but that one [gesturing toward a portrait of Master Yoda] basically took an army and handed it to his enemy, who used it to defeat him. It’s possibly the worst military blunder since Hitler invaded Russia.”

When reminded by host David Gregory that the Clone Wars took place thousands of years before World War II, in another galaxy, McCain said, “F*ck you!”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) broke with his colleague’s view. Appearing on Fox News’ The Sean Hannity Show last night, the Senator said, “The clone army had nothing to do with the failure of Yoda. It was having a left-wing radical like Yoda heading the Jedi Council in the first place that did it. Every citizen in that galaxy had the right to bear blasters until he came along.”

McConnell drew comparisons between Bespin and Tatooine, the latter of which never fell under imperial control. “Bespin had strict blaster-control laws and it took the Empire all of five minutes to seize power there. You think they’d try that on Tatooine? You want to take over that planet, you’d better bring a Death Star.”

Controversial Republican Senate candidate Rand Paul, who hopes to ride a wave of voter discontent into the November midterm elections, told supporters at a rally last night, “Real Americans don’t care about the political mumbo jumbo behind the Clone Wars. We know the simple truth: Those with a different skin color should never be allowed to lead others.”

He later added, “I meant because Yoda’s skin is green. Earthier tones are all right. Theoretically.”

President Obama, leaving the White House by helicopter this morning, dodged reporters’ requests for a response to Paul’s comments. Before boarding the aircraft, however, he raised an eyebrow and offered a noncommittal, “Fascinating.”

In what may be a first for Washington DC politics, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi will be joined later today by every elected woman in both houses of Congress for a bipartisan press conference on the steps of the Capitol Building. Rather than deliver a demand for Steele’s resignation, the diverse group of Republican and Democratic women is expected to issue a joint question asking, “What the hell are you guys talking about?”

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Elena Kagan’s emails show a fondness for quoting Yoda, sending funny cat pics

Posted by oldancestor on June 21, 2010

BUT CAN SHE RESIST THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE?

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Kagan, as she might appear if she were a deranged murderer. Her emails give no indication one way or the other.

WASHINGTON DC – Emails released last week by President Obama’s Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan reveal a legal expert steeped in knowledge of Jedi teachings as well as Starfleet regulation. The documents also provide an important insight into the beliefs and judicial philosophy of the woman who will likely replace retiring justice John Paul Stevens later this summer.  

“This puts my mind at ease,” said Senate Judiciary Committee member Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who will cast a vote either for or against Kagan’s approval after confirmation hearings take place early next month. “We needed to see these documents to make sure she hadn’t confessed to a murder or something. This is the Supreme Court we’re talking about here.”

Some long-serving lawmakers are still smarting over the Supreme Court confirmation scandal of 1989, when Justice Jeffrey Dahmer was approved without a hearing. Dahmer was later found to have killed 17 people and kept their dismembered bodies in his apartment.

So far, Kagan has not been linked to any mysterious deaths, and her penchant for signing emails with Yoda quotes such as, “Wars not make one great,” and “Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter,” suggests firm spiritual beliefs, an attribute that could make her appealing to more conservative-minded GOP senators.

“Kagan should sail through the confirmation process,” says Snooki, a legal analyst and professor at Harvard Law School. “Evidenced in her emails is an affinity for the teachings of Empire Strikes Back Yoda, not prequel Yoda. She found the Clone Wars to be a time of questionable moral authority for the Jedi, as should we all.”

President Obama’s nominee is not without her detractors, though. Tom Coburn (R-OK), a professed dog lover who also serves on the Judiciary Committee, asks, “What’s with all the cat pics she forwarded? ‘Can I has Cheezburger?’ That’s not funny.”

Coburn says nothing makes his filibuster finger itch like a cat lover, but he’d consider voting in Kagan’s favor if she were to send a new round of emails that include hilarious dog images.

“I don’t need made-up quotes, though,” he insists. “In fact, I hate made-up quotes.”

Even with a few dissenters in the mix, Kagan is expected to win approval easily and should be sitting on the court before the summer is over. All that remains is a review of her Costco receipts and inspection of her mattress tags, though few believe she will be tripped up this late in the game.

“The only thing that can stop her now is a problem during the body cavity search,” says Snooki.

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