THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Charlie Sheen’

Pope performs exorcism on Charlie Sheen

Posted by oldancestor on March 11, 2011

Demon Rick James sent back to Hell

By Lacy Thundercake       

Performing exorcism: Almost as dangerous as driving taxi

LOS ANGELES – Pope Benedict made a rare appearance in Los Angeles yesterday to perform an exorcism on actor Charlie Sheen, who was believed to have been possessed by the evil spirit of late soul singer Rick James. The ceremony, which lasted four hours and was shown live on E! and MTV, began with an agitated Sheen urinating on the floor, which surprised no one. It ended with the Pontiff requesting the apparently cured actors autograph for his niece.

Sheens recent bizarre behavior – which included naked tirades, prostitute abuse, and calling TV producers who pay him millions of dollars to make snarky comments for a half hour a week clowns – was sufficient evidence for entertainment scientists to declare him possessed.  

Plus, his head was spinning and he was, like, singing, superfreak, superfreak,’” says Brandi Sparkleshadow, science consultant for the celebrity gossip web site TMZ. Or so I heard.

Pope Benedict, a catholic, arrived at LAX yesterday morning aboard the papal jet Gabriel One and met privately – and simultaneously -with both Sheen and the demon. Legendary boxing referee Mills Lane was also present to lay ground rules for the exorcism and, in the words of one eyewitness, to add an air of solemnity to the proceedings.

During the bout, Benedict chanted bible verses in Latin, a language the demon of Rick James did not appear to understand. The Pontiff was forced to conduct the remainder of the session in English, an archaic version of Jive. Later, referee Lane deducted a point from James for projectile vomiting, a form of demon counterattack that was outlawed in the 1970s.

Scientists are not sure how Rick James became a demon, but some Catholics believe that, when he passed away in 2004, his body transubstantiated into Pure Funk, leaving his cocaine-addled spirit free to possess the souls of celebrities such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and former vice presidential candidate John Edwards.

Others believe thats b*llsh*t.

Yesterdays exorcism ended on a quiet note when the Pope shook a wet microphone at Sheen, whose body went limp. The demon spirit of Rick James quickly boarded a funkadelic starship piloted by George Clinton, which blasted off before authorities could apprehend him.

According to eyewitnesses, a groggy Sheen later said, Wow, the last thing I remember was winning critical praise for Platoon.

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The Anvil extends sympathy to the victims and survivors of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan and hopes for the best as the people there begin to put their lives back together. We share one world. – OA

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Oscar recap: Male-female co-host experiment is a disaster!

Posted by oldancestor on February 28, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Wolfman, winner of the Best Make-up Oscar

 

LOS ANGELES – ABC producers have to be lamenting their decision to hire Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan as co-hosts of the 83rd Annual Academy Awards, which aired Sunday night. What  started as a promising idea ended in disaster when the erratic stars stayed true to recent form and nearly sank the broadcast with their bizarre behavior.

Sheen, whose sitcom, What Happened to Emilio?, has been put on hiatus for the remainder of the television season, showed up 20 minutes late, forcing producers to fill the gap with old Popeye cartoons. The troubled actor walked on stage fully nude and, instead of delivering a monologue, beat up a prostitute and shouted profanities for 5 minutes. He was arrested and taken into custody by police just before the Best Animated Short film award was announced, prompting presenter Tom Hanks to quip, What the f**k? 

Audiences were shocked when many of the favorites in the major award categories, including Natalie Portman for Best Actress and The King’s Speech for Best Picture, failed to capture statuettes. It was later alleged that Sheens co-host, Lohan, had stolen the sealed envelopes announcing the winners and replaced them with her own. The originals were found in the trunk of Lohans car, which she initially claimed was not hers, despite the registration card in the glove compartment with her name on it.

She later said, Me and Price Waterhouse Cooper are, like, really good friends, so I was just borrowing the envelopes from him. 

To her credit, the plucky star finished her hosting duties without the help of Sheen.

Despite the grumbling of some nominees who walked away from the awards ceremony empty handed, ABC producers said that, once a winners name is read on the air, the victory is official. With that in mind, here are yesterdays winners in the major categories:

Best Supporting Actress – Lindsay Lohan, Machete

Best Supporting Actor Actress Part II – Lindsay Lohan, Freaky Friday

Best Actress – Lindsay Lohan, I Know Who Killed Me

Best Actor Actress Part II – Lindsay Lohan, Herbie Fully Loaded

Best Director – Lindsay Lohan 

­Best Film – Lindsay Lohan

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