THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘celebrities’

Celebrity look-alikes with a twist

Posted by oldancestor on November 27, 2011

I came here for the fake news and all I got was a stupid link!

 

Hey gang. You might get a laugh from an article I wrote today for Pure Film Creative, where I am a contributing writer. It’s a celebrity look-alike piece from a slightly abstract perspective.

Click here to view.

If you find yourself bitter and angry about being lured here without a fake news story to read, I hope I can appease you with this kitty cat picture. The last one was a big hit.

– Eric

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments »

Godzilla’s career on the rocks after sex scandal

Posted by oldancestor on May 30, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Godzilla at the White House last year (file photo)

TOKYO – Godzilla, considered by many to be the world’s biggest movie star, may find his career in shambles following revelations he fathered a child by another woman while married to Mrs. Godzilla.

The mystery woman, who has not given her name, came forward last week to declare that her five-year-old son was the offspring of the cinematic giant. She said she was suspicious from the beginning when the child hatched from an egg and resembled a dinosaur.

“I wanted to believe it was my husband’s, but inside I knew the truth,” she said in an exclusive interview today with The Anvil. “Still, I wouldn’t trade that one night of passion for anything.”

The woman’s husband was quoted by witnesses as bragging, “My wife did Godzilla!”

 

The Mystery Woman

When the allegations first surfaced, fans and entertainment reporters alike expected a quick denial from the saurian star. When none was forthcoming, suspicions were aroused. Then came the bombshell: Mrs. Godzilla’s public announcement that she was separating from her husband after 25 years of marriage.

“ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR,” she said, maintaining her composure in the face of reporters’ probing, sometimes intensely personal questions.

Godzilla quickly admitted to the affair and said he would take full responsibility for the child’s educational and financial needs.

Though he was praised for being forthright about the scandal, Godzilla’s star status is taking a hit, as is his bank account. The actor was fired today from the upcoming Arnold Schwarzenegger biopic, How Green was My Governor, in which Godzilla was set to star as the popular Austrian bodybuilder-turned-politician. Now, the dream of winning the academy award that has long eluded him may go unfulfilled at least a while longer.

Rival monster Gamera, The Flying Turtle is in talks to replace Godzilla on the film. Gamera won an Emmy last year for playing the island in the series finale of the TV show Lost.

 

Gamera, rising star

Godzilla and Mrs. Godzilla had no children during their two and a half decades of marriage, though Godzilla has a son, Minya, from a previous relationship.

Godzilla was briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor in the early 1960s.

He rose to fame in Japan in the 1950s when he starred in legendary director Akira Kurosawa’s The 700-ft Samurai. His first American film was Giant, in which he played the titular character opposite the late James Dean. His biggest hit was the film Immense (1999), the sequel to 1997’s Titanic.

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Life takes strange turns, doesn’t it? For example, until a week ago, I never thought I’d be reviewing a fashion exhibit for an entertainment blog, yet if you go check out my new story for Pure Film Creative, that’s exactly what happened.

Here’s a sample of it from the Alexander McQueen show currently in New York. Click the link above to read my take on it.

 

Does this make my butt look big?

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments »

Pope performs exorcism on Charlie Sheen

Posted by oldancestor on March 11, 2011

Demon Rick James sent back to Hell

By Lacy Thundercake       

Performing exorcism: Almost as dangerous as driving taxi

LOS ANGELES – Pope Benedict made a rare appearance in Los Angeles yesterday to perform an exorcism on actor Charlie Sheen, who was believed to have been possessed by the evil spirit of late soul singer Rick James. The ceremony, which lasted four hours and was shown live on E! and MTV, began with an agitated Sheen urinating on the floor, which surprised no one. It ended with the Pontiff requesting the apparently cured actors autograph for his niece.

Sheens recent bizarre behavior – which included naked tirades, prostitute abuse, and calling TV producers who pay him millions of dollars to make snarky comments for a half hour a week clowns – was sufficient evidence for entertainment scientists to declare him possessed.  

Plus, his head was spinning and he was, like, singing, superfreak, superfreak,’” says Brandi Sparkleshadow, science consultant for the celebrity gossip web site TMZ. Or so I heard.

Pope Benedict, a catholic, arrived at LAX yesterday morning aboard the papal jet Gabriel One and met privately – and simultaneously -with both Sheen and the demon. Legendary boxing referee Mills Lane was also present to lay ground rules for the exorcism and, in the words of one eyewitness, to add an air of solemnity to the proceedings.

During the bout, Benedict chanted bible verses in Latin, a language the demon of Rick James did not appear to understand. The Pontiff was forced to conduct the remainder of the session in English, an archaic version of Jive. Later, referee Lane deducted a point from James for projectile vomiting, a form of demon counterattack that was outlawed in the 1970s.

Scientists are not sure how Rick James became a demon, but some Catholics believe that, when he passed away in 2004, his body transubstantiated into Pure Funk, leaving his cocaine-addled spirit free to possess the souls of celebrities such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and former vice presidential candidate John Edwards.

Others believe thats b*llsh*t.

Yesterdays exorcism ended on a quiet note when the Pope shook a wet microphone at Sheen, whose body went limp. The demon spirit of Rick James quickly boarded a funkadelic starship piloted by George Clinton, which blasted off before authorities could apprehend him.

According to eyewitnesses, a groggy Sheen later said, Wow, the last thing I remember was winning critical praise for Platoon.

* * * * *

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The Anvil extends sympathy to the victims and survivors of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan and hopes for the best as the people there begin to put their lives back together. We share one world. – OA

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Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments »

Lindsay Lohan has finally bitten off more than she can chew

Posted by oldancestor on July 11, 2010

Will Megan Fox win an Oscar because of it?

 

By Lacy Thundercake

Lohan in a scene from her latest film, "Konga: 2010." Critics are buzzing, but will Academy voters remember her performance next year?

 LOS ANGELES – Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan nearly choked to death at a trendy Los Angeles restaurant Saturday night after she attempted to swallow an oversized meatball, say witnesses. She was inadvertently saved by troubled actor Mel Gibson.

Lohan, notorious for shoving too much food in her mouth at once, was said to have ordered a menu item called “Death by Meatball” at MegaPasta, a popular eatery on Santa Monica Boulevard. According to sources at the scene, Lohan’s friends warned her not to attempt downing the spicy, round delicacy in one try, but the actress laughed them off and did it anyway. Seconds later, her face was turning purple.

A drunken Gibson, who happened to be dining there at the same time, allegedly mistook Lohan for his ex-girlfriend Oksana and began accosting her.

A waitress at the restaurant told the Anvil that Gibson shouted, “You ugly, purple-faced skank. I hope you get dry-humped by a gaggle of rabid kangaroos.” Allegedly, he then slammed Lohan against the wall, and the force of the impact dislodged the object from her throat.

Paramedics arrived a short time later and treated the 24-year-old actress at the scene. Gibson, a follower of noted first-century pacifist Jesus Christ, asked EMS workers if they were Jewish and, without waiting for an answer, began uttering anti-Semitic comments. He was quickly removed from the building by restaurant security.

“Patrons should know you can’t chew one of our meatballs whole,” said the restaurant’s manager, Luigi Cozzi. “It’s almost the size of my fist.”

Lohan was reportedly out celebrating because she learned she’d been cast to play Britney Spears in an upcoming biopic about the pop singer.

“Britney is such a screw up,” Lohan told The Hollywood Reporter just hours before the choking incident. “It’s sad what she’s done to her career. I hope this movie shames her into getting help.”

The busy star is also playing Paris Hilton in another biopic that starts shooting in the fall. That film, tentatively titled Famous for No Freaking Reason Whatsoever, is expected to be released next summer. Lohan, a method actress, has gone so far as to arrange a jail stint for herself later this month so she can fully understand Hilton’s life experience.

And in an odd twist that can only happen in Hollywood, untroubled actress Megan Fox has just been signed by New Line Cinema to play Lindsay Lohan in a biopic about Lohan starring in the biopics about Hilton and Spears.

Not to be outdone, Warner Brothers studios has just greenlit a biopic about Megan Fox playing Lohan playing Hilton and Spears. The role of Ms. Fox will be played by Gary Oldman. Also scheduled to appear in the film are Samuel L. Jackson and Sir Ben Kingsley, who will portray each other.

So where does Mel Gibson fit into all this?

Despite the numerous controversies surrounding the star, Gibson continues to direct and produce his own films. The man behind the international smash The Passion of the Christ plans to begin shooting a historical drama this fall about British oppression of Nazis during World War II.

“If you’ve seen my films,” Gibson said in last week’s issue of Fascist Aficionado, “You know what rotten people the British are. It’s time the world leaned the truth.”

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Kristen Stewart, Joran Van der Sloot in trouble again: Keep reading to find out which one killed somebody…

Posted by oldancestor on June 8, 2010

Twilight star Kristen Stewart says, “Earning millions… is like getting kicked in the crotch”

 

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Kristen Stewart is rushed to a hospital after she sprained her face trying to smile

HOLLYWOOD – As if vampires and werewolves weren’t bad enough, Bella Swan now faces an even graver threat: The words that come out of her mouth.

Kristen Stewart, who stars as the put-upon heroine in the Twilight film series, courted controversy in a recent interview by comparing fame to sexual assault. She has since apologized, but that didn’t stop her from telling reporters at the MTV Awards two days ago, “Earning millions of dollars to pout on camera is like getting kicked in the crotch all day. It sucks.”

After being forced to take the role of Bella at gunpoint and then enduring the adulation of millions of fans, the long-suffering Stewart may have reached her breaking point. Last week she underwent a painful surgical procedure that enables her to smile, simply so she can stop injuring her face trying to look happy once in a while. But her new grin will never mask the pain inside.

“I just want to be like everyone else,” she says, “either working for minimum wage at the mall or generating a hundred-thousand dollars in student loan bills that I’ll never be able to pay off while I slog away for 50 years as an insurance claims processor.”

OJ Simpson finally finds the Real Killer: Joran Van der Sloot

 

By Lacy Thundercake

 

LIMA, PERU – Dutchman Joran Van der Sloot is only two land masses into his quest of murdering seven women on seven continents, and he’s already hit a snag: OJ Simpson.

Simpson, who was acquitted of killing his ex-wife Nicole and innocent bystander Ronald Goldman in 1994, vowed to one day catch the real killer. And, according to Simpson’s lawyer, that day is here. It’s none other than Joran Van der Sloot, (alleged) murderer of American Natalee Holloway.

Unfortunately for the former football star, both he and his quarry are incarcerated for separate crimes several thousand miles from each other.

Simpson is currently serving a 33-year sentence for kidnapping and armed robbery, while Van der Sloot is being held in connection with the murder of a 21-year-old Peruvian woman. Van der Sloot was seen on a security video entering a hotel room with the woman last week and emerging alone a few hours later. The woman was found dead.

Simpson’s lawyer, Shyster McShady, says his client is willing to let bygones be bygones.

“We just wanted to identify the real killer, not send him to prison,” says McShady. “After Joran is out of jail and finishes his little killing spree, we have a proposition for him.”

It is believed Simpson plans to pitch a sitcom about two criminals who miraculously get away with murder once but are so dumb they brazenly commit a second heinous crime and are caught.

It may be a while before the program hits the airwaves, though. Van der Sloot has yet to kill a woman in Antarctica, a task which is difficult, experts say, owing to the sparse population and lack of tourist hotels.

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Lindsay Lohan STILL not dead… Megan Fox FIRED from Schindler’s List reboot… Plus: Underwear

Posted by oldancestor on June 4, 2010

TRY THESE CELEBRITY SHOCKERS ON FOR SIZE!

 

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Lindsay Lohan parties the night away at a trendy Hollywood nightclub

LINDSAY: THE NEW RASPUTIN?

HOLLYWOOD – In a two-week period that saw the celebrity deaths of heavy metal veteran Ronnie James Dio, Slipknot bassist Paul Gray, ‘Golden Girl’ Rue McClanahan, and acting legend Gary Coleman, plus another actor named Dennis Hopper, the Grim Reaper proved once again he’s got a soft spot for 23-year-old Ms. Lohan.

Maybe it’s her sweet blue-gray eyes or girl-next-door freckles, but the Reaper continues to spare the tabloid princess, despite her increasingly bizarre and self-destructive behavior.

“Being weird isn’t usually fatal,” argues Mr. Reaper, though that sounds to us like an excuse. After all, he didn’t seem to feel that way last year when he claimed hitmaker-turned-superfreak Michael Jackson.

Across the country this week, office workers are angry or giving up on ‘dead celebrity’ pools altogether.

“I’ve had Lindsay since the beginning of the year,” says copier salesman Pinky Middleton of CopyYourButt Inc. “I’m bleeding money here.”

Mr. Reaper isn’t swayed.

“Oh, come on,” he says. “Who’s going to make money playing those odds?”     

MEGAN FOX DISSES; STEVEN SPIELBERG DISMISSES

HOLLYWOOD – Raven-haired beauty Megan Fox has been fired from the new Schindler’s List reboot by director Steven Spielberg, leaving the future of the superhero franchise in doubt.

The original film featured Irish actor Liam Neeson in the title role, playing a factory owner inspired to save his workers from Nazi oppression. The remake was to have gone in an action-oriented direction, with Fox starring as Desiree Schindler, a fascist-fighting superbabe with a magic lasso and the power to turn into a flying robot.

Megan first caught the attention of producers last year when she likened Transformers director Michael Bay to Adolph Hitler.

“We like that she has experience with effects movies,” executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer said at the time Fox’s casting was announced. “And, based on her comments about Mr. Bay, it’s obvious she dislikes Nazis, which is important for this role.”

But that was before the outspoken Ms. Fox made some questionable public observations about the first Schindler’s List film and its director.

“I can’t believe it was black and white,” the actress told reporters last week. “I mean, are we in film school or something? And the German accents. Why would Germans speak English to each other with a German accent?”

She went on to say, “Maybe it was black and white because [Spielberg] lost so much money on Hook, he couldn’t afford color film. Have you seen Hook? It’s shocking that, after they watched the dailies at the end of the first day, they didn’t scrap the whole thing right then and there.”

A disappointed Spielberg pressed a button yesterday, making Fox’s career vanish.

STARLETS, HEIRESSES WEARING MORE UNDERWEAR, SMOKING LESS CRACK

 

LOS ANGELES – Much to the chagrin of tabloid journalists and purveyors of celebrity-skin websites, several young actresses, singers, and heiresses have started wearing underwear in limos and stopped (allegedly) smoking crack. Some are no longer shaving their heads or attacking cars.

Paris Hilton’s cootchie has not been seen in public in two years, and Britney Spears hasn’t displayed bizarre, freak-out behavior (or her cootchie) in nearly as long.

Some blame the crack shortage that has devastated Los Angeles this spring, but others put responsibility on an even more insidious trend: Listening to one’s publicist. Hollywood gossip mongers now believe publicists have been advising clients against making internet sex tapes and using hardcore drugs. Let’s just hope these young ladies don’t listen to such wretched advice for long.

No word on when politicians and athletes will find out cheating on their wives with nightclub strippers and porn stars might cause a career glitch.

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Obamas spend Memorial Day weekend at Jersey shore; Pres punches Snookie in face

Posted by oldancestor on June 1, 2010

DON KING CALLS FOR STEEL-CAGE REMATCH

 

By Eric J Baker

 

President Obama's mugshot, taken by police in Seaside Heights, NJ. He was later released without being charged.

SEASIDE HEIGHTS, NJ – President Obama, hoping for a weekend respite from criticism over his handling of the Gulf oil spill, suddenly finds himself embroiled in yet another controversy.

While vacationing with his family at the New Jersey shore this Saturday, the President got into an altercation at a bar that ended with him landing a straight right to the chin of reality TV star Snookie, knocking her unconscious.

Witnesses quote Obama as boasting, “I may be skinny, but I’m tough,” as he leaned over the dazed 22-year-old.

Footage captured by an MTV camera crew shows the President and first lady Michele Obama entering the Tiki Tavern, a night club in Seaside Heights, NJ, around 10 p.m. to order drinks. A short time later, Snookie’s reality TV co-star The Situation is seen approaching Mrs. Obama. The President then steps between them, and a shoving match ensues. Near the end of the dark, grainy video, Snookie appears to reach for the first lady, at which point a punch is thrown by the President.

Witnesses say bouncers quickly stepped in to prevent further violence, and the four brawlers were taken into police custody.

President Obama was photographed and booked by local authorities, but, after discussions between the arresting officers and former president Bill Clinton, a frenemy of the current administration, Obama was released without being charged.

Criticism from conservatives came swiftly as news of the fistfight spread.

“It’s typical Chicago-style politics,” said a disgusted Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, cable television’s most watched news channel. “Come ahhhn!”

Fellow Fox pundit Glenn Beck, known for his measured, thoughtful analysis, became emotional when reviewing the footage of the scrap on his program. “Folks,” he said, fighting back tears, “this president might as well have been punching the Constitution.”

Obama has yet to release a statement, though White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs did tell reporters the President was simply defending his lady, like any decent man would.

“F***ing ‘A’ right,” echoed Vice President Joe Biden, who served as acting president for two hours while Obama awaited release from custody.

Witnesses say both Snookie and The Situation were high on zepolies and oversized pizza slices, which, if true, might lend credence to Secretary Gibbs’ assertion that the President acted in self defense.

Another issue has arisen today that could prove embarrassing for the White House: Just where were the Secret Service agents who are tasked with ensuring the President’s safety at all times?

“I didn’t see no bodyguards,” says Pinky Middleton, 53, manager of the bar where the incident occurred. “But hey! This is the Jersey shore. Anything can happen. You know what I mean? Fugettaboutit.”

He went on to say, “Next time you’re in Seaside, come to the Tiki Tavern, where ladies drink for half price every Monday and Tuesday through Labor Day.”

An unnamed reporter interviewing Mr. Middleton agreed to print the comment in exchange for a free pitcher of Long Island iced tea and a plate of hot wings.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

News round up: This week’s top stories make last week’s top stories look like complete crap!

Posted by oldancestor on May 19, 2010

Jennifer Aniston denies eating babies

 

Jennier Aniston seen relaxing at home. She denies all baby rumors.

LOS ANGELES – A-list actress Jennifer Aniston was embroiled in controversy this week when reports surfaced she eats baby food to stay thin, a claim at which she later scoffed.    

But that was before investigative reporters found the skeletons of two infants in Aniston’s trash can outside her Malibu home. A publicist for the Leprechaun star (really) said the bones were already in the house when she moved in, and she had “just gotten around” to disposing of them.

However, forensics experts who examined the remains said the infants were alive as recently as three weeks ago. In other words, about how long it takes to eat two babies.

There is no word yet on when charges might be filed.

 Until then, we can only wonder why an actress, who’s so famous her weird last name isn’t even flagged by Microsoft spellcheckers, would eat babies to stay trim rather than simply exercise. Perhaps there really is no such thing as bad publicity.

Conflict escalating in a country no one can spell, much less pronounce

KYRGYZSTAN – Angry protestors stormed the capitol building in Byshkk this week, demanding the government take action to address the ongoing shortage of vowels in the small, somewherish nation. President Jyhnythyn Myllyr continues to blame militant rebels, but many citizens feel that excuse has worn thin.

“We’re out here suffering while the president and his cronies live like kings,” said protestor Pynky Myddltyn. “I’m tired of hearing how it’s the rebels’ fault. Why should we believe that?”

Rebel leader Hooowaaard Viiiilaaaniiii has repeatedly denied his group is responsible for hoarding the missing vowels.

“We’re fighting for the people of Kyrgyzstan to end the oppression,” said Viiiilaaaniiii. “I’m a folk hero. Would a folk hero lie? HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!!”

Several nations in the region, including Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Uzbekistan, also end in “stan.”

Albinos sued for lack of diversity

KENYA – It looks like oppression at the hands of Albinos may finally be coming to an end.

A class-action suit has been brought against the pigment-shunning group by a broad coalition of blacks, Europeans, Hispanics, and East-Asians demanding inclusion into the “all-white” country club.

In a statement released to the press, a lawyer for the coalition said, “This isn’t about money. My clients simply want the right to call themselves albino. Why should people feel ostracized merely for having skin that’s a few shades too dark?”

The coalition is said to be asking for reparations in the amount of five hundred millions dollars.

“I’m sick of feeling like a second-class citizen in this world,” said Bradford Wainwright IV of Beverly Hills, CA, who decided to join the lawsuit while spending the weekend in Paris.

At a press conference yesterday, a spokesperson for the Albinos said, “Help. I need vitamin D.”

Contrary to popular belief, your dad’s legs are not albino.

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Entertainment News: Lohan lands in hot water!

Posted by oldancestor on April 17, 2010

OH, LINDSAY!

By Lacy Thundercake

 

LOS ANGELES – Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan fell from a balcony railing Friday night, landing in a Jacuzzi filled with overheated water, say Santa Monica police officers who responded to the 9-1-1 call. The star refused transportation to a hospital and was treated at the scene for minor burns.

When pressed, Police Chief Rodney Pushpin was unable to explain why the water was so hot. “Someone may have set the temperature too high,” he suggested. “Why the hell they [hot tub manufacturers] let you turn the dial past the warning is beyond me.”

Lohan, 57, said she fell in the water on purpose to wash baby powder from her shoes, but several witnesses stated she wasn’t using cocaine.

The incident, which took place at a private residence, is the latest in a string of controversies surrounding the actress in recent years. In 2005, she made headlines by skipping out on college to illegally race a white Volkswagen Beetle, nicknamed “Herbie,” but not before striking and nearly killing NASCAR legend Trip Murphy with the vehicle. A few years later she ran into trouble when she knew who killed her twin sister but didn’t tell anyone.   

The star is better known for scandals than acting these days, but Lohan had won critical praise for her performances in the hit films Freaky Friday (2003) and Mean Girls (2004). Her first big break came when she landed the role of “Tessio” in the acclaimed 1972 gangster classic, The Godfather, though she is probably most recognized for playing the murderer “Jason Voorhees” in four of the Friday the 13th horror sequels. She also directed Star Wars.

There’s no way to predict how this latest incident will affect her already damaged reputation with movie audiences. She’ll have a chance to find out this summer when she stars in Citizen Kane II: Revenge of Rosebud, the long-awaited sequel to late director Orson Welles’ 1941 film-noir masterpiece. The follow up is being helmed by Crank 2: High Voltage director Brian Taylor.

Regarding Friday night’s hot-tub incident, Police Chief Pushpin said, “The most important thing to remember is Lindsay wasn’t seriously hurt. It could have been a lot worse.” He also noted that an unknown woman who’s not famous was killed when Lohan landed on her and broke her neck. Anyone with information regarding the victim’s identity is encouraged to contact Santa Monica police.

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »