THE ANVIL

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Posts Tagged ‘atheism’

S&P makes A THIRD downgrade!

Posted by oldancestor on August 8, 2011

By Robotman

 

 

Montague Poor, militant poop thrower

NEW YORK – Shadowy militant organization Standard & Poor’s, which just days ago reduced the United States’ credit rating from AAA to Less Than AAA, has struck again. The target this time: The sneeze.

A representative from S&P announced earlier today that the sneeze was being downgraded from a religious experience to a biological function.  Reading from a prepared statement, the spokesperson said, “It has been determined that the soul does not, in fact, leave the body during a sneeze. The sneeze is no more significant than the cough or the hiccup. We are advising people to stop saying, ‘God bless you,’ after someone sneezes. It’s stupid and a waste of time.”

Indeed, most economists agree that, in the United States alone, office employees who stop to bless sneezing co-workers cost more in lost productivity every year than pornography and death. The tradition also causes a backlog in America’s court system, with atheists regularly suing their employers for allegedly permitting hostile work environments.

Many religious groups, on the other hand, are calling the S&P downgrade, “another volley in the War on Christmas.”

Creationism advocacy group Y6K (Yes, the Earth is 6000 Thousand Years Old) issued a statement today claiming, in part, “Our scientists, all graduates of Y6K University, which is fully accredited by the Y6K Accreditation Society, have proven that Satan tickles your nose with a feather just before you sneeze. Only by saying, ‘God bless you,’ is the soul returned to the nostrils and saved from an eternity in the fires of Hell.”

Marcus Bachmann, Y6K’s president and husband of GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann, was busy trolling gay bars in disguise and could not be reached for comment.

Standard and Poor’s is no stranger to controversy. Last October, the organization’s co-founder, Montague Poor (pictured above), was arrested for throwing feces at competitor Dow Jones, who was exiting a nightclub in the SoHo section of New York City. The charges were dropped when a judge ruled that feces throwing, while disgusting, is not illegal.

Two months later, S&P found itself in the news again when it downgraded your sister from “skank” to “fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down,” their lowest rating.

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Posted in Business | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments »

New Lady Gaga song offends Catholics, people with ears

Posted by oldancestor on April 18, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

Not even people with weird hats like Lady Gaga's new song, "Judas."

LOS ANGELES – Pop star Lady Gaga took a short break from her 2011 Plastic-Outfit-A-Day challenge to release a new single entitled Judas, a provocative religion-themed song that has Catholics everywhere incensed. To add to the controversy, Gaga has recently been performing the song dressed as biblical figure Mary Magdalene, specifically from the period that Magdalene was said to have worn a cellophane dress with tape over her nipples, a thong, and a nun’s headgear (John 3:16).

 An irate catholic identifying himself as Pope Benedict released a statement today that read, in part, “This song is a clear affront to all people of spiritual belief, though I haven’t heard it. I demand that the harlot’s record label immediately withdraw the song from radio stations, retail stores, and internet music sites. Blah, blah, so on and so forth. Did you get all that? Type up a nice ending for me. Was I supposed to say ‘stop’ before?”

In addition to being a pop singer and prolific recycler, Gaga, whose real name is Didn’tMadonnaDoThisTwentyYearsAgo,ButBetter, is also a renowned theologian who believes the story of Judas Iscariot is underrepresented in the world of disposable bubble-gum pop music.

“Like me,” Gaga said recently while serving as a panel member at Oxford University’s post-graduate theological conference, “Judas is persecuted, rightly or wrongly. Did he lead the Nazis to Jesus? Did he not? Am I typical of egotistical celebrities who equate photographers taking my picture with martyrdom? Or not?”

Catholics may be offended by the song, but it’s hard to argue that Gaga doesn’t know her new testament intimately, based on this lyric sample:

Hey Judas, why did you do dis?

You sold your boss out for some coins

I’d like to kick you in the groins

Da Vinci depicted you wit’ paint

But that don’t make you a saint!

Break it down. Hey!

 

Even in the secular world, Gaga’s newest single is causing a stir.

‘People With Ears,’ a loose affiliation of Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Tea Party members, and Greens, has launched a new campaign called Make it Stop!, with the stated goal of eradicating all music that could be mistaken for the theme song to a Nickelodeon ‘tween comedy.

Says the group’s founder, Pinky Middleton of Cleveland Ohio, “That Lady Gaga song sounds like someone from iCarly got drunk after Sunday school and decided to record a song about it.”

Researchers from Princeton University who track people’s reactions to Lady Gaga songs initially claimed that the only people not offended by the single were deaf atheists. They later retracted the statement when it was learned that an organization of deaf atheists called ‘Imaginary Gods Don’t Hear Prayers, And Neither Can I’ had come forward to report that they, too, didn’t like it.

“Whenever I feel the vibrations of a speaker playing that song, I’m outta there,” signed the organization’s president, Topaz Xu.

In unrelated news, Lady Gaga’s music label, Toothache Records, announced a joint marketing effort with the PR firm, Vatican City Promotions, to generate free publicity.

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Hello, Anvil readers. Be sure to stop by Pure film Creative to read my latest column, Rock Saved the Queen. Just in time to insult our newest friend, Alannah Murphy, I tell all about what horrid, ghastly, wicked people the British are!

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Today’s wonderful image created by Sandra Tarsitano

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Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments »

Florida preacher burns Richard Dawkins book; atheists rampage

Posted by oldancestor on April 3, 2011

By Eric J Baker

All Richard Dawkins readers are vampires.

GATORBAG, FL – A pastor from an evangelical church near Gainesville, Florida burned a copy of the Richard Dawkins book DNA for Dummies (i.e. You) this weekend, causing millions of his atheist followers across the country to go on a mad rampage, storming supermarkets, car dealerships, restaurants, and other places of business with one thing on their minds: Revenge.

Witnesses say the atheists bought items and ordered meals during the melee. Thousands of cars were test driven by them on Saturday, with at least 75 drives resulting in purchases, though officials expect the sales toll to rise.

“We’re out of stock on a few things,” said beleaguered shop owner Pinky Middleton of Atlanta, whose inventory was reduced by the attack. “Greek yogurt was on sale, so naturally, we ran out.”

When asked why he burned Dawkins’ book on evolutionary biology, considered by many to be one of hundreds on the market, the controversial Reverend Josephus Crunky said, “I hated Family Feud when he was the host. 1976 to 1985 were dark times indeed.”

Neither Richard Dawkins, the book’s author, or Richard Dawson, former host of the Family Feud, could be reached for comment, but historian and expert on British people called Richard, Sir Edmund Bollocks, said, “Those two chaps, plus King Richard III, complete the perfect trifecta of utterly unrelated Richards.”

Few of the crazed nonbelievers involved in the attack were willing to go on record, though one man, who identified himself only by his first name, Dracula, said, “Richard Dawkins’ book improved the quality of my life. Once he convinced me to give up religion, crosses no longer burned my flesh. I simply stopped thinking they could hurt me, like in that Wild West episode of Star Trek with the phantom bullets. From the third season.”

He also said, “I became a vegetarian as well, so steak couldn’t damage my heart. Get it? Stake. Steak. Hello? Is this thing on? Woo. Tough crowd.”

The incident was not the only controversial book burning to take place in Florida this week. On Friday, another preacher, Reverend Skippy Flintspark of Tallahassee, set ablaze the space alien holy book, To Serve Man, while his congregation looked on. In response, angry aliens sent an armada of star cruisers to Earth, vaporizing Washington DC and New York City.

Yet another preacher, Reverend Jesse Jackson, attempted to broker peace between humans and the aliens by saying of To Serve Man, “It’s a cookbook!”

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 Greetings, Anvil readers! When you have a minute, please go check out my guest post on LA filmmaker and entertainment writer James Killough’s blog Pure Film Creative . Fair warning to people with PG-13 tastes: James’ blog is not for people who offend easily, and you’re going to see a very different side of my writing.

Peace.

Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 17 Comments »