THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Posts Tagged ‘Al Gore’

Experts predict unprecedented weather catastrophe in next century

Posted by oldancestor on March 26, 2011

Also: Duke upset… What does it mean? See below.

 

By Eric J Baker

For hack artists, lightning bolts are the easiest weather phenomenon to draw

SILVER SPRING, MD – Meteorologists at the National Weather Service made a startling prediction today that, if true, will have far-reaching effects on global economic development, transportation, and modern lifestyle. Their claim?

By 2115, the world may run out of weather.

Speaking to reporters at National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) headquarters in Silver Spring, agency director Wendy Day said, “The rate at which modern humans are using weather cannot be sustained. Rain Tuesday and Wednesday, sun on Thursday, windy and cold on Friday… it’s irresponsible to say the least.”

Day also pointed out that, if people need an idea of what life would be like without weather, we need look no further than to our nearest neighbor in the sky, the moon, which is devoid of weather.

“Why do you think no one goes there anymore?” she said. “It sucks.”

Conservatives around the country rejoiced at the news.

“So I guess without weather, there’s no global warming,” Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann said in an interview that aired on Cartoon Network earlier tonight. “American colonists fought the British in Vietnam so we could be free of environmental regulations. Finally, 2000 years later, the victory is complete.”

Former Vice President Al Gore, who has devoted his energy to combating the alleged dangers of global warming in recent years, quickly called his own news conference following the NOAA prediction.

Speaking from his office in Nashville, Gore told reporters, “Global warming uses up weather faster than no global warming. You get extra weather now, no weather later. Not to be alarmist, but within 150 years, humans will be living as our cousins, the worms, do, crawling through the mud, blind and armless and legless, wallowing in our weatherless world of,” at which point everyone present drifted into a peaceful, uninterrupted sleep.

When we awoke, he was gone.

Though some scientists dispute the NOAA findings, Zeus, the king of the gods, believes the prediction has merit.

“I’ve been tossing lightning bolts at the Earth for eons,” he told The Anvil via telephone. “Every time I reached into the pile, there were always more. Until the other day, when I looked and thought, hmmm, there’s maybe only a hundred years’ worth left.”

He added, “Which is just as well, since I’m going to need rotator cuff surgery at some point from all this bolt throwing.”

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Duke upset… what does it mean?

By Eric J Baker

DURHAM, UK – Sir Percival Pantywaist, the current Duke of Fluffington in Durham County, England, was upset yesterday when he spilled grape juice on his yellow velvet breeches, staining them.

Eyewitnesses said the Duke flitted his hands like a bird and stomped on the floor while shouting, “Oh crikey! It’s beastly I tell you. Just beastly!”

The velvet clothes worn by royal subjects in England are considered expensive and hard to replace when damaged, as they are often custom made.

Sir Edmund Bollocks, an expert on public figures in Great Britain, says Sir Percival is, “a complete pillow biter, don’t you think?”

So what does the Duke’s frustration mean for the future?

“It means I’ll be feeding that wanker grape juice with an eye dropper for the next six months,” said his only housekeeper, who declined to give her name for fear of being sacked.

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

The truth behind Al and Tipper Gore’s split: Recycling

Posted by oldancestor on June 3, 2010

HE DUG HER A WELL AND BOUGHT HER A REFILLABLE STAINLESS STEEL WATER BOTTLE… BUT IT WASN’T ENOUGH

 

By Lacy Thundercake

Al and Tipper Gore in happier times (early Cretaceous)

Although friends of the Gores are feigning ignorance in public over the reasons for the couple’s split, they know what the rest of us will soon discover: At long last, Tipper cracked that eggshell.

Sources close to the former Vice President and his wife say Tipper has dreaded saying the wrong thing around Al for years, mostly for fear of receiving a two-hour-long, monotone lecture about wind turbines. Of late, though, Al was said to have been acting irritable and on edge, which is unusual for someone incapable of feeling emotion.

Then, late last week, the unthinkable happened.

Tipper said (allegedly, but it sounds true), “What’s with all the stupid numbers inside the recycling logo thingie? Can’t they just have two numbers? One for ‘yes, you can recycle it,’ and two for, ‘no, you can’t recycle it?’ ”

That was enough for the tiny-carbon-footprint bearing Democrat. A fly on the wall told this reporter Mr. Gore flew into a rage, calmly standing, retrieving his car keys in an orderly fashion, and taking even steps on his way outside. He then tore off down the highway at 55 M.P.H., checking all three mirrors and signaling before changing lanes.  

“He could only have a detached sense of affection for one thing at a time,” says a family friend, “and that thing right now is climate change legislation. Tipper could not be the environment, no matter how hard she tried.”

Despite appearances of a happy marriage, many Washington insiders believe the couple was doomed from the start. Like President Obama, Al Gore suffers from Bodysnatcher’s Syndrome (BS), a condition which drains the victim of personality. Named for its discoverer, Dr. Heinrich Bodysnatcher, the disease is incurable, though sufferers are sometimes able to behave as if they feel emotion when on the campaign trail. 51 % of marriages in which a partner has BS end in divorce, far above the national average for all couples of 50%.

Neither Mr. nor Mrs. Gore has made a public statement regarding their future together, but Al seems to have moved on. He is rumored to be auditioning for the role of Spock in the upcoming Star Trek sequel.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Editorial: It’s time to embrace Global Warning

Posted by oldancestor on May 7, 2010

AL GORE CAN SUCK IT

 

By Lennie

Al Gore thinks he's hiding in Canada, but it's only a MAP of Canada. Duh.

World, wake up. While we all squabble over petty issues like wars, joblessness, and, most ridiculously, the environment (What is an environment anyway? Can you tell me what one is shaped like or what color it is? Didn’t think so), a giant rock is floating out there in space somewhere with Earth’s name on it.

Note: I don’t mean the asteroid is called “Earth.” That would be dumb. And confusing.

When that rock hits, it will make… something really big that happened seem insignificant by comparison. Remember the movie Armageddon? Imagine that, only (SPOILER ALERT) the good guys don’t destroy the asteroid at the end. It. Destroys. Us.

Yet, somehow, most of the world’s scientists are against Global Warning! That makes science the lamest thing ever. In fact, they warn us about it. If that’s not irony, I don’t know what is.

Note: Is it irony? I’m seriously asking, because I’m not sure.

My uncle Moe says there is a 114% chance the Earth will be struck by an asteroid sometime in the next 100 years, because they hit us once every 65 million years, and that’s exactly how long ago the dinosaurs were killed by the last one. But Uncle Moe isn’t a scientist, so we shouldn’t listen to him and just let the asteroid hit us. Right?

Sure, Global Warning will be expensive (at least a hundred bucks), but think of the benefits. Obviously, if the whole world knows an asteroid is coming, we can band together and build a giant missile to shoot it down before it’s too late. Hell, you can have the parts from my Chevy if that’ll help (the one in the barn, the ‘79 Nova, not my Cobalt).

Some may think this far fetched, but I saw a movie once (Invasion of the Astro Monster) about a planet, called X (really, it was called X. That’s not a placeholder I forgot to take out), that was right behind Jupiter, but we couldn’t see it because Jupiter is so big. Though, to tell the truth, Jupiter doesn’t look that big in photographs. Maybe if they had someone stand next to it… Anyway, the seemingly friendly aliens from X ended up invading Earth. Wouldn’t Global Warning give us a fighting chance at least?

I tried to contact former presidential candidate Al Gore, public enemy number one, and offer him the chance to write a counterpoint but, not surprisingly, he did not take my call (because he’s chickenpoop).

Anyway, write your local senator and demand Global Warning today!

Opinionoid: Asteroids travel at 10 times the speed of light, obliterating everything in their paths

Opinionoid: The cost of Global Warning is easily offset if you do some math

Opinionoid: The moon is there to block asteroids, and it’s done a pretty damn good job so far, don’t you think? Look at all the craters. That could have been your face.

Note: My editor tells me that it’s called Global Warming, but I told him there’s no such thing. He said he was going to run my editorial anyway, to show the world what a idoit I am. Well, who’s the idoit now, boss?

About the writer: Lennie is a moron who runs a one-man commercial dandelion farm and waits for the postal truck to come every day so he can ask for a free rubber band.

Posted in Editorial | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »