THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Zooey Deschanel Found in Fake News Story

Posted by oldancestor on January 20, 2012

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Wanna make purple?

 

LOS ANGELES – Actress Zooey Deschanel, who is set to play herself in the upcoming Zooey Deschanel biopic, Zooey Deschanel’s Existential Solution, found herself on the front page of the popular fake news journal The Anvil today in what some experts are calling a blatant attempt by the satirical news media to draw clicks from unsuspecting Deschanel fans.

“It’s particularly appalling to bandy about Zooey Deschanel’s name in a fake news story,” says media analyst and International Blindfolded Dart Throwing Federation champion Sir Edmund Bollocks. “A good fake news story uses satire to mock the caprices and eccentricities of modern society. What has Ms. Deschanel done that is both topical and begging for criticism? Nothing. Shouldn’t we be skewering the current political process instead?”

He also said, “Did you notice how many times the article uses her name in an underhanded effort to manipulate search engines? It’s Zooey Deschanel this and Zooey Deschanel that. I bite my thumb at any villain who sullies Ms. Deschanel’s good name in this way!”

Deschanel is believed by many to be overly adorable.

In an odd twist, The Anvil also mentioned obscure 1970s Italian movie director Sergio Martino in the same article, though the retired filmmaker has no known connection to Deschanel. Martino’s 1972 film, Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key bears a name so unwieldy that scientists say it is statistically impossible someone would type it into an internet search box.

The strange, contradictory move has some experts questioning The Anvil’s motives

You thought I was making it up, didn't you?

“I’ve never heard of Sergio Martino,” says Bollocks, “but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s part of an Italian film syndicate that’s in cahoots with a fake news industry bent on promoting films with horribly unmarketable names. Don’t be shocked when you see the name ‘Sergio Martino’ appear in the article several times.”

 

Bollocks adds, “Sergio Martino this, Sergio Martino that.  It’s just the kind of crass act you’ll find being perpetrated by these so-called satirists.”

When reached for comment on the fast-exploding scandal, Deschanel said, “I’m cute!”

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Editorial note: I’m sorry today’s story is so weird. I write what the toaster oven tells me to write.

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Posted in Entertainment News, Media | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Russian Space Probe Sent to Study Pacific Ocean Lands Successfully

Posted by oldancestor on January 15, 2012

By Robotman

Russian space probe in low-earth orbit

MOSCOW – Engineers and scientists at the Russian Space Federation cheered wildly on Sunday when their $127 spacecraft, Czar Trek II, successfully smashed to pieces upon crashing into the Pacific Ocean. The impact was the culmination of years of planning, followed by a week of scrambling after the vehicle was unable to escape Earth’s orbit and head to its original destination, Mars.

“We had to go with Plan Б,” said Space Federation spokesman Dmitri Crashnikov at yesterday’s press conference. “We can’t go to Mars, so we study ocean. Anyway, Mars is boring. Ocean has lots of creatures.”

Some critics accused the Russians of cutting corners by using an old Atari game console to navigate the craft, while other critics say the new film in the Mission Impossible franchise, Ghost Protocol, is the best of the four.

Not everyone agrees.

“When was the last good movie about Mars?” asks film enthusiast and redneck Pinky Middleton, conflating two unrelated concepts from a previous paragraph. “Angry Red Planet from 1959? Meanwhile, there are tons of good movies about the Pacific Ocean, like The Abyss, and all those World War II films where we fought the Japs.”

Data from Russia’s Pacific Ocean probe is not expected to be transmitted, as the craft was obliterated on impact.

“You American are too – how do you say it – old fashioned,” says Crashnikov. “Always with boring data about rocks and more rocks. In Russia, we study splash.”

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Hey kids, why not head over to PFC to check out Why Did They Cancel the Leper Hockey Game?, my write-up of SyFy channel’s special effects reality show Face Off, which includes the usual digressions and perversions. Better yet, maybe adults should be the ones who check it out.

Posted in Science, Technology, World News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Door hit Kim Jong Il’s ass on the way out, despite warnings

Posted by oldancestor on December 30, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Kim Jong Il in happier times, when he was less dead.

CAPE KENNEDY, FL – 2011 was already shaping up to be the worst year on record for evil scumbags when it was learned yesterday that the asses of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, Libyan fashionista Moammar Gadhafi, and North Korean hair model Kim Jong Il were all struck by the door on the way out. This despite repeated warnings from colloquial English speakers not to let it happen.

Discovery of the ass-hitting provided small consolation for those who believe the three men, all of whom died this year, did not suffer enough in passing.

“I’d like to have seen them dipped in honey and covered in fire ants, and then I would have watched as the ants slowly ate away at their flesh over several days, only to have someone come along and rub salt into their open wounds. But not enough to kill them, just enough to make them get all screamed out before someone else came along and ripped their finger nails off with pliers and then took a hammer and chisel to their teeth right before pouring boiling oil all over them and then, once they cooled off, sending in some baboons to rape them in the ears and eye sockets for fifteen hours,” said the Dalai Lama, a noted pacifist. “But I’ll take the ass smacking.”

Not everyone was so happy to hear the news.

“Evil took at hit in 2011, no doubt,” laments Pinky Middleton, owner of In Yo Face, Ltd., a company that sells novelty shooting targets featuring the likenesses of international villains. “I’m sitting a pile of inventory depicting people no one wants to pretend shoot anymore. Ah, well. Maybe Celine Dion will put out an album this year.”

The ass-hitting incident was discovered by NASA’s newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. It can also take soil samples.

In related but less-important news, NASA scientists discovered the meaning of life, the origin of the universe, and whether God exists yesterday using their newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. Details are available on The Anvil Pro Edition, available now for a low introductory subscription rate of $39.99 per month.*

 

 

*put the money inside a stuffed giraffe and leave it behind the cardboard recycling dumpster across the parking lot from my apartment tonight. Dont let anyone see you, especially NASA, though thats a fruitless endeavor these days, isnt it?

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Posted in Breaking News!, Science, World News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Colonel Klink surges past Gingrich in GOP poll

Posted by oldancestor on December 18, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Colonel Klink promises free colorectal exams for all

Des Moines, IA – GOP presidential hopeful Colonel Klink has topped our most recent election poll, largely on the strength of his nein, nein, nein tax plan, which, roughly translated, means, “No, no, no” new taxes. He led Newt Gingrich 22 percent to 18 percent in the survey of likely Republican voters conducted yesterday.

 

Klink was campaigning in Des Moines last night, where he told supporters he stands for “freedom, accountability, and competence in government.” He also said that if he does not win the upcoming Iowa caucuses, he has a panzer tank division standing by to take the state by force. 

 

Fellow GOP candidate Gingrich, in trying to fend off attacks from his rival, got himself into trouble Friday by comparing Klink’s campaign ads to Nazi propaganda and by referring to Klink himself as “Herr Commandant.”

 

When asked for a response to Gingrich’s comments, Klink said, “It’s pretty bad taste to imply someone is a Nazi. You just don’t do it. I assume he was joking, but there’s nothing funny about that period in history.”

 

He added, “For example, imagine if someone produced a TV sitcom set in a German prison camp in World War II. There’s no way that would be funny.”

 

Klink has thus far managed to avoid the scandals and controversies that have dogged other candidates and, in Herman Cain’s case, forced a withdrawal from the race. Despite having been born in Germany and, thus, being ineligible for the presidency, Klink has not faced any challenges from the so-called “birther” movement.

 

When The Anvil contacted the local chapter of the Flat-Birth Society to find out why they have not demanded that Klink’s birth records be made public, as they did with President Obama, the office’s spokesman Pinky Middleton said, “Because he’s white.”

 

Klink said he will no longer answer questions unrelated to domestic and foreign policy and referred all such inquiries to his campaign staff. In response to questions about Klink’s place of birth, opinions on TV sitcoms, and secret Nazi past, the candidate’s spokesman Sergeant Schultz told reporters today, “I know nothing. NOTHING!”  

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Posted in Breaking News!, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Celebrity look-alikes with a twist

Posted by oldancestor on November 27, 2011

I came here for the fake news and all I got was a stupid link!

 

Hey gang. You might get a laugh from an article I wrote today for Pure Film Creative, where I am a contributing writer. It’s a celebrity look-alike piece from a slightly abstract perspective.

Click here to view.

If you find yourself bitter and angry about being lured here without a fake news story to read, I hope I can appease you with this kitty cat picture. The last one was a big hit.

– Eric

Posted in Entertainment News | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments »

Firefighters to begin pepper spraying kittens

Posted by oldancestor on November 20, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Living the Thug Life

WASHINGTON DC – Fire department officials across the United States have begun advising their field personnel to use pepper spray against unruly kittens. The tactic has proven to be effective when dealing with the uncooperative felines, whose increasing refusal to be coaxed out of trees has reached epidemic proportions, some experts say.

“To keep our trees safe from these destructive pests, a more aggressive approach has been deemed necessary,” said Dante Alighieri, a spokesperson for the National Firefighter’s Association. “By the way, have you seen the claws on these things?”

Kittens are thought to have been accidentally brought to the Americas aboard Japanese sushi ships in the 1980s, quickly wiping out many native animal species. The small, furry creatures can now be found in nearly every region of the United States, often taxing the resources of local fire departments.

On a related note, many nursing home staffers across the country have started beating elderly residents with wooden batons in an effort to improve the oldsters’ bathroom habits, which many are describing as undignified.

“The only way to combat incontinence is through the use of brutal force,” says North American Nursing Home Alliance president Anna Monapia. “In other words, they just need a good whack.”

This new, harsher approach may have been inspired by the methods used against several protest groups throughout the United States in recent days. Facing a growing movement often referred to as Occupy Wall Street by the news media, various police departments have stepped up efforts to disperse the protestors. Such tactics involve the increasing use of pepper spray, which causes temporary burning of the eyes and throat, though concentrated amounts can result in serious injury.

Herman Gestapo, whose company, Stalinetix, has been consulting law enforcement on how to deal with the protestors, told the Anvil, “We only advise the use of pepper spray in extreme circumstances, such as when dealing with an 80-year-old or when people are peacefully sitting on the ground.”

When asked his thoughts on civil disobedience and non-violent protest, Gestapo says, “Show me a document that says we can’t pass a law against the right of people to peaceably assemble, and I’ll change my tune.”

Not so fast, says Pinky Middleton of Boston Massacre Party, a grassroots political organization that advocates for limited government.

“The government has no right to attack its citizens like this,” explains Middleton. “These tactics are just what you’d expect in a socialist society that has no interest in the voice of the individual.”

After being told that the targeted protesters were not speaking out against taxes and healthcare reform but, rather, were criticizing corporate greed, Middleton said, “Really? F*ck ‘em then.”

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Posted in Nation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments »

Obama in trouble for eating Cracker Jacks

Posted by oldancestor on October 4, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Classic snack... or yet another attempt by the black power elite to oppress the white man?

WASHINGTON DC – President Obama drew criticism from conservatives today when it was revealed that he had eaten the popular anti-Caucasian snack “Cracker Jacks” as recently as 1997. Several Republican presidential candidates were quick to pounce on the alleged racist act.

“I think it’s appalling that, in this day and age, a public figure can act like we’re still living in the 19th century,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry from his family’s hunting ranch, Niggerhead. “It’s hypocrisy.”

Fellow candidate, Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann, appeared to agree. “It’s the typical hip-hop we’ve come to expect from this President. President Obama is a hip-hop artist.”

When asked what he thought of the President’s apparent act of white-bashing, GOP presidential hopeful Chris Christie said, “For the hundredth f***ing time, I’m not running for president,” further fueling media speculation that the New Jersey governor was about to jump into the race.

Obama, who is black, has not issued a statement on the controversy, but Vice President Joe Biden was willing to go on the record as saying he was tired of race baiting from the right.

“Look, folks, the President isn’t a racist,” Biden said on MSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Matthews this afternoon. “He just likes the little prize on the bottom. Nothing wrong with that.”

Biden said he also eats Cracker Jacks, often pretending he’s Godzilla and that the popcorn pieces are “little white people’s deformed heads.”

Cracker Jacks, which consist of popcorn, peanuts, caramel, and African-American rage, were invented and marketed by the Black Panthers in the early ‘70s in the hopes of funding a race war that would overthrow whitey, according to conservative pundit Glenn Beck.

On his Web show, GBTV, Beck said, “These things were originally supposed to be called, ‘Rise Up and Kill Honky Puffs,’ but it wouldn’t fit on the box.”

Other racist foods include white chocolate, Oreos, and chicken eggs, which come in white and brown.

“I picture white and black people cracking those eggs on the sides of mixing bowls in anger,” said Beck, wiping tears away with his sleeve. “It’s like a little race war, right there on your kitchen counter. I wish we could move past the hatred.”

Phone messages left at the White House requesting information on the President’s egg color preference were not returned.

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Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 27 Comments »

7 Common Resume Mistakes

Posted by oldancestor on September 5, 2011

By Robotman

In an effort to cut costs, The Anvil is asking our readers to draw their own picture today

We all know the job market is tough right now. So what can employment seekers do to improve their chances of getting hired? Well, they can start by avoiding some common resume mistakes that will sink their candidacy before it ever sets sail. They should also eliminate corny or bad metaphors in their writing, though that’s a different post. Tangents that go nowhere are not recommended either.

So what are these resume mistakes, you ask? The Anvil spoke to some leading HR professionals to get the inside story:

Mistake # 6 – Numbering your lists incorrectly

“If you promise a list with seven things on it, there should be seven things,” says Brenda Shinbone-Pepperpaste, a human resources consultant with Everything But Human Resources Consulting International, a phony offshore company. On the other hand, she adds, “no one really puts lists on a resume, so forget that I said it.”

Mistake # 5 – Boasting about all the murders you did

You may be a self-employed serial killer who has managed to strangle and hide the bodies of over 20 prostitutes without getting caught. So bragging about it on a resume makes you look ambitious and inventive, right?

Wrong.

“You don’t want hiring managers to think ‘manual labor’ when they see your skill sets,” says Dan Walkingstick, a staffing expert with Omaha International Train Station. “I suggest that people try to get others to do the killing for them. We’re looking for leadership skills.”

Mistake # 4 – Writing your resume with spray paint on the side of a building

It’s a bitch to get that puppy into an email, says Walkingstick. “Most employers use the internet for job stuff now.”

Mistake # 3 – Leaving a dead bird on the hiring manager’s windowsill

“It’s best to stick with a digital-document resume,” explains Shinbone-Pepperpaste. “We know a lot more about germs these days.”

Indeed, popular job-search website monster.com stopped offering dead bird delivery services in 1765 and rival Careerbuilder.com followed suit shortly afterward in 1818, following the birth of Emily Brontë.

Mistake # 2 – Not proofreeding

“Typos will send your resume straight into the recycling bin,” says notorious mass murderer Henry Wayne Ipswich.

He also adds, “Your hair looks pretty. Can I touch it?”

Mistake # 1 – Sending out resumes

There aren’t actually any jobs. Wouldn’t you rather be at the beach anyway?

Don’t miss our other amazing lists, including:

The 5 numbers most likely to come before six

The 11 most ill-behaved celebrity chinchillas

The 6 most common things no one has ever said before

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Posted in Health and Living | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments »

S&P makes A THIRD downgrade!

Posted by oldancestor on August 8, 2011

By Robotman

 

 

Montague Poor, militant poop thrower

NEW YORK – Shadowy militant organization Standard & Poor’s, which just days ago reduced the United States’ credit rating from AAA to Less Than AAA, has struck again. The target this time: The sneeze.

A representative from S&P announced earlier today that the sneeze was being downgraded from a religious experience to a biological function.  Reading from a prepared statement, the spokesperson said, “It has been determined that the soul does not, in fact, leave the body during a sneeze. The sneeze is no more significant than the cough or the hiccup. We are advising people to stop saying, ‘God bless you,’ after someone sneezes. It’s stupid and a waste of time.”

Indeed, most economists agree that, in the United States alone, office employees who stop to bless sneezing co-workers cost more in lost productivity every year than pornography and death. The tradition also causes a backlog in America’s court system, with atheists regularly suing their employers for allegedly permitting hostile work environments.

Many religious groups, on the other hand, are calling the S&P downgrade, “another volley in the War on Christmas.”

Creationism advocacy group Y6K (Yes, the Earth is 6000 Thousand Years Old) issued a statement today claiming, in part, “Our scientists, all graduates of Y6K University, which is fully accredited by the Y6K Accreditation Society, have proven that Satan tickles your nose with a feather just before you sneeze. Only by saying, ‘God bless you,’ is the soul returned to the nostrils and saved from an eternity in the fires of Hell.”

Marcus Bachmann, Y6K’s president and husband of GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann, was busy trolling gay bars in disguise and could not be reached for comment.

Standard and Poor’s is no stranger to controversy. Last October, the organization’s co-founder, Montague Poor (pictured above), was arrested for throwing feces at competitor Dow Jones, who was exiting a nightclub in the SoHo section of New York City. The charges were dropped when a judge ruled that feces throwing, while disgusting, is not illegal.

Two months later, S&P found itself in the news again when it downgraded your sister from “skank” to “fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down,” their lowest rating.

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Posted in Business | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments »

Newsflash: Nothing Happened Today

Posted by oldancestor on July 11, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

The Sun and daytime... is there a connection?

EVERYWHERE – News organizations around the world were left scrambling for a headline yesterday when nothing happened. It is believed to be the first event-free day since March 13th, 1845, when James Polk was president and the 51st anniversary of the cotton gin was still 24 hours away.

White House insiders speaking on condition of anonymity revealed that President Obama participated in a series of mundane meetings throughout the day, further frustrating online news editors desperate for scandal-driven clicks.

“My editor wanted me to write an article called ‘Humans continue to breath recycled air, despite the dangers,’ or one called ‘Sun STILL refuses to come out at night,’ which were bloody stupid ideas,” says militant fake news journalist Angry Pink Bunny. “I was going to stab him in the neck with an ice pick, you know, for something to write about, but he was at lunch.”

Not everyone agrees that yesterday was lacking in newsworthiness. Pinky Middleton, former president of the now-defunct Hair Club for Snakes, says, “The fact that nothing happened is something. It’s a philosophy thing. That’s like saying outer space is empty. No, it’s full of space.”

NASA spokesperson Jane Whatnow challenges Middleton’s assertion by claiming that the agency “looked at outer space with a really expensive telescope and found out that it’s actually full of Leprechaun cars.”

She cites the dearth of such vehicles on Earth as further evidence that space is not empty. “All those little greens cars went somewhere. Logic much?”

With the idiotic ramblings of a hairy-snake fetishist considered by many to be unworthy of quotation in a news article, it seems as if journalists will have to wait until tomorrow for a printable story. That’s when Elvis Presley is scheduled to descend from the heavens in a flaming gold space chariot and end all war, disease, famine, and mosquito bites for the next 5000 years. He will also be announcing the release of yet another greatest hits album with the same songs that are on all the others.

 

The Second Coming of Elvis or 5000-Year Reign of Terror? Find out tomorrow.

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Dearest darling Anvil readers.
Please check out my new Pure Film Creative post where I obsess about DEATH,
continue to dazzle you with my knowledge of art,
and prattle on about the usual stuff: Lindsay Lohan, zombies, and attemtped murder
Click here to be enlightened.
!
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Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 42 Comments »