Transmissions from the alternate universe

Zooey Deschanel Found in Fake News Story

Posted by oldancestor on January 20, 2012

By Lacy Thundercake



Wanna make purple?


LOS ANGELES – Actress Zooey Deschanel, who is set to play herself in the upcoming Zooey Deschanel biopic, Zooey Deschanel’s Existential Solution, found herself on the front page of the popular fake news journal The Anvil today in what some experts are calling a blatant attempt by the satirical news media to draw clicks from unsuspecting Deschanel fans.

“It’s particularly appalling to bandy about Zooey Deschanel’s name in a fake news story,” says media analyst and International Blindfolded Dart Throwing Federation champion Sir Edmund Bollocks. “A good fake news story uses satire to mock the caprices and eccentricities of modern society. What has Ms. Deschanel done that is both topical and begging for criticism? Nothing. Shouldn’t we be skewering the current political process instead?”

He also said, “Did you notice how many times the article uses her name in an underhanded effort to manipulate search engines? It’s Zooey Deschanel this and Zooey Deschanel that. I bite my thumb at any villain who sullies Ms. Deschanel’s good name in this way!”

Deschanel is believed by many to be overly adorable.

In an odd twist, The Anvil also mentioned obscure 1970s Italian movie director Sergio Martino in the same article, though the retired filmmaker has no known connection to Deschanel. Martino’s 1972 film, Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key bears a name so unwieldy that scientists say it is statistically impossible someone would type it into an internet search box.

The strange, contradictory move has some experts questioning The Anvil’s motives

You thought I was making it up, didn't you?

“I’ve never heard of Sergio Martino,” says Bollocks, “but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s part of an Italian film syndicate that’s in cahoots with a fake news industry bent on promoting films with horribly unmarketable names. Don’t be shocked when you see the name ‘Sergio Martino’ appear in the article several times.”


Bollocks adds, “Sergio Martino this, Sergio Martino that.  It’s just the kind of crass act you’ll find being perpetrated by these so-called satirists.”

When reached for comment on the fast-exploding scandal, Deschanel said, “I’m cute!”


Editorial note: I’m sorry today’s story is so weird. I write what the toaster oven tells me to write.


3 Responses to “Zooey Deschanel Found in Fake News Story”

  1. OK! I am incredibly PISSED! Why do you no longer show up in my e-mail inbox? Is it anger and pissiness from you because I has been commenting so little? Have you given up posting news because of my lack of comments? I knew I was important to you, but that would seem patently ridiculous if not for the fact that I, like Zooey Deschanel, am cute and adorable, and essential to your progress through each day.

    I feel it is imperative that I tell you that Sergio Martino is my very favorite film director, and someone who has been robbed, time and time again, of a Golden Globe and/or Oscar. His wonderful, frightening and disturbing film, “Il tuo vizio è una stanza chiusa e solo io ne ho la chiave,” is a masterpiece of masterly direction. He was hampered only by unknown crap actors, who nevertheless, with his superb direction, managed to pull off almost convincing performances Others of his films are also masterpieces of understated awfulness brilliance in direction and concept: “The Mountain of the Cannibal God,”Carabinieri,” “2019:After the Fall of New York,” (which is, oddly enough a romance about the winter that followed the autumn season in NYC.), and last year he produced and directed a lovely self-serving documentary on his style of film-making, called “The Art and Arteries of the GIallo.” (Whatever that is. Actually, Giallo is the art, design and even clichés of the Italian giallo film genre, and the documentary discusses what makes it aesthetically unique (blessedly unique).

    Do I sound conflicted in my estimation of Sergio Martino? You be the judge.

    Find out why I no longer receive The Anvil – and don’t tell me it’s because you haven’t posted any fake news since January 20, 2012. . .

    • You are indeed know as “The First Zooey Deschanel” and are thought of as being even more adorable, if that is possible.

      Moreover, your take on the films are Sergio Martino is worthy of placement in Cigar Aficionado magazine. You are not only adorable, you are a true film historian and model train collector.

      I apologize for my slacking off in writing Anvil stories. Barring any unforseen disasters, I shall post something before this month is in the history books.

      Thank you for your concern over my well-being.

  2. Iklan baris

    Zooey Deschanel Found in Fake News Story « THE ANVIL

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