Transmissions from the alternate universe

Colonel Klink surges past Gingrich in GOP poll

Posted by oldancestor on December 18, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake


Colonel Klink promises free colorectal exams for all

Des Moines, IA – GOP presidential hopeful Colonel Klink has topped our most recent election poll, largely on the strength of his nein, nein, nein tax plan, which, roughly translated, means, “No, no, no” new taxes. He led Newt Gingrich 22 percent to 18 percent in the survey of likely Republican voters conducted yesterday.


Klink was campaigning in Des Moines last night, where he told supporters he stands for “freedom, accountability, and competence in government.” He also said that if he does not win the upcoming Iowa caucuses, he has a panzer tank division standing by to take the state by force. 


Fellow GOP candidate Gingrich, in trying to fend off attacks from his rival, got himself into trouble Friday by comparing Klink’s campaign ads to Nazi propaganda and by referring to Klink himself as “Herr Commandant.”


When asked for a response to Gingrich’s comments, Klink said, “It’s pretty bad taste to imply someone is a Nazi. You just don’t do it. I assume he was joking, but there’s nothing funny about that period in history.”


He added, “For example, imagine if someone produced a TV sitcom set in a German prison camp in World War II. There’s no way that would be funny.”


Klink has thus far managed to avoid the scandals and controversies that have dogged other candidates and, in Herman Cain’s case, forced a withdrawal from the race. Despite having been born in Germany and, thus, being ineligible for the presidency, Klink has not faced any challenges from the so-called “birther” movement.


When The Anvil contacted the local chapter of the Flat-Birth Society to find out why they have not demanded that Klink’s birth records be made public, as they did with President Obama, the office’s spokesman Pinky Middleton said, “Because he’s white.”


Klink said he will no longer answer questions unrelated to domestic and foreign policy and referred all such inquiries to his campaign staff. In response to questions about Klink’s place of birth, opinions on TV sitcoms, and secret Nazi past, the candidate’s spokesman Sergeant Schultz told reporters today, “I know nothing. NOTHING!”  


19 Responses to “Colonel Klink surges past Gingrich in GOP poll”

  1. The Hook said

    I’d vote for Klink!

  2. Woman said

    Klink klink klink give us the klink!!!

  3. ftfagos said

    i know nothing!

  4. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    I’m supporting Mr. Harry the Monster. He was raise by a good family, the Hendersons, and he knows what it’s like to see the trees through the forest. Also, he’s very liberal and supports PETA. I VOTE HARRY!

  5. nein nein nein neu taxes……Das war meine lieblingSSerie!

    This was funny..very funny….now write more..schnell..schnell..schnell…

  6. Are you making fun of monacles in general? Or just evil German men who never take them off, except for one reason–to have swift, vigorous,lusty, and efficent German sex?

  7. There has evidently been a Neo-Nazi conspiracy going on – conspiratorially conspiring with the US Internet Postal system. Until I received this issue of The Anvil, I had been without any issues for some time. I will have to assume that the person who runs the circulation department of The Asheville Citizen-Times was fired, and you made the mistake of hiring him on. We have subscribed to the AT-C four times so far. We have yet to receive a single issue. Same situation with The Anvil. It all sounds Nazi-esque to me. I mean, didn’t they burn books? Didn’t they smash up newspaper offices? Didn’t they deprive poor news-starved souls like I of their main source of hard-hitting, investigative journalism, and other true lies?

    Dear Mr. Anvil Editor: Fire your entire circulation department. Hire an ultra-conservative republican – they are the best at circulating fake news. . .

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