Transmissions from the alternate universe

Firefighters to begin pepper spraying kittens

Posted by oldancestor on November 20, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake


Living the Thug Life

WASHINGTON DC – Fire department officials across the United States have begun advising their field personnel to use pepper spray against unruly kittens. The tactic has proven to be effective when dealing with the uncooperative felines, whose increasing refusal to be coaxed out of trees has reached epidemic proportions, some experts say.

“To keep our trees safe from these destructive pests, a more aggressive approach has been deemed necessary,” said Dante Alighieri, a spokesperson for the National Firefighter’s Association. “By the way, have you seen the claws on these things?”

Kittens are thought to have been accidentally brought to the Americas aboard Japanese sushi ships in the 1980s, quickly wiping out many native animal species. The small, furry creatures can now be found in nearly every region of the United States, often taxing the resources of local fire departments.

On a related note, many nursing home staffers across the country have started beating elderly residents with wooden batons in an effort to improve the oldsters’ bathroom habits, which many are describing as undignified.

“The only way to combat incontinence is through the use of brutal force,” says North American Nursing Home Alliance president Anna Monapia. “In other words, they just need a good whack.”

This new, harsher approach may have been inspired by the methods used against several protest groups throughout the United States in recent days. Facing a growing movement often referred to as Occupy Wall Street by the news media, various police departments have stepped up efforts to disperse the protestors. Such tactics involve the increasing use of pepper spray, which causes temporary burning of the eyes and throat, though concentrated amounts can result in serious injury.

Herman Gestapo, whose company, Stalinetix, has been consulting law enforcement on how to deal with the protestors, told the Anvil, “We only advise the use of pepper spray in extreme circumstances, such as when dealing with an 80-year-old or when people are peacefully sitting on the ground.”

When asked his thoughts on civil disobedience and non-violent protest, Gestapo says, “Show me a document that says we can’t pass a law against the right of people to peaceably assemble, and I’ll change my tune.”

Not so fast, says Pinky Middleton of Boston Massacre Party, a grassroots political organization that advocates for limited government.

“The government has no right to attack its citizens like this,” explains Middleton. “These tactics are just what you’d expect in a socialist society that has no interest in the voice of the individual.”

After being told that the targeted protesters were not speaking out against taxes and healthcare reform but, rather, were criticizing corporate greed, Middleton said, “Really? F*ck ‘em then.”


31 Responses to “Firefighters to begin pepper spraying kittens”

  1. OH. . . MY. . .GOD. . .!!!! A post in The Anvil! Where have you been? My Anvil newspaper box has been empty for so long, I thought perhaps you had gone bankrupt. And, you have to post it on a day/weekend/month/year (take your pick) when I’m basically incapacitated in body and mind, so I can’t be my usual witty self. But, just you wait, ‘enry ‘iggins, just you wait. I’ll be back in form soon, and I’ll give you the sort of comments you deserve. . .

  2. That headline cracked me up, thank you for the good laugh. I needed it. I’m allergic to those furball containers, cute as they may be, they make me sneeze *goes to look for her pepper spray*

    • Be careful… word on the street is that pepper spray isn’t great for the sinuses either. Hopefully, you’re not like Mrs. OA, whose eyes swell shut when she gets within 10 feet (or about 3 meters, if you prefer) of a kitty cat.

  3. Anna Monapia………priceless.

    And the hits just keep on coming……well, they better be……

  4. This is absolute genius. How do you even think up a story like this? This was fan-incredi-awsome-tastic The picture made it all come together.
    It is good to see Pinky Middleton back.

    When it comes to funny bones, I must say you have a big one.

    • Thank you, Hanson, for the kind words, but all the compliments in the world are not going to change my mind. For the last time: No, you may not bury your ex-wife’s body in my back yard. Remember what happened last time, with the township surveyor? I had to do some fast talking to keep that from turning into an incident. Maybe you should be asking yourself, “Why won’t she stay dead?”

      As for the picture, I painted it with an elephant tusk while wearing a blindfold, taking direction from a Romanian gypsy woman who was recently bitten by a werewolf. I think it came out all right, considering.


    If I go down, I am taking you to prison with me. And remember you are the prettier one.

  6. about time!
    down with kittiess!!! =D

  7. The Hook said

    That pic is too cute! ASeriously, I’m in pain right now!

  8. Anonymous said

    Eric, I agree with Hook, I came back this morning just to look at the cat. I don’t think that you can lose with animal picture appeals. Marketing studies show that men have a special appeal for dogs. I don’t know why but dogs are in a lot of rugged truck commercials. (Not that women don’t like dogs, or mud hogging in trucks either)

    p.s. Desultory remark. If you used profanity in your articles or maybe another cut animal picture I would actually read your posts and not just look at the pictures.

    • Anonymous said

      ps. ps. I deserve any derision for typos or “men’ appealing to dogs rather than dogs appealing to men. No coffee, no high school. What can I say.

      • I never drink high school after 4 in the afternoon, or else I can’t sleep.

        So, more profanity, more cute animals, more canine marketing firms that try to determne why dogs like men. Put in a blender, increase readership.

        Thank you!

  9. Anonymous said

    I love this article still.
    If it strikes you as worthwhile, I think something about push lawn mower would be a funny post.

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