Firefighters to begin pepper spraying kittens
Posted by oldancestor on November 20, 2011
By Lacy Thundercake
WASHINGTON DC – Fire department officials across the United States have begun advising their field personnel to use pepper spray against unruly kittens. The tactic has proven to be effective when dealing with the uncooperative felines, whose increasing refusal to be coaxed out of trees has reached epidemic proportions, some experts say.
“To keep our trees safe from these destructive pests, a more aggressive approach has been deemed necessary,” said Dante Alighieri, a spokesperson for the National Firefighter’s Association. “By the way, have you seen the claws on these things?”
Kittens are thought to have been accidentally brought to the Americas aboard Japanese sushi ships in the 1980s, quickly wiping out many native animal species. The small, furry creatures can now be found in nearly every region of the United States, often taxing the resources of local fire departments.
On a related note, many nursing home staffers across the country have started beating elderly residents with wooden batons in an effort to improve the oldsters’ bathroom habits, which many are describing as undignified.
“The only way to combat incontinence is through the use of brutal force,” says North American Nursing Home Alliance president Anna Monapia. “In other words, they just need a good whack.”
This new, harsher approach may have been inspired by the methods used against several protest groups throughout the United States in recent days. Facing a growing movement often referred to as Occupy Wall Street by the news media, various police departments have stepped up efforts to disperse the protestors. Such tactics involve the increasing use of pepper spray, which causes temporary burning of the eyes and throat, though concentrated amounts can result in serious injury.
Herman Gestapo, whose company, Stalinetix, has been consulting law enforcement on how to deal with the protestors, told the Anvil, “We only advise the use of pepper spray in extreme circumstances, such as when dealing with an 80-year-old or when people are peacefully sitting on the ground.”
When asked his thoughts on civil disobedience and non-violent protest, Gestapo says, “Show me a document that says we can’t pass a law against the right of people to peaceably assemble, and I’ll change my tune.”
Not so fast, says Pinky Middleton of Boston Massacre Party, a grassroots political organization that advocates for limited government.
“The government has no right to attack its citizens like this,” explains Middleton. “These tactics are just what you’d expect in a socialist society that has no interest in the voice of the individual.”
After being told that the targeted protesters were not speaking out against taxes and healthcare reform but, rather, were criticizing corporate greed, Middleton said, “Really? F*ck ‘em then.”