Transmissions from the alternate universe

7 Common Resume Mistakes

Posted by oldancestor on September 5, 2011

By Robotman

In an effort to cut costs, The Anvil is asking our readers to draw their own picture today

We all know the job market is tough right now. So what can employment seekers do to improve their chances of getting hired? Well, they can start by avoiding some common resume mistakes that will sink their candidacy before it ever sets sail. They should also eliminate corny or bad metaphors in their writing, though that’s a different post. Tangents that go nowhere are not recommended either.

So what are these resume mistakes, you ask? The Anvil spoke to some leading HR professionals to get the inside story:

Mistake # 6 – Numbering your lists incorrectly

“If you promise a list with seven things on it, there should be seven things,” says Brenda Shinbone-Pepperpaste, a human resources consultant with Everything But Human Resources Consulting International, a phony offshore company. On the other hand, she adds, “no one really puts lists on a resume, so forget that I said it.”

Mistake # 5 – Boasting about all the murders you did

You may be a self-employed serial killer who has managed to strangle and hide the bodies of over 20 prostitutes without getting caught. So bragging about it on a resume makes you look ambitious and inventive, right?


“You don’t want hiring managers to think ‘manual labor’ when they see your skill sets,” says Dan Walkingstick, a staffing expert with Omaha International Train Station. “I suggest that people try to get others to do the killing for them. We’re looking for leadership skills.”

Mistake # 4 – Writing your resume with spray paint on the side of a building

It’s a bitch to get that puppy into an email, says Walkingstick. “Most employers use the internet for job stuff now.”

Mistake # 3 – Leaving a dead bird on the hiring manager’s windowsill

“It’s best to stick with a digital-document resume,” explains Shinbone-Pepperpaste. “We know a lot more about germs these days.”

Indeed, popular job-search website stopped offering dead bird delivery services in 1765 and rival followed suit shortly afterward in 1818, following the birth of Emily Brontë.

Mistake # 2 – Not proofreeding

“Typos will send your resume straight into the recycling bin,” says notorious mass murderer Henry Wayne Ipswich.

He also adds, “Your hair looks pretty. Can I touch it?”

Mistake # 1 – Sending out resumes

There aren’t actually any jobs. Wouldn’t you rather be at the beach anyway?

Don’t miss our other amazing lists, including:

The 5 numbers most likely to come before six

The 11 most ill-behaved celebrity chinchillas

The 6 most common things no one has ever said before


35 Responses to “7 Common Resume Mistakes”

  1. nrhatch said

    Good list . . . although I expect that the people who most need to read it don’t know how to read. 😀

  2. Are you getting funnier or have I been away too long?
    I love your creative names for people i.e. Brenda Shinbone-Pepperpaste.
    I would like to see all of your classic characters from the past end up together in a commemorative fake news event. Pinky Middleton cannot be overstated. And who tore up the Dawkin’s DNA for Dummies Book, in Gatorbag Florida, was it Reverend Crunky?. Surely Fate could have them all stumble across each others paths in some way involving eros or thantos.

  3. I can’t wait for the follow up on 9 common interview mistakes

    especially don’t forget to ask for souvenirs

    and don’t beleive them when they say they don’t have any

    there’s pens and all kinds of stuff on their desk

  4. Maria Z said

    Hahahahahah awesome! This really would come in handy for plenty of job-seekers out there-you’ve mentioned things, they are sure to forget while writing their resumes.
    I am totally working on achieving No. 5!

  5. Jobs East Texas…

    […]7 Common Resume Mistakes « THE ANVIL[…]…

  6. The Hook said

    Mistake # 1 – Sending out resumes

    There aren’t actually any jobs. Wouldn’t you rather be at the beach anyway?

    Well said!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: