Transmissions from the alternate universe

S&P makes A THIRD downgrade!

Posted by oldancestor on August 8, 2011

By Robotman



Montague Poor, militant poop thrower

NEW YORK – Shadowy militant organization Standard & Poor’s, which just days ago reduced the United States’ credit rating from AAA to Less Than AAA, has struck again. The target this time: The sneeze.

A representative from S&P announced earlier today that the sneeze was being downgraded from a religious experience to a biological function.  Reading from a prepared statement, the spokesperson said, “It has been determined that the soul does not, in fact, leave the body during a sneeze. The sneeze is no more significant than the cough or the hiccup. We are advising people to stop saying, ‘God bless you,’ after someone sneezes. It’s stupid and a waste of time.”

Indeed, most economists agree that, in the United States alone, office employees who stop to bless sneezing co-workers cost more in lost productivity every year than pornography and death. The tradition also causes a backlog in America’s court system, with atheists regularly suing their employers for allegedly permitting hostile work environments.

Many religious groups, on the other hand, are calling the S&P downgrade, “another volley in the War on Christmas.”

Creationism advocacy group Y6K (Yes, the Earth is 6000 Thousand Years Old) issued a statement today claiming, in part, “Our scientists, all graduates of Y6K University, which is fully accredited by the Y6K Accreditation Society, have proven that Satan tickles your nose with a feather just before you sneeze. Only by saying, ‘God bless you,’ is the soul returned to the nostrils and saved from an eternity in the fires of Hell.”

Marcus Bachmann, Y6K’s president and husband of GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann, was busy trolling gay bars in disguise and could not be reached for comment.

Standard and Poor’s is no stranger to controversy. Last October, the organization’s co-founder, Montague Poor (pictured above), was arrested for throwing feces at competitor Dow Jones, who was exiting a nightclub in the SoHo section of New York City. The charges were dropped when a judge ruled that feces throwing, while disgusting, is not illegal.

Two months later, S&P found itself in the news again when it downgraded your sister from “skank” to “fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down,” their lowest rating.



15 Responses to “S&P makes A THIRD downgrade!”

  1. jeanie said

    who’s Robotman?

  2. nrhatch said

    OMG! This is too FUNNY! The caption alone is worth the price of admission!

    Welcome back from your summer “sabbatical.”

    BTW: Although “sabbatical” shares a common root with “sabbath,” it is not a religious experience either, according to Montague Poor.

    • Thanks. I’m not sure if my Bacchanalia (much more fun than anything Sabbath-related, unles we’re talking about Black Sabbath- the band OR the Mario Bava movie) is over. I just had this idea at work today and couldn’t not do it.

      Thanks for reading!


  4. […] 9.   Agrigirl’s Blog 10.  Random Thoughts From Midlife 11.  Woman Wielding Words  12.  The Anvil 13.  Sinister Echoes 14.  Maggie Writes 15.  Souldipper 16.  Mirth & Motivation 17.  Naomi […]

  5. jeanne said

    Before you know it they will try downgrading the NFL to the AFL or even worse to the CFL!

  6. I LOVE THIS. Good job.
    I had to wipe coke off of my monitor.
    🙂 Hoorah

  7. The Hook said

    Never trust a simian in a suit! I’ve seen Planet of the Apes!

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