Newsflash: Nothing Happened Today
Posted by oldancestor on July 11, 2011
By Lacy Thundercake
The Sun and daytime... is there a connection?
EVERYWHERE – News organizations around the world were left scrambling for a headline yesterday when nothing happened. It is believed to be the first event-free day since March 13th, 1845, when James Polk was president and the 51st anniversary of the cotton gin was still 24 hours away.
White House insiders speaking on condition of anonymity revealed that President Obama participated in a series of mundane meetings throughout the day, further frustrating online news editors desperate for scandal-driven clicks.
“My editor wanted me to write an article called ‘Humans continue to breath recycled air, despite the dangers,’ or one called ‘Sun STILL refuses to come out at night,’ which were bloody stupid ideas,” says militant fake news journalist Angry Pink Bunny. “I was going to stab him in the neck with an ice pick, you know, for something to write about, but he was at lunch.”
Not everyone agrees that yesterday was lacking in newsworthiness. Pinky Middleton, former president of the now-defunct Hair Club for Snakes, says, “The fact that nothing happened is something. It’s a philosophy thing. That’s like saying outer space is empty. No, it’s full of space.”
NASA spokesperson Jane Whatnow challenges Middleton’s assertion by claiming that the agency “looked at outer space with a really expensive telescope and found out that it’s actually full of Leprechaun cars.”
She cites the dearth of such vehicles on Earth as further evidence that space is not empty. “All those little greens cars went somewhere. Logic much?”
With the idiotic ramblings of a hairy-snake fetishist considered by many to be unworthy of quotation in a news article, it seems as if journalists will have to wait until tomorrow for a printable story. That’s when Elvis Presley is scheduled to descend from the heavens in a flaming gold space chariot and end all war, disease, famine, and mosquito bites for the next 5000 years. He will also be announcing the release of yet another greatest hits album with the same songs that are on all the others.
- The Second Coming of Elvis or 5000-Year Reign of Terror? Find out tomorrow.
***************************************************
THE ANVIL 
nrhatch said
This is the BEST post I’ve ever read about NOTHING. 😀
oldancestor said
That’s the best reply I’ve ever gotten following a post about nothing!
nrhatch said
Another post about nothing you might enjoy:
http://aardvarkian.com/2011/07/22/100-words-100-days-day-3-on-nothing/
oldancestor said
Next time I need and expert quote on Nothing, I’m calling James!
charlywalker said
I’m still reading & searching..there has to be something……..BTW, Where’s Waldo?
oldancestor said
Waldo tried to hide on the sun and was vaporized.
It’s how he would have wanted to “go.”
charlywalker said
I thought I spotted him in Elvis’ cuff bejeweled belt….
oldancestor said
That was Ralph Waldo Emerson. So close!
Paula Tohline Calhoun said
For some reason or other, my subscription to “The Anvil” has been suspended. I’ve been told it has elapsed because I have not paid fo it. I don’t know how they can say such a thing. I have the cancelled fake checks in my files. I was able to borrow back issues from our neighbor’s garbage pails, but much of the pages were rendered unreadable, due to the last drops from their “empty” beer bottles. (Licking it off left an odd taste in my mouth – possibly because the ink on the paper came off with the beer dregs and tongue-smearing.)
I’m commenting here on what I was able to read about nothing.. Maybe nothing happened on the day in question, but I believe you have missed out on the greatest story of the millenium,or is that the milennium, or perhaps milenium. But I digress. . . You might be interested in sending J. Whatnow to investigate this story. Part of a recent letter to the editor (Tilly Bud) is printed here for your information:
“The Trans-Oceanic Bridge (Atlantic project #1a) will have to be anchored on both sides. The EU is required to pay for at leasr half of it! Greece was one of the largest investors, but unfortunately most of that money was withdrawn. . .don’t know just why – something to do with the Olympics?
Anyway, for now the plans are tabled. The civil engineers and architects are squabbling over whether to make the rest stops large enough for motels or just parking lots so people can stop and enjoy the ocean views, and perhaps nap in their cars. A floating bridge was nixed from the very beginning – apparently the storms can get quite violent Icebergs could also present a problem, and the Titanic disaster is still fresh on the minds of many.) And there was some concern about whether it would be stable enough for the “Cooper Minis” or cyclists to ride on. (Plans are being made for a “bicycles only” lane to be constructed at a later date.) The US Coastguard has opted out. The bridge is not considered a coast by their definition.
Also, a huge argument has ensued over exactly where to switch the driving regulations from left side to right side driving. Some compromise was cnsidered. There was a proposal that a left-side bypass branch off to GB, while the main artery joined up with the English Channel bridge/tunnel.
There has been an argument between naturalists and industrial capitalists over whether the rest stops will include fishing piers or not. The franchise rights for renting fishing poles, and whale-landing gear could be quite profitable. McDonald’s and Burger King have expressed interest, although a number of fish and chips shops have also weighed in; however, even Japanese businesses are interested – sushi bars would certainly offer a wide variety of really fresh fish, but the cost of shipping the sticky rice might be prohibitive.
Perhaps the biggest road block has come from the political arena. Certain land-locked countries are demanding the super highway extend all the way to their own countries, but “no-fly” zones would have to be “no-drive” zones, which would sort of make the whole thing moot.
I’ll let you know as further bulletins are issued. I can’t figure out why you’ve never heard of this. Doesn’t the British press publish more than the latest royal scandals?
As a side note – the Hiltons are not interested. There wouldn’t be enough room for Paris to strut her stuff, and of course no red carpet to accommodate her needs.
For the latest news on the plans, “The Anvil” is planning a two-page spread on the project (at least I think so. I haven’t informed the editor about it yet).”
I expect your slant on this news story soon. . .
oldancestor said
I couldn’t have said it better. Mostly because my head was recently replaced with a Eureka Dust-Killer 5000 and it’s hard to say things.
Paula Tohline Calhoun said
Sorry – that doesn’t cut it. You would never hear The New York Times say to The Daily Post that they would not write a story because the other had already written it better!
Use that Eureka to suck the dust out of what’s left of your brain and get busy! Tilly is waiting! So am I. Besides, you don’t have to write it – how about dispatching Pinky or one of your other fine journalists?
oldancestor said
But you already wrote it!
Paula Tohline Calhoun said
But I don’t have Lacy’s looks, Pinky’s skills, or J. Whatnow’s mystery – all invaluable aids to writing a truly good story. Anyway, how do you know I’m not another Mike McAlary? Or the author of another “Million Little Pieces” like James Frey?? Huh? You just might be gypping yourself out of the greatest story of the millennium, or milennium, or the milenium, or the millenium. . .
oldancestor said
Mel Ehnium? Don’t know the guy.
charlywalker said
definitely not short on words.
oldancestor said
She types like lightning for someone with only one hand.
charlywalker said
stop it. lol
Hanson Anderson said
Paula I am sorry to butt in on this thread’s conversation between you and “what’s his name.” I wanted to say I really like your writing. I hope you don’t mind but I visited your blog via your Gravatar Link. It was splendorous literary mellifluous music to my ears. I like reading your work, and I also look up to that writer… that writer (what is his name, this guy in this thread-whatever- it doesn’t matter) , he is a very good writer too. He helps me a lot as an Editor who takes pity on me. He suffers me well.
Please pass the compliment on to that guy. It is kind of award for me to do it, Skin heads intimidate me.
🙂
oldancestor said
You are allowed to comment on her blog as well. She doesn’t bite. Anymore. at least not since we fixed her with one of those Hannibal Lecter masks.
charlywalker said
Is it Chianti happy hour with Fava bean appetizers?? oh boy…
oldancestor said
She was the inspiration for Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Paula Tohline Calhoun said
Dear me, Sir Hanson! You haven’t butted in at all, but then again I have frequently been told that I don’t know my butt from a hole in the ground, so maybe you have. Didn’t feel anything, though. (Why is it whenever I write a letter to the editor of The Anvil that I get a tad lewd? It is most unbecoming to this demure pastor’s wife.)
Your compliments on my blog and splendourous, mellifluous, music-to-your-ears writing are much appreciated. (BTW, the $5 is “in the mail,” as they say.) I do wish however, you would make such comments actually on MY blog, and not this reprobate’s! I need all the encouragement I can get from my readers! EB only needs help.
Don’t mistake my disparaging remarks about the sanity of what’s his name, as being maliciously directed toward his writing as well. He writes quite well, and has even been known to write a comment on my blog himself. Such kindness from loonies is seldom seen or experienced. But, seriously, I do worry about him sometimes. I mean, he should be overseeing the writing on the huge breaking news story on the construction of the Trans-Oceanic Bridge (Atlantic #1a), and here he is frittering his time away making inane comments to you and me and assorted others.
Now Sir, I have noticed that in replacing the mask after my dinner of rare lamb chops, the “guards” screwed it on a bit too tight. I’ll have to do something about this, but it wasn’t you who did it. . . was it. . .?
Note to EB: There is a gentleman by the name of Hunsen Ondersin (name changed to protect the innocent) who wishes me to inform you of his sincere respect for your writing. Though he is intimidated by your skinny head, he is nevertheless in awe of your talent. You will find his fan letter to you written on the toilet paper in the back 1/2 bath downstairs. . .
oldancestor said
I actually don’t know how to write. I just throw alphabet soup on the ground and type in whatever it says.
And My kindness stems from the lobotomy I received in 1979. Sadly, greedy insurance companies never pay for that procedure anymore.
charlywalker said
I use Words with Friends (App)ropriately enough….
Did you try UNsocialized medicine plan..?
oldancestor said
Do you get it from an UNsurance company?
charlywalker said
Dunno….they never return calls….must be their policy.
Hanson Anderson said
I give this article an A+ on its research merit alone.
“March 13th, 1845, when James Polk was president and the 51st anniversary of the cotton gin was still 24 hours away”.
I checked this out an it is precisely correct. And I know it was not “copied and pasted” as I Google’d the exact phrase. It required the additional use of those buttons a Casio calculator that I don’t know what the hell are for.
I respect researched writers. Good research is rarely done anymore.
oldancestor said
Why, Mr. Anderson, surely you don’t think I’d ever use someone else’s pasted text for a gag. Thanks for comfirming my brilliance, nonetheless. That may not have been the word you used, but I know you meant it.
Hanson Anderson said
Oh Good Lord no! I never intended to imply you would plagiarize. I’m sorry that was a horribly thrown together comment I hastily rattled off my keyboard. I never meant it “sound the way it did,”
You are about the only person on the planet other than my brother I was trust my top level password to. You already know that I look up to you Mr. Baker. Your only fault, is that when ever I email you a love letter – you edit and send it back to me for revision.
🙂
oldancestor said
Hahaha. That last line was The Funny.
Here’s how my brain works: I wanted to think of a time when nothing happened, and James Polk seems like the president most likely to be forgotten if a bunch of people tried to make a list of presidents without reference. Then I looked up his dates. I was going to make a joke about the 50th anniversary of the Cotton Gin, but Polk wasn’t elected until the following year. So I just made it the 51st anniversary, which is 10x funnier anyway, and then backed up a day, as if the world were waiting in silent anticipation of a huge party. The result = a typically weird Anvil joke.
charlywalker said
There is no need to explain yourself. Most your fans “get” your brain…..
charlywalker said
er….we I mean your pointy head.
oldancestor said
My father was a pencil!
charlywalker said
Erase my comment..
oldancestor said
My mom was a pen and I inherited a click top instead of an eraser.
charlywalker said
you made your (ball)point….
Jackie Paulson Author said
I did not quit, had to move took a month to pack and move and unpack. I miss stopping by here for my daily laugh. Don’t give up on me you crack me up!! ~ Jackie
oldancestor said
Hey, Jackie. I was just thinking yesterday that I hadn’t seen you around. Hope all is well!
nrhatch said
Where ARE you???
I want you to write about the conviction of Warren Jeffs:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/04/warren-jeffs-polygamist-leader-convicted_n_918915.html#s322872
Did the pedophile polygamist and prophet predict prosecution for penile prayer practices with pre-pubescent teens?
oldancestor said
I am on hiatus while I am treated for a malignant hangnail.
Thank you for your concern and suggestions. Old OA needs a mental break from fake news writing, but I hope to be back soon.
nrhatch said
OMG! I am so sorry to hear that.
I had no idea that your extended absence stemmed from a mental breakdown caused by a miscreant hangnail. I just assumed it was a summer hiatus.
Sending Taoist prayers your way.
Hurry back as soon as you get your chakras sorted out. 😀
The Hook said
Someone probably left the remote on “PAUSE”!