THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Michele Bachmann confesses to string of serial murders in 8 states

Posted by oldancestor on June 28, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Michele Bachmann

WASHINGTON DC – Minnesota congresswoman and GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann admitted to reporters today that she is the indeed the notorious serial killer “Tea Bag Tom,” who has been terrorizing residents of eight northern states for over two years. Earlier in the week, Bachmann confirmed she was recently possessed by the spirit of executed murderer John Wayne Gacy, which could be the motive behind the killing spree.

“I envision an America where personal responsibility means something,” Bachmann said just after her confession. “That’s why I’m calling on President Obama to step up and take personal responsibility for my murders.”

Since March of 2009, 20 bodies have been found across a region stretching from Montana to Illinois. Though no obvious signs of trauma were evident on the victims’ corpses, police say their faces were all frozen in a look of terror that could only be caused by hearing the phrase, “President Michele Bachmann.” Reporters began calling the then-unidentified killer “Tea Bag Tom” when all the letters on their keyboards besides a, b, e, g, m, o, and t stopped working.

“We also tried ‘A Gate Tomb’ and ‘Eat Mat Bog,’ but they just didn’t have that ‘serial killer’ ring to them,” says Pinky Middleton, an investigative reporter for the Fargo Atlantic Press in North Dakota. “Plus, the killer signed the bodies with ‘Tom was here’ and stuffed tea bags in the victims mouths, which made the decision a bit easier.”

Political pundits are divided on how the murder confession will affect Bachmann’s presidential ambitions. Sean Hannity of Fox News told his viewers today, “Who cares? The victims were all prostitutes and liberals, which is the same thing anyway. She was doing the world a favor.”

Indeed, Bachmann says, “I support freedom for all Americans who are Christian conservative white people. My so-called ‘victims’ were freedom thieves, darn it.”

Not everyone agrees that Bachmann will emerge with her election hopes intact. Keith Olbermann of Current TV, whose name also ends in ‘mann’ but starts with ‘Olber,’ told his viewer today, “I’d say she’ll burn in hell for this, but we liberals are all secretly atheists anyway, and we don’t believe in that shiznit.”

Controversial commentator Glenn Beck weighed in on the issue this evening by telling his radio listeners that Michele Bachmann is a great American. He also said President Obama is putting nano-bots into the nation’s water supply that will take over our minds and make us beat up old ladies while voting for bigger government. He also cried and advised his listeners to buy Glenn Beck brand filtered water, which is “99.9 percent nano-bot free.”  

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Hi there, Anvil readers. Words below the asterisk can only mean one thing: I’m hyping my new Pure Film Creative post entitled “The underage-sex reverse Richter scale.” In it I talk movies, art, and perversion. Artful nudity warning, but, unless you are super uptight, I doubt you’ll be offended. Click here for the story.

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19 Responses to “Michele Bachmann confesses to string of serial murders in 8 states”

  1. I lolled. Aka Congrats🙂

  2. nrhatch said

    The only way Lacy could have improved this post is by working Weiner’s wiener into it somehow . . . instead of the tea bags, perhaps? 😉

    • **gasps**

      You’ve reading too much PFC, Hatch! This is a family blog.

      Also, Lacy was one of the women on Weiner’s e-mail list, so she has been advised by her publisher not to give too much away too soon.

  3. I liked this. Good job! You are a literature fountain of bubbling creativity. How do you juggle 2 career blogging jobs–and still be a stay at home mom?

    p.s. And If I may be so bold, I really must say “Sir you have magnificent breasts.”

  4. Nrhatch took the letters right out of my keyboard….hats off!..

  5. I’m a little surprised that she’d let herself be photographed with such disorderly and fly away hair – that won’t help her knock Palin out of the tea bag sweetheart club

  6. The Hook said

    Politicians. serial killers, they’re in the same line of work – one group just kills the public slower than the other, that’s all!

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