THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

One-armed man singlehandedly de-feets shoe burglar

Posted by oldancestor on June 21, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

 

 

Wanted: sole mate

BOISE, ID – Bloodshed, mayhem, and violence were chosen in our newsroom today as the three words we most wished we could use at the beginning of this story.

In other news, Boise’s notorious shoe burglar has been apprehended following a six-month manhunt involving a 600-person task force that included Idaho state police, the FBI, the CIA, Nancy Drew, and mall security. But despite the efforts of authorities and the hundreds of millions of dollars spent on the investigation, it took the sharp eye and quick thinking of a local one-armed shoe-lace-tying instructor to bring the criminal to justice.

Ravi Patel, who was teaching double knots to staff members at Foot Locker in the Boise Commons shopping mall, said he was in the middle of his presentation when he noticed something suspicious.

“This guy in a hooded sweatshirt was poking around the display,” says Patel, “and I noticed he had two left legs with what I guesstimated were size 11 feet at the bottom. I knew the shoe burglar only stole size 11 left shoes. I just put two and two together.”

 

Ravi Patel

After the burglar swiped an orange Reebok Zigtech and fled, Patel sprang into action. Witnesses say the brave instructor chased down the thug, tackled him, and, in an act of violence unsuitable for a PG-13 news journal like The Anvil, chopped off the baddie’s right left foot with a Mongolian battleaxe keychain.

“I hope he understands that stealing shoes is wrong and decides to mend his ways,” said Patel of the still-unidentified  burglar, who bled to death at the scene.

So does he feel like a hero for singlehandedly bringing down the state’s most wanted criminal?

“Meh,” said the instructor, who lost his left arm in a TV-watching accident ten years ago, “I do everything singlehandedly.”

Patel was later charged with murder and with possession of an illegal Mongolian battleaxe keychain.

 

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 Hi there, friends! My new PFC story, A Haunting in New Jersey, features a real life ghost, a glimpse into my rock and roll past, and lots of pretty people (clothed). Read it here!

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28 Responses to “One-armed man singlehandedly de-feets shoe burglar”

  1. nrhatch said

    A few pertinent and relevant comments to this fine post:

    1. As soon as I saw that a new posting had been made on The Anvil . . . I rushed over! This entailed pushing other (more patient) posts farther down the queue. (Sorry Guys!)

    2. When I saw the words “Bloodshed, Mayhem, and Violence” . . . I knew I’d made the right choice!

    3. Including Nancy Drew in the cast of characters . . . brilliant!

    4. I did find the idea of a one-armed knot tying instructor to be a bit unlikely. Then I remember seeing people tying cherry stems into knots with their tongues. If they can do that . . . then Ravi can do this!

    5. Two left feet . . . clumsy, but brilliant!

    6. Losing an arm in a TV-watching accident . . . bizarre and brilliant!

    7. I’ve run out of exclamation points, so I must stop here.

    • Thank you for your observations and compliments. I thought of you when I added Nancy Drew to the task force. And sorry for not posting or being around much lately. Not a lot of down time these days.

  2. I do everything singlehandedly. Very funny.

  3. Is the right, left leg, of a two left-legged person, technically a “right” leg. It seems more like the groin-leg of a two-left-legged man. I would like to site the case of New Jersey vs. “Two left-legs” Pinkerton. A classic civil rights case about the philosophical epistemology in regards to whether either of a bi-left legged appendage double walking device pair, indeed has any rights under the New Jersey State Constitution — at all. Left-legs civil rights, such as freedom of speech while walking, carrying a hand gun between the two left-legs, or both taking turns, kicking a King of England in the ass.
    As you know the defendants (the left groin leg, and its even more-left leg partner)both testified that they had never actually been known to vote for the right in voting for anything.
    Hence in the ruling, (see Section 78:90.1) New Jersey ruled against the left legs. Thereby, tacitly setting a sentiment against same sided leg partners as being of the same side. As you know (as you are obviously a flaming homosexual) This tantamount “green light” for conservative Tea Party Agenda (pro right legged radicals) to ratify a bill -which lead to the first state law in New Jersey regarding “two left legs together.” The law was upheld, in denying that two left legs could not be married, and walk down the marital isle together.
    So I don’t think you have any legal right to call a left groin leg, of a bi-left-leg couple — a “right leg.”
    Viz a separate sided, walking appendage of a bilaterally symmetrical , pair of opposite sided legs. Those two left legged jeans — need to be put back in the closet.

    I think the Bible backs me up on this one.

    Also 1 shoe? Have you ever seen two same-side lovers fight over the last shoe at a shoe sale? It’s not pretty.
    I am off to bed now, to lay with a hard-bodied man. Who will sleep on the “right” side of the bed. So don’t even go there. 🙂

  4. He’s baaack!………after a long leave of absence in poetry land….

    Very Funny!

  5. BTW..Lincoln sure does resemble the Neanderthal guy from the last post……..did you clear the copy right?

  6. Ahh, I love news satire. I’ve tried dabbling into it myself but I’m definitely not as clever as you!

  7. To The Anvil Blog subscription department:

    I am fed up by this blog’s shocking tendency to unreasonably twist and misrepresent news events. I find its information to be more specious than FOX News.
    I wish to terminate my blog subscription, but I was made to sign a damn lease by Eric J. Baker for 24 months of blog posts, and I want to know how much it is going to cost to get out of this garbage dumpster of festering lies.

    Regards, “Screwed”

  8. The Hook said

    Great news flash, my friend!

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