THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Vegetarian recipes for Memorial Day

Posted by oldancestor on May 23, 2011

By Robotman

 

Imported Japanese cutlery has revolutionized cannibalism (art by Mark Armstrong © 2011)

After two years living amongst the tribes of the Amazon rainforest, I return to civilization, as we call it, to share a few delicious vegetarian recipes with you. I picked these up from the Otrebmu, a small group of cannibals in northwest Brazil.

Vegetarian meat is quite versatile, as it is very tender – one might even say “compassionate” – and flavorful. Be careful when selecting your cut to determine if it’s from a grain-fed human or one who was raised on dairy products, as the latter can have a slightly gamey scent.

The most popular traditional recipe in the mangrove swamps around the Amazon River’s many tributaries is called “ruggero deodato” by the locals, or Boiled Human la Viande.

Prep time: 25 minutes

Cook time: 1 to 2 hours

Ingredients

50 chopped carrots

50 chopped celery stalks

One 60-gallon iron pot, filled with broth

Fire

One human, vegetarian

 

Directions

 

1. Heat water to 95 degrees

2. Place human in water

3. Boil until the human stops screaming

4. Simmer for 45 minutes.  For al dente, remove after 30 minutes.

5. Season to taste.

 

Serves 30.

~ ~ ~

Ok, that was an easy one. Tomorrow, I’ll teach you a fabulous barbeque recipe that involves eviscerating a live human and shoving hot coals into its thoracic cavity, with detailed illustrations! Mmmm. I’ll also show you what to do with the giblets.*

Bon appétit!  

* Laws about cannibalism vary from state to state. We suggest you check with local culinary enforcement officials before killing and eating a person, vegetarian or otherwise.

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Today’s totally original and brilliant illustration brought to you by the lovely and talented Mark Armstrong. Check out more of Mark’s artwork on his Web site.

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53 Responses to “Vegetarian recipes for Memorial Day”

  1. Hey OA! I was thinking of inviting Nancy for dinner! She’s my favorite vegetarian. I would be delighted if you and your significant other(s) would join us! If you want to come early, go ahead and bring along some recipe ideas, as there are bound to be leftovers.

    I’ll tell Nancy she doesn’t have to bring anything – just herself!

    See you then. . .

  2. jeanie said

    consider yourself officially “un-invited” to my BBQ.
    regards,
    Jeanie (the vegetarian)

  3. I’m a lousy cook no matter how precise the recipe is….any substitutions?

  4. nrhatch said

    Wonderful satire, OA!

    People who frown on cannibalism, while eating other animals, need to consider whether there is really a difference between eating a man vs. eating a chimp or a horse or a cat or a rat.

    Social conditioning and brainwashing has far more to do with it than most would like to believe.

  5. Greg Camp said

    Vegetarians, eh? I suspect that they taste like chicken. This does remind me of the joke about a cannibal restaurant. Politicians are the most expensive item on the menu, thanks to being so hard to clean.

  6. The Hook said

    This is a food site as well? Awesome!

  7. I came for the art, stayed for the recipe, and laughed so hard, my giblets hurt. You’ve certainly given us all food for… thought.

    As Julia Child once said when she took the charred goose out of the oven: Very well done!! : )

  8. Anonymous said

    Mr. Robotman:What about the ethical ramifications of eating a vegetarian?
    Even serial killers, and libertarians, have the humanity to refrain from such butchery.

    What kind of Monster are you?

  9. […] a ”unique” Vegetarian Recipe for Memorial Day?   Visit The […]

  10. Woman said

    YAY!!!!! Whose cooking? Cause I am hungry! This sounds delicious!!!! (ok I lied but that is what you say when people share recipes!)

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