THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Major announcement stuns news industry!

Posted by oldancestor on May 16, 2011

 

In space, no one reads your cover letter

By Old Ancestor

 

The Anvil is running for president! 

We’d love to be making that announcement, but now that Trump and Huckabee have dropped out, the thrill is gone. Therefore, we have decided to announce something even bigger. Something that will forever change the way you view the news media in the information age:

 

The Anvil is changing its content.

 

For several months now, we have been boasting about our 300 million daily readers. This number was based on a careful assessment of clicks, comments, and total fabrication. Our accountant/bookie, Rocko, who is a wiz with numbers, was released from prison this week and, like a diligent employee, reviewed our stats. He said we are actually getting about 90 page views per day.

 

That is not enough.

 

Starting this week, The Anvil will begin expanding its offerings. Don’t worry, loyal readers, we will continue to bring you the latest breaking fake news, but we will also have a less restrictive format that permits other types of satire and as well as essays and observations. Hopefully a guest post or two.

 

Effective immediately, the ever-popular Lacy Thundercake is promoted to head writer. Lennie becomes contributing writer, and Eric J Baker is promoted to real person. Baker will be replaced on the news team by new contributing writer Robotman, who also created the universe and everything in it as a science experiment 13 billion years ago. See our staff page for more details.

 

Rest assured, The Anvil team will redouble its effort to entertain you. By our calculations, that means we will work four times harder.

 

EDITOR’S NOTE: This version updates an earlier edition that stated the planets in our solar system are lined up this month in anticipation of today’s announcement. NASA scientists now believe the planets are lining up for job applications with McDonald’s, which has begun backfilling positions lost during the recent recession.

************************************************************************************

30 Responses to “Major announcement stuns news industry!”

  1. It is hard to beat total fabrication, when it comes to page views.

  2. nrhatch said

    Love the new look! And the exciting transformation looming on the Anvil’s horizon.

    I am delighted that the Anvil is NOT entering the Presidential race. Politics changes people, periodicals, and publications . . . and not in a good way.

    Here’s to new chapters . . .

  3. Woman said

    Ohhhh…. Schnazzy new layout!!! You now look uber swanky I like it!!!!!! Now I cannot wait for your next publication as your page views were over 300 million each time you fiddle then you diddle with your layout you increase you page views. So by now I estimate you should be at about 3,000,001 page views.

    I cannot wait to see what other changes you are going to have in store for us!!!!!!

  4. I can’t wait for the new suspense to unfold. It is killing me.

    🙂

  5. I love Lego’s…

  6. The Hook said

    You’ve got my support!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: