Transmissions from the alternate universe

Royal Wedding fiasco: Westminster Abbey double booked!

Posted by oldancestor on April 27, 2011

Kate’s special day ruined!

By Lacy Thundercake


LONDON – In what is sure to be remembered as one of the most embarrassing mishaps in the history of the British monarchy, wedding planners discovered last night that Westminster Abbey in London, the proposed site of Prince William’s marriage to Kate Middleton on Friday, is already booked for an unrelated event.

Family members from the Lipchitz-Goldstein wedding party, who made the earlier reservation, told royal officials to “bugger off” when they were asked to select a new date so the prince’s nuptials could take place as scheduled.

“I’ve got cousins flying in from the states to see my little daffodil get married,” said a teary Meryl Goldstein, mother of the bride. “Blimey. What shall I tell them? The Queen’s gone barmy and doesn’t know what day it is?”

Frank Lipchitz, father of the groom, concurs. “We ‘ad it first,” he says. “What are they going to do, throw us all in the Tower [of London, a former prison]? Won’t that be lovely?”

The mix-up is believed to have resulted from confusion over the first names of the engaged couple, Prince William Lipchitz and Kate Goldstein. Westminster Abbey officials admitted the couple’s parents called last year and said they needed to book a wedding hall for ‘Prince William and Kate.’

In a statement released to the press, Abbey spokesperson Sir Lemmy Kilimister said, “We regret that our chap working the phones didn’t ask enough questions. He has been sacked.”



New problems for Westminster Abbey,
only just repaired after Kong’s 2006 attack (file photo) 

If arrangements cannot be made between the royal family and the Lipchitz-Goldstein party, the Prince’s wedding may be moved to the Hammersmith Apollo, a popular concert venue in London. Pop/rock legends Duran Duran are scheduled to perform a show that day, but royal officials said the marriage ceremony will be incorporated into the performance, likely taking place between music sets.

When told of the potential for a combo event, Duran Duran lead vocalist Simon Le Bon said, “Cor. I’ve always wanted to play for a posh crowd.”

Kate Middleton is said to be a fan of the band, but Oxford professor and expert on royal weddings being incorporated into rock concerts, Sir Edmund Bollocks, warns, “If she’s going to throw her brar-and-panties onto the stage, she’d better do it during the first set. She’ll be Princess Kate by the time the Fab Five come back for round two, and that kind of behavior would hardly be appropriate.”


Hey Anvil readers! For more on the royal wedding and other silliness, check out my latest post for Pure Film Creative, where I talk about British girls named Kate, The Smelly Guy, and other transatlantic mayhem.


Today’s top image provided by Hanson Anderson from Weird Dude’s Blog (not for the easily offended! I mean it!)


44 Responses to “Royal Wedding fiasco: Westminster Abbey double booked!”

  1. nrhatch said

    As soon as I saw this headline in my in-box, I knew where I needed to head next!

    LOL! Wouldn’t that be loverly?

    And you’ve managed to work King Kong into a post as requested by a recent visitor to The Anvil. Only you could work Kong AND Duran Duran into a post on the Royal Nuptials without the post seeming contrived and ill conceived.

    I just learned from Kate Shrewsday that Robert Louis Stevenson wrote Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in . . . 6 days! How? Cocaine.

    What kinds of drugs do you take? 😉

    • So many ways to reply!

      I avoid contrivance by not having a clue what I’m going to write beyond the concept. It’s all stream-of-consciousness once I start typing.

      That must be why Dr J and Mr. H is so short. Stevenson either ran out of money or had a heart attack. Love the 1932 version of that film. It’s pretty edgy for it’s time.

      My drugs are fish pills and a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in 8-ounces of water. It’s cures everything!

      • King Kong
        Plays Ping Pong
        In Hong Kong
        With his Ding Dong.

        – John Hodgman

        I have the original Kong on DVD. It is great!

        • “They don’t make movies like that anymore.”

          Quick quiz: Does that quote belong to me or your dad?

          • No actually it is mine. I kid you, but I am myself a huge cult movie fan(I call them B Movies – but not pejoratively.)There is nothing better than a black and white sci-fi only a sleepy Sunday.
            If you do ITunes, check out “Cult of UHF” podcast. It airs dozens of legal, free, classic movies (1930-1950) that you can download.
            I like a young Vincent Price fighting Zombies in “The Last Man on Earth.” You must see that one if you have not already. Also “The Brain that Would Not Die” and “Johnny Got his Gun.”

            If you email me a post office box I will send you a free legal copy of a few on DVD.

            Nothing like a Flash Gordon’s (smoking, tin, pie plate) flying saucer hovering in space on a visible piece of fish line.

  2. estherlou said

    Who knew there wss more than one Prince William and Kate?

  3. The Kong Photo is priceless. I love it! You and my Dad would get along great. He is a B movie fan, and real life mad scientist.

    • A B movie fan and real-life mad scientist should have his own blog. Thanks for making me feel like an old guy by the way.

      Not that King Kong is a B movie, if you’re talking about the original from 1933. It’s #43 on AFI’s list of top 100 films of all time.

  4. Woman said

    LOL!!!!!! I love it!!! I hate to admit it, but sometimes when I open up your blog to read I forget that you are not writing an actual newspaper reporting the news news… but the fun news!!! Fabulous laugh as always!!!

  5. And the hits just keep on coming…Love this.

  6. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    Prince William and Kate Middleton had it coming. Just because all his ancestors were crowned in that Abbey doesn’t give him ownership. They have to make reservations just like the rest of us! My cousin, Kate Goldstein, is in shambles. No bride should go through that stress four days before the wedding.

    • You snooze, you lose, Prince.

      Eh, the DD concert will be more fun than some stuffy old Abbey. Maybe Kate can strut on stage during “Girls on Film.”

      • Alexandria Beaverhousin said

        Actually, I was planning to cut out early of my cousin’s wedding to crash the Duran Duran concert at the other Kate’s wedding.

        Also, great job on the pics!

        • Our usual pic maker ran off with a circus midget and we’re trying to coax her back.

          I may crash the concert with you. I’ve never seen “Wild Boys” performed live.

  7. Greg Camp said

    Didn’t we go to war with those Limeys so we didn’t have to hear about their silliness? I mean, whatever happened to life, liberty, and no more posh crap?

  8. I had no idea Kong was a member of the royal family. Then again, he is a King, so I guess it makes sense. I certainly learn a lot here.

  9. The Hook said

    Awesome post!

  10. belle said

    Errr, WHOOPS! haha. I had no idea about this. Bit of a tricky one! Lol.
    Cool post 🙂

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