THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Easter Bunny’s secret life revealed: sex, drugs, fleas

Posted by oldancestor on April 21, 2011

A rare photo of Easter Bunny's alleged life partner, Heat Miser, at their home in Wonderland

By Lennie

Warning: This story contains three really long sentences, right in the beginning, that may be offensive to readers who prefer short, choppy constructions.

 

NEW YORK – With Easter Bunny back in court this week on charges of violating his probation, details of his personal life are being revealed that threaten to derail his career as a psychedelic holiday icon and disappoint millions of people who associate their religion’s holiest day with baby marshmallow chickens covered in yellow sugar.

Unlike Santa Clause, who flaunts his North Pole digs like a reality-show faux celebrity desperately clinging to those last few seconds of fame and who is not above participating in the most crass acts of commercialism, the notoriously private Easter Bunny has kept his home life a secret.

Until now.

Court documents obtained by The Anvil show that he lives in Wonderland, a small, lawless, and surreal Central American nation bordering Costa Rica, whose inhabitants ingest hallucinogenic drugs, dress as playing cards, and, even more alarmingly, flout food-safety regulations pertaining to the handling and transport of eggs across state lines.

Other shocking allegations that emerged during today’s testimony include Easter Bunny fathering hundreds of baby bunnies by several bunny women and using his progeny as slave labor to weave baskets and dye eggs.

In his opening statement, lead prosecutor Victor Chinchilla said, “The evidence will show that Easter Bunny wantonly breeds like a jackrabbit for the purpose of staffing his sweatshop organization with unpaid offspring.”

Defense attorney Peter Cottontail countered by claiming that Easter Bunny is in a committed and monogamous interspecies relationship with Heat Miser, though that revelation has stirred its own controversy.

“A bunny cohabitating with a Heat Miser is sick and unnatural,” says militant Florida preacher and pyromaniac Josephus A. Crunky, “especially a bunny that represents a religious holiday celebrating the resurrection of Christ.”

Reverend Crunky says he plans to burn a stack of bibles in protest this weekend. “What kind of twisted religion would let a pervert give out colored eggs on its behalf?” he asks.

Bunny’s most recent arrest, this time for sniffing the fumes of purple Easter egg dye, comes on the heels of accusations he was responsible for the Great American Flea Epidemic of May, 2009, during which over two million people got itchy and many more were annoyed hearing about it.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) issued a warning this week advising Americans to avoid celebrating Easter and, as an added precaution, to set rabbit traps near any point of entry to their houses or apartments.

In a statement released to the press, CDC officials said, “Under no circumstances should anyone attempt to communicate with the Easter Bunny, even if he’s screaming in pain because his leg is half torn off by a trap. If you see him, call your local animal control division of the FBI.”

The CDC’s comments appeared to rile residents of Easter Island, who took to the streets in protest, burning American flags and waving stuffed bunnies. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to arrive there later this week to meet with that nation’s president, Stone Flintrock, in the hopes of diffusing already tense relations between the United States and the former Pangaean republic.

World War III appeared to be the last thing on the mind of a defiant Easter Bunny as he left court today, telling reporters he was on his way to, “spend more money on cocaine and prostitutes in one night than you all make in a year.”

His lawyer added that Easter Bunny loves children and can’t wait to make Easter Sunday their most special day.

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Important note to Anvil readers: It has come to our attention that noted anarchist and goat molester Hanson Anderson, who runs the subversive and wholly illegal fake news enterprise, Weird Dude Incorporated, has been making libelous statements about The Anvil, its editor, and writing staff. These heinous and cruel comments, only partly true, are a clear attempt to discredit this fine and respected news organization and its 300 million daily readers.

We strongly advise our readers not to click here and read these disgusting statements for yourselves. The last thing we want is for you to be upset by clicking here to read this trash. By clicking here, you’re only encouraging Hanson Anderson, seditionist and eater of lead paint, to continue spreading his libelous manure.

The Anvil will take the high road, as we believe it would be undignified and unbecoming of a world-class news organization to point out that Hanson Anderson is a registered ferret offender who dances in public fountains while wearing a size 48 disposable diaper, held up by a giant pink safety pin, and reads Tiger Beat magazine.

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Today’s image by the lovely and talented Sandra Tarsitano

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29 Responses to “Easter Bunny’s secret life revealed: sex, drugs, fleas”

  1. nrhatch said

    I had a tough time with this one, OA. Long sentences mess with my head and throw my concentration off. 😉

    Interesting that the Easter Bunny and Santa both rely on slave labor to satisfy the insatiable appetites of consumers for material goods, chocolate, and jelly beans.

    How can we establish an economy based on Fair Trade when elves and baby bunnies are exploited in this fashion ~ with long hours, inadequate compensation, and improper ventilation from the purple dye?

    BTW: Who fathered Santa’s elves? Have paternity tests revealed parentage?

    Reverend Crunky is a narcissistic crone who will do anything to get his name in the paper. I hate to see you taking such obvious bait. He’s not going to burn any Bible. He’s all talk and no action.

    Besides, Achmed the terrorist is taking Crunky to visit some unemployed virgins this weekend.

    I read the statements made to the Senate sub-committee by Hanson Anderson. Before you get all fired up about hiring attorneys to sue Wierd Dude for libel and slander, remember that TRUTH is an absolute defense. From my perspective, you are ‘A seditious, pro-socialism, flag burner.’

    And I’d like to go for a ride in that hovercraft.

    • 🙂

      When I read through my first draft I thought, “Dang, those are some long sentences.” Then I started to laugh at their meandering ways. Luckily, I have a “team of writers,” so I can just give the byline to Lennie if the writing is gaudy.

      I’m very concerned about what happens to elves when they try to leave Santa’s employ. Perhaps they sign not-disclosure agreements, but I never hear any chatter, one way or the other, regarding what it’s like to work for the man in red.

      I’ll take Hanson Anderson’s accusations as free publicity, as there is not such thing as bad publicity, unless you are Michael Jackson, who managed to test the truth of that expression regularly.

      Sadly, my hovercraft is in the shop. I should have bought a Honda.

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  3. Stop dilly- DALIying…

  4. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    It will never work out between Heat Miser and Easter Bunny. Rev. Crunky mentioned that it is wrong to mix species, but what he failed to mention is that they are both male! It’s only right when it’s shipping and receiving. Companies fail when it’s just shipping. Same goes with relationships. Luckily, it’s almost impossible to have Miser Bunnies. What a freak that kid would be.

    Another reason why the relation will never work, it would be counterproductive. Heat Miser will just melt all those chocolates. Easter will be cancelled. He’s a selfish b*stard that way.

  5. “…and many more were annoyed hearing about it.” *heehee*

    Sentences of all lengths are acceptable, providing they are well constructed and grammatically correct. No problem here.

    • I’m sure some respected and famous writer is known for long sentences. Right? I’m sure I sort of remember reading that once.

      I’m proud that I was able to use ‘flaunt’ and ‘flout’ not only in the same story, but correctly.

      It was pointed out by an associate of mine that I spelled Santa Claus incorrectly, though. I’d like to say we live and learn, but I’ve spelled it incorrectly in the past and probably will again.

  6. Dear Old Ancestor, It is always good to see the righteous Rev. Josephus A Crunky, (FL) make a public pronouncement that “pulls no punches”. He really held my world together, during those terrifying 36 days, of the scandalous “Hanging Chad” calamity in Florida.
    Crunky cleverly thwarted the Despotism of Gore’s seditious, pantheistism, and his abnormal, evironmental-worhiping agenda. Hence, I was well contented by Bush’s tax breaks—as I did not wan’t to toil 80 hours a week, just to chuck all of my cash, into a gigantic, bureaucratic , hand-shoveled “Money-Hole.”
    And when I drive all the way to a National Forest; I want to shoot something. Not be greeted by a peace-loving assemblage of democrats, staging a protest, all steadfastly shackled together around a Red Wood tree..
    Just give me one Republican, an iron-fisted ruler,and crown them as our sanctioned Monarch.
    I’m just going to say it: I am certain you will agree,“Bob dole effectively had only one arm;and Palin has an assault rifle for a left leg; and they both look “hot” in a bikini; In conclusion: they both deserve to be president.
    Thank you Old Ancestor. For putting the “Eric” back in “AmErica.” And . thank you, Ms. Sandra Tarsitano, for putting the iconic images into The Anvil’s “how about a knuckle sandwich?” style of fake news journalism. We Americans are indebted to you both .
    I salute you both, Hanson Anderson.🙂

    • You’ve inspired me to have gender-reassignment surgery so I can change my name to “Erica” and own even more letters in “America.” When I write my autobiography I will call it I Am Erica. The double meaning will stun the nation.

      So Robert Rodriguez’s Planet Terror was based ont he life of Sarah Palin? I had no idea she was such a master zombie killer. or, as Mrs. OA says, “Jombie.”

  7. Woman said

    LOL!!!!! LOL!!!! The Easter Bunny lives in Wonderland!!! Priceless!!!!

  8. The Hook said

    Great Easter post! That bunny has a life Charlie Sheen would envy!

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