Easter Bunny’s secret life revealed: sex, drugs, fleas
Posted by oldancestor on April 21, 2011
Warning: This story contains three really long sentences, right in the beginning, that may be offensive to readers who prefer short, choppy constructions.
NEW YORK – With Easter Bunny back in court this week on charges of violating his probation, details of his personal life are being revealed that threaten to derail his career as a psychedelic holiday icon and disappoint millions of people who associate their religion’s holiest day with baby marshmallow chickens covered in yellow sugar.
Unlike Santa Clause, who flaunts his North Pole digs like a reality-show faux celebrity desperately clinging to those last few seconds of fame and who is not above participating in the most crass acts of commercialism, the notoriously private Easter Bunny has kept his home life a secret.
Court documents obtained by The Anvil show that he lives in Wonderland, a small, lawless, and surreal Central American nation bordering Costa Rica, whose inhabitants ingest hallucinogenic drugs, dress as playing cards, and, even more alarmingly, flout food-safety regulations pertaining to the handling and transport of eggs across state lines.
Other shocking allegations that emerged during today’s testimony include Easter Bunny fathering hundreds of baby bunnies by several bunny women and using his progeny as slave labor to weave baskets and dye eggs.
In his opening statement, lead prosecutor Victor Chinchilla said, “The evidence will show that Easter Bunny wantonly breeds like a jackrabbit for the purpose of staffing his sweatshop organization with unpaid offspring.”
Defense attorney Peter Cottontail countered by claiming that Easter Bunny is in a committed and monogamous interspecies relationship with Heat Miser, though that revelation has stirred its own controversy.
“A bunny cohabitating with a Heat Miser is sick and unnatural,” says militant Florida preacher and pyromaniac Josephus A. Crunky, “especially a bunny that represents a religious holiday celebrating the resurrection of Christ.”
Reverend Crunky says he plans to burn a stack of bibles in protest this weekend. “What kind of twisted religion would let a pervert give out colored eggs on its behalf?” he asks.
Bunny’s most recent arrest, this time for sniffing the fumes of purple Easter egg dye, comes on the heels of accusations he was responsible for the Great American Flea Epidemic of May, 2009, during which over two million people got itchy and many more were annoyed hearing about it.
The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) issued a warning this week advising Americans to avoid celebrating Easter and, as an added precaution, to set rabbit traps near any point of entry to their houses or apartments.
In a statement released to the press, CDC officials said, “Under no circumstances should anyone attempt to communicate with the Easter Bunny, even if he’s screaming in pain because his leg is half torn off by a trap. If you see him, call your local animal control division of the FBI.”
The CDC’s comments appeared to rile residents of Easter Island, who took to the streets in protest, burning American flags and waving stuffed bunnies. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to arrive there later this week to meet with that nation’s president, Stone Flintrock, in the hopes of diffusing already tense relations between the United States and the former Pangaean republic.
World War III appeared to be the last thing on the mind of a defiant Easter Bunny as he left court today, telling reporters he was on his way to, “spend more money on cocaine and prostitutes in one night than you all make in a year.”
His lawyer added that Easter Bunny loves children and can’t wait to make Easter Sunday their most special day.
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Today’s image by the lovely and talented Sandra Tarsitano