New Lady Gaga song offends Catholics, people with ears

By Lacy Thundercake

Not even people with weird hats like Lady Gaga's new song, "Judas."

LOS ANGELES – Pop star Lady Gaga took a short break from her 2011 Plastic-Outfit-A-Day challenge to release a new single entitled Judas, a provocative religion-themed song that has Catholics everywhere incensed. To add to the controversy, Gaga has recently been performing the song dressed as biblical figure Mary Magdalene, specifically from the period that Magdalene was said to have worn a cellophane dress with tape over her nipples, a thong, and a nun’s headgear (John 3:16).

 An irate catholic identifying himself as Pope Benedict released a statement today that read, in part, “This song is a clear affront to all people of spiritual belief, though I haven’t heard it. I demand that the harlot’s record label immediately withdraw the song from radio stations, retail stores, and internet music sites. Blah, blah, so on and so forth. Did you get all that? Type up a nice ending for me. Was I supposed to say ‘stop’ before?”

In addition to being a pop singer and prolific recycler, Gaga, whose real name is Didn’tMadonnaDoThisTwentyYearsAgo,ButBetter, is also a renowned theologian who believes the story of Judas Iscariot is underrepresented in the world of disposable bubble-gum pop music.

“Like me,” Gaga said recently while serving as a panel member at Oxford University’s post-graduate theological conference, “Judas is persecuted, rightly or wrongly. Did he lead the Nazis to Jesus? Did he not? Am I typical of egotistical celebrities who equate photographers taking my picture with martyrdom? Or not?”

Catholics may be offended by the song, but it’s hard to argue that Gaga doesn’t know her new testament intimately, based on this lyric sample:

Hey Judas, why did you do dis?

You sold your boss out for some coins

I’d like to kick you in the groins

Da Vinci depicted you wit’ paint

But that don’t make you a saint!

Break it down. Hey!

 

Even in the secular world, Gaga’s newest single is causing a stir.

‘People With Ears,’ a loose affiliation of Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Tea Party members, and Greens, has launched a new campaign called Make it Stop!, with the stated goal of eradicating all music that could be mistaken for the theme song to a Nickelodeon ‘tween comedy.

Says the group’s founder, Pinky Middleton of Cleveland Ohio, “That Lady Gaga song sounds like someone from iCarly got drunk after Sunday school and decided to record a song about it.”

Researchers from Princeton University who track people’s reactions to Lady Gaga songs initially claimed that the only people not offended by the single were deaf atheists. They later retracted the statement when it was learned that an organization of deaf atheists called ‘Imaginary Gods Don’t Hear Prayers, And Neither Can I’ had come forward to report that they, too, didn’t like it.

“Whenever I feel the vibrations of a speaker playing that song, I’m outta there,” signed the organization’s president, Topaz Xu.

In unrelated news, Lady Gaga’s music label, Toothache Records, announced a joint marketing effort with the PR firm, Vatican City Promotions, to generate free publicity.

 _________________________________________________________

Hello, Anvil readers. Be sure to stop by Pure film Creative to read my latest column, Rock Saved the Queen. Just in time to insult our newest friend, Alannah Murphy, I tell all about what horrid, ghastly, wicked people the British are!

__________________________________________________________

Today’s wonderful image created by Sandra Tarsitano

____________________________________________________