THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Even more SHOCKING news stories of 2011!

Posted by oldancestor on April 7, 2011

Warning: Only read this article if you are wearing rubber gloves and are not standing in water

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Government Shot Down!   

By Eric J Baker

WASHINGTON DC – The Obama Administration’s experiment with aerial government appears to have ended in dismal failure as the Capitol Building – recently outfitted with wings and jet engines – was shot down today by members of Muammar Gaddafi’s Super-Sexy All-Female Commando Strike Team. No one was killed in the attack, though House Speaker John Boehner’s hair was mussed.

News of the surface-to-air missile strike resulted in spontaneous partying all across the United States, while political activists immediately set about to replace the injured politicians with candidates who are at least as bad, if not worse.

In an embarrassing side note, some media outlets mistakenly read the initial news report as a “government shutdown,” leading several reporters to write long, boring articles about budgets and spending that no one wants to read.

Those reporters are said to have been sacked.

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Pope Bitten by Werewolf on the Set of New Twilight Film

by Lacy Thundercake

Pope Benedict escaped from his hospital room just after this story was written

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict was injured on the set of the upcoming film Twilight: Sunspot, currently in production, when he got too close to one of the werewolves featured in the story. The movie is being filmed on location in Rome, and the pontiff was on hand as an extra.

“People need to understand that werewolves are not dogs,” says animal trainer Pinky Middleton, not associated with the production. “They’re wild animals and should be treated as such.”

In the film, actor Taylor Lautner’s character, Jacob Black, finally ascends to the papacy while his rival, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison), is forced to turn tricks on the street so he can raise money to buy a huge engagement ring for that bitch, Bella (Kristen Stewart).

The werewolf that bit Pope Benedict was Lautner’s stunt beast. Attempts to put the animal down were unsuccessful when animal control officers could not locate a silver bullet.

From his hospital bed at Our Lady of the Grilled Cheese Miracle in Vatican City, the Pope told reporters he doesn’t blame the wolf and that he hopes “footage of the attack goes viral on YouTube.”

Pope Benedict is said to be a fan of the Twilight books and films, though he cites 1981’s The Howling as his favorite werewolf movie of all time.

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Billy Joel Stabbed by Crazed Fan

by Lacy Thundercake

NEW YORK – Pop singer and songwriter Billy Joel was attacked yesterday by a knife-wielding woman police identify as Brenda Rinetti, 59, of Hoboken, NJ. Joel was stabbed in the left foot and later taken to a local hospital, where he was listed in stable condition.

Ms. Rinetti’s lawyer told reporters today that she is not a crazed fan but, rather, a victim who was defending her honor.

“Mr. Joel, in his lyrics for the song ‘Scenes from an Italian Restaurant,’ deliberately identified my client by name, which we view as libel,” said her lawyer. “She has put up with this since the 1970s, but no more. We intend to seek damages.”

When informed that Joel was, in fact, singing, “Brenda and Eddie,” but slurring the words together, Ms. Rinetti’s lawyer said, “Really?”

From his hospital bed next to the Pope, Joel told reporters he was relieved the injury was to his left foot. “My right foot is my piano playing foot,” he said.

Aside from writing a few minor hit songs, Joel is probably best known for raising awareness of the Billy Joel-Christie Brinkley Syndrome, a debilitating disease that causes tall, beautiful models to become romantically involved with short, unattractive musicians. Despite the millions of dollars spent every year on medical research, no cure exists, thankfully.

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(Today’s image by Sandra Tarsitano) 

16 Responses to “Even more SHOCKING news stories of 2011!”

  1. nrhatch said

    I have one MAJOR complaint about this post . . . it should have been 3 posts so that each got the time and attention they deserved.

    What kind of news agency are you running here, anyway???

    I would have had more intelligent commentario IF you had separated them out, but here goes:

    (1) OMG. They’ve mussed his hair! Ack!

    (2) Werewolves are people too.

    (3) Brenda and Eddie have no comment, except to say, “Glad it wasn’t Billy’s piano playing foot.

    • You are always welcome to leave three comments. It pushes up my comment count!

      When I get ideas that only have one of two gags, I put them in “top stories” posts. There are a few others floating around in my archives.

  2. May I get your legal advice, Old Ancestor? Lyrics are indeed libel, that is very sharp and lawyerly of the reporter.
    How about if, however, one reads the lyrics silently to themselves BUT also with their mouth moving – like I do.
    Would they then then be tacitly guilty of slander instead? Also would it still be libel simultaneously. Lastly what if I exercised my right to violate the first amendment — like if I did not all anyone around me to read the printed lyrics? Like by throwing my body on them. How exactly would I decide what I was stabbing a musician for in my statement? Not Billy Joel, but another one… like lady Gaga?

    I only ask you Eric. as you are are indicted so much more than I am. You also lifted all those dumb bells weights, and probably learned a lot more than your lawyers, while in the prison library.

    I don’t know if I took my brain pills today…So Attorney Baker, if you please, What is your professional opinion in regards to my stabbing lady Gaga, and jail time. And in regards to the second point, could someone like me really be considered competent to stand trial?
    In closing I am with the American CIA, there is a radio in my head, and I am going to bite you on the ankle for no particular reason.

    I think I have asked my yes or no question succinctly and articulately. Please don’t reply with a lot of circuitous time wasting words. I am a very busy she-man.

    Thank You.
    Long time Listener, first time stalker

    • My short answer: Yes, Tuesday should swap places with Monday. Good call.

      My long answer: I wear steel ankle protectors (duh), so I advise you, as your lawyer, to pre-schedule a dental appointment.

  3. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    I heard Lindsay Lohan is in the mental ward of the same hospital. The Pope was supposed to visit her to give her a blessing, but was quickly dismissed by Lindsay once she found out what was really going on. She thought the nurse said, “The dope is coming.” Boy was she disappointed!

  4. I am shocked.

  5. The Hook said

    Twisted and fun – cool, as usual!

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