Animals make bad pets!

An editorial by Lennie

When pets attack: Remember Godzilla's tragic Dancing with the Stars appearance?

About the writer: Lennie is the author of Don’t Give to Charity – It Only Teaches People to Take and The Real Science Behind Unicorns. He’s also in the Lennie’s Book of World Records for “Coolest, most popular, best-looking guy.”

His uncle owns The Anvil.

~ ~ ~

Like all humans, I don’t care what happens to anyone else, but some people are taking their selfish disregard for the world around them to new depths. Folks, animals are living creatures, not matchbox cars or decorative candles. In other words, they are not pets!

Don’t be lulled into a false sense of affection by their sad eyes and soft fur. Those are evolutionary adaptations specifically designed by God to get these creatures into your house.

Why? Because they are too lazy to build their own houses. I didn’t use my family connections to gain employment, cheat on my taxes to get a big refund, or date a woman with zero self-esteem who I browbeat into doing all my housework… just so some “rodent with fur” can steal my thunder. Seriously, is there a worse combination of traits than being conniving and lazy? That’s animals for ya.

Not to mention they are dangerous. Some scary animal facts:

1. In the movie Jaws, a huge great white shark eats a bunch of people. You may be thinking, “Lennie, ‘huge’ and ‘great’ are kind of redundant.” Well that’s how huge it was.

2. Polar bears can smell a pie cooling on your window sill from the North Pole. Don’t you feel violated? While we’re on the subject, maybe you should stop putting pies on your window sill. You’re not a cartoon character.

3. In Ohio in the 1980s, a woman named Medusa kept pet snakes that, no doubt, had soft fur and sad eyes. Despite warnings, she allowed them to sleep at the foot of her bed. Guess what? During the night, they planted eggs in her head and snakes eventually grew in place of hair. She could not get a date after that and died a lonely spinster 50 years later. It sounds like an urban legend, but it’s not, because my friend’s cousin’s neighbor knew her.

4. Cats and dogs have bacteria on them. Ew. You don’t want that stuff near your face, do you?

5. During a live animal show in San Diego last year that featured tigers and lions, a woman in the audience got food poisoning from eating an undercooked hamburger. A hamburger made of beef.

6. Kittens are cute and cuddly all right, but leave a baby unattended around one, and you’ll come back to find a cradle full of small bones. Fact.

7. Dog biscuits are made in sweat shops by underage foreign children working 12 hours a day. Meanwhile, our preteens are unemployed and wasting time!

Now that you know the facts, take the next step and drop your house animal off at the nearest pet recycling center before you forget. You can probably get rid of your spiders that way, too, but do it fast so no one gets suspicious.

Consider yourself informed.

~ ~ ~

(Today’s image by Sandra Tarsitano)