Transmissions from the alternate universe

Animals make bad pets!

Posted by oldancestor on April 5, 2011

An editorial by Lennie

When pets attack: Remember Godzilla's tragic Dancing with the Stars appearance?

About the writer: Lennie is the author of Don’t Give to Charity – It Only Teaches People to Take and The Real Science Behind Unicorns. He’s also in the Lennie’s Book of World Records for “Coolest, most popular, best-looking guy.”

His uncle owns The Anvil.

~ ~ ~

Like all humans, I don’t care what happens to anyone else, but some people are taking their selfish disregard for the world around them to new depths. Folks, animals are living creatures, not matchbox cars or decorative candles. In other words, they are not pets!

Don’t be lulled into a false sense of affection by their sad eyes and soft fur. Those are evolutionary adaptations specifically designed by God to get these creatures into your house.

Why? Because they are too lazy to build their own houses. I didn’t use my family connections to gain employment, cheat on my taxes to get a big refund, or date a woman with zero self-esteem who I browbeat into doing all my housework… just so some “rodent with fur” can steal my thunder. Seriously, is there a worse combination of traits than being conniving and lazy? That’s animals for ya.

Not to mention they are dangerous. Some scary animal facts:

1. In the movie Jaws, a huge great white shark eats a bunch of people. You may be thinking, “Lennie, ‘huge’ and ‘great’ are kind of redundant.” Well that’s how huge it was.

2. Polar bears can smell a pie cooling on your window sill from the North Pole. Don’t you feel violated? While we’re on the subject, maybe you should stop putting pies on your window sill. You’re not a cartoon character.

3. In Ohio in the 1980s, a woman named Medusa kept pet snakes that, no doubt, had soft fur and sad eyes. Despite warnings, she allowed them to sleep at the foot of her bed. Guess what? During the night, they planted eggs in her head and snakes eventually grew in place of hair. She could not get a date after that and died a lonely spinster 50 years later. It sounds like an urban legend, but it’s not, because my friend’s cousin’s neighbor knew her.

4. Cats and dogs have bacteria on them. Ew. You don’t want that stuff near your face, do you?

5. During a live animal show in San Diego last year that featured tigers and lions, a woman in the audience got food poisoning from eating an undercooked hamburger. A hamburger made of beef.

6. Kittens are cute and cuddly all right, but leave a baby unattended around one, and you’ll come back to find a cradle full of small bones. Fact.

7. Dog biscuits are made in sweat shops by underage foreign children working 12 hours a day. Meanwhile, our preteens are unemployed and wasting time!

Now that you know the facts, take the next step and drop your house animal off at the nearest pet recycling center before you forget. You can probably get rid of your spiders that way, too, but do it fast so no one gets suspicious.

Consider yourself informed.

~ ~ ~

(Today’s image by Sandra Tarsitano)

58 Responses to “Animals make bad pets!”

  1. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    I also heard that this woman had a python as a pet and she started to let him sleep in her bed at night. The python stopped eating and so she took him to the vet. The doctor asked if his habits have changed. Of course she mentioned the sleeping arrangements and the doctor gave his prognosis. The python stopped eating because he was sizing her up while she slept. He need to make enough room in his stomach so he can eat her.

    True facts. Look it up!

  2. nrhatch said

    Lennie ~ LOL! You’re just jealous because you had to rely on your family’s connections to trap a woman into doing your dirty work, and to convince your uncle to give you a feature story. 😛

    Dogs and cats add life and laughter to a home . . . even if they don’t do anything but goof off all day.

    But snakes? EWWW!!! Not good pets. Just ask Medusa. Only keep snakes until the rodent infestation has been cleared out.

    • Lennie says, “Dogs and cakes would be ok if we taught them to work, perhaps as air traffic controllers or surgeons. Jobs that need good reflexes.”

      This is a true annecdote: When my nephew was a baby, my mom was babysitting and put him down for a nap. A little while later I went into the bedroom to check on him and found our cat chewing on his head! I couldn’t help but crack up, imagining the cat sizing up a human baby, thinking, “Yeah, I think I could get that down.”

      Before anyone is too horrified by my uncaring demeanor, my nephew didn’t even wake up when it was happening. He’s now a strapping lad of 22 and, thanks to tens of thousands of dollars in therapy, is finally over the incident.

      • nrhatch said

        Some dogs are good at sniffing out drugs . . . which Lennie could then sell on the street for a quick profit. 😉

        Did you see the story about the pet ferret that ate all but two of a baby’s fingers? While the mother was “asleep” in the same room?

        The kids were taken away from the parents and put into child protective services. Not sure mom and dad ever got them back.


        • nrhatch said

          • Wow. That’s nasty. Glad to know I’m not the world’s worst parent by a long shot. I’ve inadvertently taught my son a few words he shouldn’t know, but I blame bad drivers for that.

            I once dated a girl with a feret for a pet. That was not a very likable critter (the feret I mean. The girl was OK). He smelled bad and was very bitey. He drew blood from me more than once.

          • nrhatch said

            Bad drivers are the worst.

            I once yelled, “You old bag!” to express my displeasure at someone driving slower than molasses.

            My 3-year-old niece found that quite funny and ran around for days saying, “You bag! You bag!”

            It’s a good thing you didn’t fall asleep around the bitey, smelly, blood-sucking ferret. Creepy little vampiric beasts.

            • Er, lets be thankful that your niece is your niece and not mine. She’d have been walking around saying something a tad harder than that.

              If her parents blamed you, let them know it could have been worse.

              I probably did fall asleep around the ferret. I lived, but I may not have if the girl’s dad knew I fell asleep around the ferret, if you know what I mean.


  3. Hey psycho pet hater:
    Our Pets are loving, caring, altruistic, and sentient beings, who feel pain just like we do.I know as I raised a kitten who had been the offspring of a mother cat who died while giving birth. I raised that kitten, feeding it nothing but milk from an eye dropper, and it was so weak yet amazingly loving and appreciative. I know that it could feel things just as deeply as any human ever could. Things like pain! Shame on you.
    We should love our pets, and we should have reverence for them. This applies to all of OUR PETS Are you a monster?

    On the other hand, there is no good reason that we should refrain from enjoying and eating OTHER PEOPLES PETS
    Well, I had a great meal, eating my blind neighbor’s helper monkey–just yesterday. I had it rare, had it with some fava beans–and I enjoyed a nice Auschwitz German Chianti with it. What a fine Whine that was. And all of our cats got table scraps right from the table. We loveOUR PETS!

    Anyway, you disgust me. Go buy a pet.You might actually be able to feel something. If that is possible….

    • As a member of the human community, I understand your deep love for your pets, and your slightly less deep love for recipes in which other people’s pets are a main ingredient.

      However, we here at The Anvil have noticed not one single animal leaving a comment, subscribing to our posts, or sending us hate mail. Not one. Perhaps we haven’t marketed to that segment properly, but I prefer to thing that animals are complete bastards who just don’t care about the hard work we do.

  4. Greg Camp said

    This warning comes too late. Don’t you realize that animals are on the verge of taking over? I could tell you how I know this, but I’m packing up to run for the hills. Save yourself!

  5. I’m calling the SPCA……

  6. Animals make bad dancing partners….

  7. Cities of the Mind said

    Funny as ever! And for all that animals make bad pets, have you ever tried to raise a person? My parents are both “animal people” and they spent eighteen years training me before they gave up and set me free.

    • So are you one of those pets who travels thousands of miles, without GPS or Google maps, to find home again, or one of those other pets who wanders into a swamp and gets eaten by an alligator the first day?

      For the pet lovers in the audience, please note I used the words “pets who travel” not “pets that travel,” which implies that I think pets are people. I don’t actually think that, but I thought it might make up for the clear anti-pet bias of the article.

  8. My opinion on rats;
    Don’t listen to that Goth kid at the pet store, Rats are not Pets!
    Rats are scary, fetid, beasts which are born to live in our sewers. They spend their lives frolicking about in human excrement and pulling used condoms over their heads making improvised swimming caps. They are germ riddled beasts from Perdition. They will surely give us all the plague, if even so much as one of them is brought above ground.
    We must kill them-We must kill them all. And do it now. Do it with fire! Always use Fire whenever possible! However if a rat comes out of your toilet and surprises you, you do not have to panic. Simply grab and stab at it did blindly with your “bathroom knife.”

  9. Kim said

    This makes me wish I had a window sill!

  10. Free-Thinking cat Sh*ts outside the box. Mensa makes it an honorary genius.

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