Transmissions from the alternate universe

Florida preacher burns Richard Dawkins book; atheists rampage

Posted by oldancestor on April 3, 2011

By Eric J Baker

All Richard Dawkins readers are vampires.

GATORBAG, FL – A pastor from an evangelical church near Gainesville, Florida burned a copy of the Richard Dawkins book DNA for Dummies (i.e. You) this weekend, causing millions of his atheist followers across the country to go on a mad rampage, storming supermarkets, car dealerships, restaurants, and other places of business with one thing on their minds: Revenge.

Witnesses say the atheists bought items and ordered meals during the melee. Thousands of cars were test driven by them on Saturday, with at least 75 drives resulting in purchases, though officials expect the sales toll to rise.

“We’re out of stock on a few things,” said beleaguered shop owner Pinky Middleton of Atlanta, whose inventory was reduced by the attack. “Greek yogurt was on sale, so naturally, we ran out.”

When asked why he burned Dawkins’ book on evolutionary biology, considered by many to be one of hundreds on the market, the controversial Reverend Josephus Crunky said, “I hated Family Feud when he was the host. 1976 to 1985 were dark times indeed.”

Neither Richard Dawkins, the book’s author, or Richard Dawson, former host of the Family Feud, could be reached for comment, but historian and expert on British people called Richard, Sir Edmund Bollocks, said, “Those two chaps, plus King Richard III, complete the perfect trifecta of utterly unrelated Richards.”

Few of the crazed nonbelievers involved in the attack were willing to go on record, though one man, who identified himself only by his first name, Dracula, said, “Richard Dawkins’ book improved the quality of my life. Once he convinced me to give up religion, crosses no longer burned my flesh. I simply stopped thinking they could hurt me, like in that Wild West episode of Star Trek with the phantom bullets. From the third season.”

He also said, “I became a vegetarian as well, so steak couldn’t damage my heart. Get it? Stake. Steak. Hello? Is this thing on? Woo. Tough crowd.”

The incident was not the only controversial book burning to take place in Florida this week. On Friday, another preacher, Reverend Skippy Flintspark of Tallahassee, set ablaze the space alien holy book, To Serve Man, while his congregation looked on. In response, angry aliens sent an armada of star cruisers to Earth, vaporizing Washington DC and New York City.

Yet another preacher, Reverend Jesse Jackson, attempted to broker peace between humans and the aliens by saying of To Serve Man, “It’s a cookbook!”


 Greetings, Anvil readers! When you have a minute, please go check out my guest post on LA filmmaker and entertainment writer James Killough’s blog Pure Film Creative . Fair warning to people with PG-13 tastes: James’ blog is not for people who offend easily, and you’re going to see a very different side of my writing.


17 Responses to “Florida preacher burns Richard Dawkins book; atheists rampage”

  1. nrhatch said

    Wonderful, OA.

    I am a fan of PG-13, but I’m going to be brave and head over to Pure Film Creative. If I’m offended . . . I’ll be back here to duke it out with you.

    Or maybe I’ll just burn a copy of your guest post in protest. It depends on how offensive it is.

    I’ll let you know. 😉

  2. This is probably my all time Anvil Favorite. There are too sentences I laughed at to pick one as standing out above the others. I wish that I had thought of this idea. I am green with envy. I think I will go test drive a car.

    Dang, this was a good article. I should have thought of this. I could kick myself. Thanks for the fresh perspective, I think it will help my own humble writings.

    Your fan

    • Why thank you, Hanson. You have plenty of good ideas, so I wouldn’t bo too concerned.

      Not surprisingly, I get fewer clicks when I do topical material with a message. I’d better get back to Godzilla and zombies soon. I advise against kicking yourself, by the way. You’ll end up hyperextending your knee.

  3. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    So is that what Eddie Munster is doing now…reading Richard Dawkins’ books? What will Herman think? Herman and Grandpa are from the ol’ school of thinking. The Devil created all.

  4. Amen..OA! You have rendered me speechless. Really sunk your fangs into this one. Bravo!

  5. Greg Camp said

    As an English teacher, I’m offended when anyone burns a good book, regardless of its origin. I’ll be burning copies of Dan Brown novels in protest.

  6. the sad part is that xtians love to insist that atheists are violent

    but are unable to point to any confirmed news story about a person walking into a crown, screaming “for nothing” and then detonating.

    perhaps if the godbots could stop looking for ways to demonize non-beleivers, they could see the violence that they perpetuate.

    so far, all the really have is that atheists are rude, which is not in the same catory of suicide bombers, shooting abortion doctors, flying planes into buildings, hijacking government policies and limiting foreign aid to religious groups instead of groups that actually help.

    I support microsoft products because Bill Gates has donated more money – and used it more effectively – to help people in Africa than the US government has.

    maybe we need international corporations to include a corporate philanthropy and get government out of foriegn aid

    it always seems to wind up in corrupt dictator bank accounts when it’s gov’t to gov’t funding.

    • Well, corrupt dictators are fine when it’s politically expedient to be friendly with them, no? Most of Saddam Hussein’s atrocities that were used to justify the invasion took place when he was talking money and arms from the US to fight Iraq.

      Love your avatar by the way. Is that your design?

  7. The Hook said

    “Gatorbag, Fla.”? Good work!

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