Crapple finally releases StupidPhone
Posted by oldancestor on March 29, 2011
By Eric J Baker
NEW YORK – Consumer electronics giant Crapple announced the release of their unawaited new multi-gadget handheld device, the StupidPhone, in New York City today. Company CEO Potsie Weber was on hand to explain the features, but he appeared to be intoxicated and forgot what they were.
“Uuuuuhhhh,” he told reporters.
The StupidPhone, which replaces the DumbPhone, carries a suggested retail price of $129.99 and, like its predecessor, doesn’t work.
News of the product’s release sent Crapple stocks tumbling even lower, setting a new NYSE record at minus eight dollars a share. Crapple shareholders, already stung by having to pay five dollars a day per share simply to hold the stock, now have to pony up three more dollars.
Investor Pinky Middleton, who owns 3000 shares of Crapple, says, “I already sold my car and my house. Now I’ll need to take a home-equity loan out on my parent’s place.”
Still, he’s not giving up hope. “I’ll hang onto my shares for another year. If they don’t pick up after that… See ya, Crapple. I’m no idiot.”
Most economists and investment analysts consider Crapple to be the worst company on the planet. Indeed, last year, Crapple executives attempted an unsuccessful bid for a hostile giveaway of the company, but no other organization was stupid enough to take it. This, despite many companies being run by crack-headed incompetents bent on losing customers, putting out inferior garbage, and ruining once-respectable reputations, according to economists.
The Crapple organization isn’t interested in all the negative talk, says CEO Weber.
“We made a mistake with the DumbPhone,” he admits. “There aren’t enough dumb people. But there are tons of stupid people. We think this product will really find its niche there.”
Most DumbPhone sales last year were attributed to Crapple’s contract with the U.S. Military, which distributes the phones to terrorists in order to annoy them.
After we gave him coffee and dunked his head in a men’s room toilet, Weber remembered some key features of the StupidPhone:
“This is a real, working x-ray machine,” he says. “You can take see-through close ups of your friends’ organs and bones over and over and over again. It’s better than 3D. No other phone does that.”
“At the press of a button, a little Q-tip shoots out and cleans your ear while you talk. Don’t break it though. It’s not replaceable. And remember to switch ears once in a while. You don’t want the dirty one getting jealous.”
North Korean Internet
“We got the parts from our North Korean supplier,” says weber. “So it only comes with Google-North Korea. But you get a nice wallpaper of Dear Leader.”
He adds, “It’s actually the only wallpaper.”
He explains, “Whatever number you punch in, the phone dials a random different one. It’s wacky! This feature is always engaged, so it’s always fun.”
“There’s actually no phone service with the StupidPhone. We forgot to add that feature. Next time.”
That’s an admittedly glaring omission, but Weber sees a silver lining.
“We have a new slogan that goes, ‘StupidPhone… we will NEVER drop a call. Guaranteed.’”
Crapple is already working on next year’s iteration, which is tentatively called Stupid@#$@!Phone. Company executives say it will be made of coffee-flavored Jell-O.