THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Crapple finally releases StupidPhone

Posted by oldancestor on March 29, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Crapple CEO Potsie Weber

NEW YORK – Consumer electronics giant Crapple announced the release of their unawaited new multi-gadget handheld device, the StupidPhone, in New York City today. Company CEO  Potsie Weber was on hand to explain the features, but he appeared to be intoxicated and forgot what they were.

“Uuuuuhhhh,” he told reporters.

The StupidPhone, which replaces the DumbPhone, carries a suggested retail price of $129.99 and, like its predecessor, doesn’t work.

News of the product’s release sent Crapple stocks tumbling even lower, setting a new NYSE record at minus eight dollars a share. Crapple shareholders, already stung by having to pay five dollars a day per share simply to hold the stock, now have to pony up three more dollars.

Investor Pinky Middleton, who owns 3000 shares of Crapple, says, “I already sold my car and my house. Now I’ll need to take a home-equity loan out on my parent’s place.”

Still, he’s not giving up hope. “I’ll hang onto my shares for another year. If they don’t pick up after that… See ya, Crapple. I’m no idiot.”

Most economists and investment analysts consider Crapple to be the worst company on the planet. Indeed, last year, Crapple executives attempted an unsuccessful bid for a hostile giveaway of the company, but no other organization was stupid enough to take it. This, despite many companies being run by crack-headed incompetents bent on losing customers, putting out inferior garbage, and ruining once-respectable reputations, according to economists.

The Crapple organization isn’t interested in all the negative talk, says CEO Weber.

“We made a mistake with the DumbPhone,” he admits. “There aren’t enough dumb people. But there are tons of stupid people. We think this product will really find its niche there.”

Most DumbPhone sales last year were attributed to Crapple’s contract with the U.S. Military, which distributes the phones to terrorists in order to annoy them.

After we gave him coffee and dunked his head in a men’s room toilet, Weber remembered some key features of the StupidPhone:

X-Ray camera

“This is a real, working x-ray machine,” he says. “You can take see-through close ups of your friends’ organs and bones over and over and over again. It’s better than 3D. No other phone does that.”

Q-Tip extension

“At the press of a button, a little Q-tip shoots out and cleans your ear while you talk. Don’t break it though. It’s not replaceable. And remember to switch ears once in a while. You don’t want the dirty one getting jealous.”

North Korean Internet

“We got the parts from our North Korean supplier,” says weber. “So it only comes with Google-North Korea. But you get a nice wallpaper of Dear Leader.”

He adds, “It’s actually the only wallpaper.”

Random dial

He explains, “Whatever number you punch in, the phone dials a random different one. It’s wacky! This feature is always engaged, so it’s always fun.”

NoPhone

“There’s actually no phone service with the StupidPhone. We forgot to add that feature. Next time.”

That’s an admittedly glaring omission, but Weber sees a silver lining.

“We have a new slogan that goes, ‘StupidPhone… we will NEVER drop a call. Guaranteed.’”

Crapple is already working on next year’s iteration, which is tentatively called Stupid@#$@!Phone. Company executives say it will be made of coffee-flavored Jell-O.

****************************************************************

14 Responses to “Crapple finally releases StupidPhone”

  1. nrhatch said

    Bwahaha.

    BTW: The lawyers at Snapple considered suing Crapple for infringement of its intellectual property rights, before deciding to sue Apple instead. 😉

  2. Jackie Paulson 1966 said

    Ok, the stupid phone was made by some genius and I need to apply for the job, where can I sign up as a customer service agent to help others understand how to use the wonderful extra features it has?!!

  3. I dunno…Q-tips are such a personal thing, and what about the sanitary precautions..Are they disposable, where are the replacement tips located..ohh..too confusing for me.

    Now if it had a blow dryer attachment and lip gloss applicator…I’m in.

  4. The Hook said

    Always a pleasure..except when it isn’t.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: