THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Experts predict unprecedented weather catastrophe in next century

Posted by oldancestor on March 26, 2011

Also: Duke upset… What does it mean? See below.

 

By Eric J Baker

For hack artists, lightning bolts are the easiest weather phenomenon to draw

SILVER SPRING, MD – Meteorologists at the National Weather Service made a startling prediction today that, if true, will have far-reaching effects on global economic development, transportation, and modern lifestyle. Their claim?

By 2115, the world may run out of weather.

Speaking to reporters at National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) headquarters in Silver Spring, agency director Wendy Day said, “The rate at which modern humans are using weather cannot be sustained. Rain Tuesday and Wednesday, sun on Thursday, windy and cold on Friday… it’s irresponsible to say the least.”

Day also pointed out that, if people need an idea of what life would be like without weather, we need look no further than to our nearest neighbor in the sky, the moon, which is devoid of weather.

“Why do you think no one goes there anymore?” she said. “It sucks.”

Conservatives around the country rejoiced at the news.

“So I guess without weather, there’s no global warming,” Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann said in an interview that aired on Cartoon Network earlier tonight. “American colonists fought the British in Vietnam so we could be free of environmental regulations. Finally, 2000 years later, the victory is complete.”

Former Vice President Al Gore, who has devoted his energy to combating the alleged dangers of global warming in recent years, quickly called his own news conference following the NOAA prediction.

Speaking from his office in Nashville, Gore told reporters, “Global warming uses up weather faster than no global warming. You get extra weather now, no weather later. Not to be alarmist, but within 150 years, humans will be living as our cousins, the worms, do, crawling through the mud, blind and armless and legless, wallowing in our weatherless world of,” at which point everyone present drifted into a peaceful, uninterrupted sleep.

When we awoke, he was gone.

Though some scientists dispute the NOAA findings, Zeus, the king of the gods, believes the prediction has merit.

“I’ve been tossing lightning bolts at the Earth for eons,” he told The Anvil via telephone. “Every time I reached into the pile, there were always more. Until the other day, when I looked and thought, hmmm, there’s maybe only a hundred years’ worth left.”

He added, “Which is just as well, since I’m going to need rotator cuff surgery at some point from all this bolt throwing.”

*****************************************************************

Duke upset… what does it mean?

By Eric J Baker

DURHAM, UK – Sir Percival Pantywaist, the current Duke of Fluffington in Durham County, England, was upset yesterday when he spilled grape juice on his yellow velvet breeches, staining them.

Eyewitnesses said the Duke flitted his hands like a bird and stomped on the floor while shouting, “Oh crikey! It’s beastly I tell you. Just beastly!”

The velvet clothes worn by royal subjects in England are considered expensive and hard to replace when damaged, as they are often custom made.

Sir Edmund Bollocks, an expert on public figures in Great Britain, says Sir Percival is, “a complete pillow biter, don’t you think?”

So what does the Duke’s frustration mean for the future?

“It means I’ll be feeding that wanker grape juice with an eye dropper for the next six months,” said his only housekeeper, who declined to give her name for fear of being sacked.

19 Responses to “Experts predict unprecedented weather catastrophe in next century”

  1. nrhatch said

    Your posts are never as funny as I expect them to be . . . they are always TWICE as funny as one would imagine.

    It’s beastly. Just beastly.

    Stop being such a wanker.

  2. I love the GOREY details….

  3. Greg Camp said

    You gored my ox, since I do enjoy weather, and I firmly believe that the world was created specifically to please me.

  4. nrhatch said

    If you want a guest post:
    http://intergalacticwritersinc.wordpress.com/2011/03/28/ice-cream-consumption-linked-to-shark-attacks/

  5. The Hook said

    Very cool graphics!

  6. Will that drawing be available for purchase? Or is just going to be auctioned off at Sotheyby’s?🙂

    • I’m going to hang onto it for a while to increase the value. Hopefully, the ink will fade and I can use it again. Save me about 6 cents that way.

      Thank you for stopping by, LS. I intend to return to your little corner of the web and look around a bit as soon as I get a few minutes.

  7. Dear Mr. Baker: I do worry about the myth of a writhing “Global Worming.”.
    Of course, me being a Quaker, and a crazed Republican fanatical Bush cult follower, I think the Cold War style – Worm Scare– is a just a bunch of Bull Roar. Just as a real NASA moon landing. Or claiming that the PLO(Palm Beach Libertarian Organ-grinders) ever picked up a hitch hiking Patty Hurst, gave her a stylish beret, a money sack, and an assault rifle.
    Yet what if you, “Old Ancestor,” and your fellow Mao-Lenin liberals are right?
    What if an Ungodly Global Worming Sky Threat is a Biological Reality?What is there is an actual Armageddon Level Cladistic Class of Haplotaxida–Suborder:Lumbricina, “icky Nematodes in the sky” in our future?

    Now this is not personal, so don’t get defensive. I am merely attacking you as a person, Mr. Baker:

    Tell me Sir Eric, what is your Muslim President going to do about a World Nematode Crisis? He can’t just raise taxes and throw money at them, and maybe sacrifice a few social case workers, to our wriggling Pagan Overlords? That will only make them viscous.
    resident Osama Barack can’t just commit genocide on them with Health Care Death Squads. Those jack booted socialist mercenaries couldn’t even kill Sarah Palin’s Down Syndrome Baby. And it was sleeping.

    I can only hope the election comes first and Brings us the Tea Party before we fall prey to this fish-bait Armageddon from above. Only and Rifle Laden President Sarah Palin (and a resurrected Wiccan Vice President Christie O’Donnell) could save us from the Taxonomical Phylum of Annelids.

    I am angry. I seem to have forgotten why. But I think I have made my point.

    P.S. Great Article Eric. Your imagination rivals John Hodgman. (My Hero) Thanks for the entertainment.
    🙂

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