Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan join forces to battle Gaddafi
Posted by oldancestor on March 19, 2011
But where’s Kong?
By Eric J Baker
TRIPOLI – Super monsters Godzilla, Mothra, and Rodan launched a surprise joint attack against the forces of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi today in an apparent effort to aid pro-democracy rebels there. United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki Moon quickly condemned the monsters for acting outside the confines of international law.
“They [the monsters] have no authority to conduct an invasion of Libya,” Ban told reporters at UN headquarters in New York. “It says so on this piece of paper I’m holding.”
The arrival of the beasts in the North African country coincided with missile strikes carried out by the United States and its allies. Witnesses say Godzilla vaporized several Libyan tanks and artillery vehicles with his atomic breath, while Mothra and Rodan mostly flapped their wings, adding to the confusion.
Notably absent from the battle was the giant ape King Kong, who has professed neutrality in recent years and currently resides in Switzerland, a nation often referred to as ‘the Wisconsin of Europe’ for its cheese-making prowess.
During a televised interview today, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin called Kong, “the biggest coward since a bunch of socialists got together,” and later called for additional airstrikes against Switzerland.
The reclusive Godzilla is probably most famous for introducing the world to what historians call the Godzilla Doctrine, adding to an already overly long list of doctrines that are impossible to keep sorted.
“Well, you have the Monroe Doctrine, which is quite boring, really,” says historian Sir Edmund Bollocks. “There’s the Bush Doctrine, justifying preemptive war in cases of national security, and the Palin Doctrine, which amounts to jabbering on and on about a subject without knowledge of it. The Godzilla Doctrine basically says ‘show up unannounced and stomp the sh*t out of everything for no reason.’”
International affairs experts disagree on the motives behind the new monster alliance. Some believe the attack against Gaddafi is a reality show stunt, while others claim that Godzilla and Mothra are trying to help energize the stalled career of Rodan, who has never been able to achieve the popularity of his fellow giants.
Angry Pink Bunny, head writer for the fake news journal, The Avocado, has a different theory.
“If I were trying to figure out what kinds of articles might draw more readers to my blog, I’d probably look on the stats page to see the search engine phrases people have used recently,” he says. “And if I noticed that every single day, without fail, someone has typed in some bizarre search term related to Godzilla, I’d probably do a Godzilla article. I might even make sure the word ‘Godzilla’ appears numerous times.”
Other fake news journals, including The Anvil, dismiss the theory as unrealistic, given that anyone with journalistic integrity would continue composing thoughtfully crafted political satire that only a few loyal people read rather than throw one bizarre topic after another out there just to see what gets the most clicks.
[Speak for yourself – ed.]