THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan join forces to battle Gaddafi

Posted by oldancestor on March 19, 2011

But where’s Kong?

By Eric J Baker

 

Godzilla's Revenge: This man accepts his fate with typical Libyan stocism

TRIPOLI – Super monsters Godzilla, Mothra, and Rodan launched a surprise joint attack against the forces of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi today in an apparent effort to aid pro-democracy rebels there. United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki Moon quickly condemned the monsters for acting outside the confines of international law.

“They [the monsters] have no authority to conduct an invasion of Libya,” Ban told reporters at UN headquarters in New York. “It says so on this piece of paper I’m holding.”

The arrival of the beasts in the North African country coincided with missile strikes carried out by the United States and its allies. Witnesses say Godzilla vaporized several Libyan tanks and artillery vehicles with his atomic breath, while Mothra and Rodan mostly flapped their wings, adding to the confusion.

Notably absent from the battle was the giant ape King Kong, who has professed neutrality in recent years and currently resides in Switzerland, a nation often referred to as ‘the Wisconsin of Europe’ for its cheese-making prowess.

During a televised interview today, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin called Kong, “the biggest coward since a bunch of socialists got together,” and later called for additional airstrikes against Switzerland.

The reclusive Godzilla is probably most famous for introducing the world to what historians call the Godzilla Doctrine, adding to an already overly long list of doctrines that are impossible to keep sorted.

“Well, you have the Monroe Doctrine, which is quite boring, really,” says historian Sir Edmund Bollocks. “There’s the Bush Doctrine, justifying preemptive war in cases of national security, and the Palin Doctrine, which amounts to jabbering on and on about a subject without knowledge of it. The Godzilla Doctrine basically says ‘show up unannounced and stomp the sh*t out of everything for no reason.’”

International affairs experts disagree on the motives behind the new monster alliance. Some believe the attack against Gaddafi is a reality show stunt, while others claim that Godzilla and Mothra are trying to help energize the stalled career of Rodan, who has never been able to achieve the popularity of his fellow giants.

Angry Pink Bunny, head writer for the fake news journal, The Avocado, has a different theory.

“If I were trying to figure out what kinds of articles might draw more readers to my blog, I’d probably look on the stats page to see the search engine phrases people have used recently,” he says. “And if I noticed that every single day, without fail, someone has typed in some bizarre search term related to Godzilla, I’d probably do a Godzilla article. I might even make sure the word ‘Godzilla’ appears numerous times.”

Other fake news journals, including The Anvil, dismiss the theory as unrealistic, given that anyone with journalistic integrity would continue composing thoughtfully crafted political satire that only a few loyal people read rather than throw one bizarre topic after another out there just to see what gets the most clicks.

[Speak for yourself – ed.]

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26 Responses to “Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan join forces to battle Gaddafi”

  1. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    I think we should sent over Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian and have them locked in the same room with Gaddafi. If anyone one can make that moronic dictator go mental and run out of the country screaming, “I GIVE UP!” it would be those three.

    Side note: you would think that guy in the picture would see this massive tail and say, “Whoa. There’s this massive tail attached to a huge monster in front of me. Hm. Maybe I should walk on the other side of the block.” All I’m saying is Darwinism…it was only a matter of time.

  2. I think most people have a secret wish to be crushed by Godzilla’s tail. I plan to do post-graduate work on my theory as soon as a mad scientist is willing to put up the money.

  3. nrhatch said

    OMG, OA. You have outdone yourself! Seriously . . . your posts are brilliant.

    Notably absent from the battle was the giant ape King Kong, who has professed neutrality in recent years and currently resides in Switzerland, a nation often referred to as ‘the Wisconsin of Europe’ for its cheese-making prowess.

    “Well, you have the Monroe Doctrine, which is quite boring, really,” says historian Sir Edmund Bollocks. “There’s the Bush Doctrine, justifying preemptive war in cases of national security, and the Palin Doctrine, which amounts to jabbering on and on about a subject without knowledge of it. The Godzilla Doctrine basically says ‘show up unannounced and stomp the sh*t out of everything for no reason.’”

    Write on!

    • nrhatch said

      But wait! One more:

      Other fake news journals, including The Anvil, dismiss the theory as unrealistic, given that anyone with journalistic integrity would continue composing thoughtfully crafted political satire that only a few loyal people read rather than throw one bizarre topic after another out there just to see what gets the most clicks.

      Bwahahahahaha . . .

      You’re like the Energizer Bunny. You keep us going and going and going . . .

      • Thanks for appreciating. The best thing about fake news is the freedom to riff on things that have nothing to do with the article. In a real news story that mentions Switzerland’s neutrality, a line about swiss cheese would get axed by the second draft.

        Now if only I could have figured out a way to get Charlie Sheen into this story. As a tag, he’s good for an additional 100 views.

  4. The Hook said

    It’s nice to see monsters put their differences aside for the common good.

  5. Ouch….I feel the pain in my Blogging..is there a Doctrine in the house?

  6. Right now I’m searching Wikipedia for STOCISM…

  7. Greg Camp said

    King Kong, having relatives in the Congo that received aid from Gaddafi in overthrowing their democratically elected oppressors, has chosen to remain neutral, other than to fling poo at the Libyan dictator’s summer home on the shores of Lake Constance.

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