Transmissions from the alternate universe

Surprising results of Iowa straw poll

Posted by oldancestor on March 14, 2011

Also: Royal violence in London (see below)

By Eric J Baker

This man is so deformed his face looks like a question mark


CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – Pollsters were shocked today when the children of Mrs. Bluebonnets first grade class at West Captain Kirk Elementary School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa chose straight straws over curly ones by a two-to-one margin. It had been believed that most kids preferred the curly straws.

This throws the election landscape into total disarray, said political analyst Paul Naschy. Its completely shocking. Its also utterly unexpected. I have nothing to say, do I?

When asked why she chose the straight straws, Emma Jellybone, age 7, said, It takes too long to drink a milkshake with a curly one.

Emmas teacher, Mrs. Bluebonnet, was unwilling to say which straw she preferred but did say she thought the political analyst quoted in the second paragraph was an inarticulate buffoon.

Did you notice the redundancy, she said. Have you ever heard of partial disarray? Can something be kind of shocking or a little bit unexpected? The answer is no.

When asked to choose between Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, or any of the tall, handsome mainstream Republicans who actually have a snowballs chance in hell of getting the GOP nomination in 2012, Mrs. Bluebonnets kids picked straws again.

                                                           * * * * *


LONDON – Forces loyal to Queen Elizabeth II stormed Great Britains Parliament building today, briefly capturing it until they were beaten back by the armies of The Usurper, Prime Minister David Cameron.

Cameron appeared on BBC shortly after the battle to reassure Brits that government was functioning normally.

Queens are a ghastly nuisance, arent they? he said.

RAF pilots later bombed Windsor castle to, in Camerons words, make way for a lovely shopping commons and maybe some sort of aquarium or garden.

BBC political analyst Sir Edward Bollocks said the queens attack was not a serious attempt to win back authority for the monarchy.

She knows she cant win, said Bollocks. She just wants that tart of a future granddaughter-in-law [Kate Middleton, Prince Williams fiancé] to know who has the biggest family jewels.

When reached for comment, Middleton told us to Bugger off.


31 Responses to “Surprising results of Iowa straw poll”

  1. nrhatch said

    Loved your straw poll ~ unexpected and delightful.

    I was certain that curly straws would win the day . . . except when drinking milkshakes. 🙂

    As for the other article ~ mum’s the word.

  2. Greg Camp said

    You do realize that we curly straw supporters may have to resort to Second Amendment solutions if the rest of America doesn’t see the light. Yup, just as soon as I finish my sweet tea. . .

  3. I never liked curly straws.

  4. Straw polls – reminds me of one of my favorite all-time cartoons: A camel is seated in a wheelchair, with one of those orthopedic “haloes” screwed into his head. On a table across the room is a glass of water with a “bendy” straw in it. The camel glares silently at the straw, revenge in his eyes.

    Speaking of which, the poll was definitely rigged, because “bendy” straws were not included int eh vote – which i predict would have won hands down, so i for one, have completely tossed out the results of this incomplete poll, as another legally registered candidate was not included.

    I bet QEII attacked parliament because her favourite, (notice the correct British spelling – I’m no fool), the “bendy” straw was left out of the vote – even though it did take place in Iowa. She predicted a trend in such illegal polling. Doubtless, the proponents of such a skewed poll think that it was “bendy” straws in the hold of the Titanic that were responsible for sinking it.

    Also, did it even occur to the pollsters that both straight and curly straws are manufactured by the same straw company, which is, ironically, made of straw. The wolf hasn’t yet figured that out, but I digress. . .

    • Bendy straws are the mad bomb, yo!

      Thank you for the British spelling. You added a dash of colour to this post.

      So, even though there are two choices of straws, they’re really just the same thing at heart? Wow, there’s more political satire in this story than I thought.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: