Surprising results of Iowa straw poll
Posted by oldancestor on March 14, 2011
Also: Royal violence in London (see below)
By Eric J Baker
CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – Pollsters were shocked today when the children of Mrs. Bluebonnet’s first grade class at West Captain Kirk Elementary School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa chose straight straws over curly ones by a two-to-one margin. It had been believed that most kids preferred the curly straws.
“This throws the election landscape into total disarray,” said political analyst Paul Naschy. “It’s completely shocking. It’s also utterly unexpected. I have nothing to say, do I?”
When asked why she chose the straight straws, Emma Jellybone, age 7, said, “It takes too long to drink a milkshake with a curly one.”
Emma’s teacher, Mrs. Bluebonnet, was unwilling to say which straw she preferred but did say she thought the political analyst quoted in the second paragraph was an inarticulate buffoon.
“Did you notice the redundancy,” she said. “Have you ever heard of partial disarray? Can something be kind of shocking or a little bit unexpected? The answer is no.”
When asked to choose between Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, or any of the tall, handsome mainstream Republicans who actually have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting the GOP nomination in 2012, Mrs. Bluebonnet’s kids picked straws again.
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NEW BLOODSHED IN ENGLAND
LONDON – Forces loyal to Queen Elizabeth II stormed Great Britain’s Parliament building today, briefly capturing it until they were beaten back by the armies of The Usurper, Prime Minister David Cameron.
Cameron appeared on BBC shortly after the battle to reassure Brits that government was functioning normally.
“Queens are a ghastly nuisance, aren’t they?” he said.
RAF pilots later bombed Windsor castle to, in Cameron’s words, “make way for a lovely shopping commons and maybe some sort of aquarium or garden.”
BBC political analyst Sir Edward Bollocks said the queen’s attack was not a serious attempt to win back authority for the monarchy.
“She knows she can’t win,” said Bollocks. “She just wants that tart of a future granddaughter-in-law [Kate Middleton, Prince William’s fiancé] to know who has the biggest family jewels.”
When reached for comment, Middleton told us to “Bugger off.”