THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Pope performs exorcism on Charlie Sheen

Posted by oldancestor on March 11, 2011

Demon Rick James sent back to Hell

By Lacy Thundercake       

Performing exorcism: Almost as dangerous as driving taxi

LOS ANGELES – Pope Benedict made a rare appearance in Los Angeles yesterday to perform an exorcism on actor Charlie Sheen, who was believed to have been possessed by the evil spirit of late soul singer Rick James. The ceremony, which lasted four hours and was shown live on E! and MTV, began with an agitated Sheen urinating on the floor, which surprised no one. It ended with the Pontiff requesting the apparently cured actors autograph for his niece.

Sheens recent bizarre behavior – which included naked tirades, prostitute abuse, and calling TV producers who pay him millions of dollars to make snarky comments for a half hour a week clowns – was sufficient evidence for entertainment scientists to declare him possessed.  

Plus, his head was spinning and he was, like, singing, superfreak, superfreak,’” says Brandi Sparkleshadow, science consultant for the celebrity gossip web site TMZ. Or so I heard.

Pope Benedict, a catholic, arrived at LAX yesterday morning aboard the papal jet Gabriel One and met privately – and simultaneously -with both Sheen and the demon. Legendary boxing referee Mills Lane was also present to lay ground rules for the exorcism and, in the words of one eyewitness, to add an air of solemnity to the proceedings.

During the bout, Benedict chanted bible verses in Latin, a language the demon of Rick James did not appear to understand. The Pontiff was forced to conduct the remainder of the session in English, an archaic version of Jive. Later, referee Lane deducted a point from James for projectile vomiting, a form of demon counterattack that was outlawed in the 1970s.

Scientists are not sure how Rick James became a demon, but some Catholics believe that, when he passed away in 2004, his body transubstantiated into Pure Funk, leaving his cocaine-addled spirit free to possess the souls of celebrities such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and former vice presidential candidate John Edwards.

Others believe thats b*llsh*t.

Yesterdays exorcism ended on a quiet note when the Pope shook a wet microphone at Sheen, whose body went limp. The demon spirit of Rick James quickly boarded a funkadelic starship piloted by George Clinton, which blasted off before authorities could apprehend him.

According to eyewitnesses, a groggy Sheen later said, Wow, the last thing I remember was winning critical praise for Platoon.

* * * * *

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The Anvil extends sympathy to the victims and survivors of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan and hopes for the best as the people there begin to put their lives back together. We share one world. – OA

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25 Responses to “Pope performs exorcism on Charlie Sheen”

  1. nrhatch said

    BFF and I loved this! We think that you hit the nail on the head . . . and hit that demon out of the ballpark. Especially enjoyed your conjecture about Britney, Lindsey and Edwards.

    It’s been a hard day on the Planet. I needed a good laugh.

    • Glad you enjoyed. Whenever I click “publish,” I have no idea if the story is going to fly or crash.

      I did a post about the oil leak last spring that only got two clicks. It’s the perpetual doormat on my site stats page. Perhaps it was the around-the-clock yapping (with nothing to say) on the cable news channels that rendered that story inert. Who wants to read about something they don’t want to read about?

      Perhaps when my blogiversary comes next month, I’ll post a link to it, to show I’m a benevolent blog lord.

  2. Thanks Anvil. But glad you told me it was Rick James. When I saw the picture, I was inclined to think of Prince in his purple rain shirt.

    • Yes, I’d sack the artist for ineptitude, but we share the same body.

      The good news is, if I ever do a story about Prince, I’m 5 percent of the way toward rendering a realistic likeness.

  3. Hensatri said

    Haha “Pope Benedict, a catholic,”

    That cracked me up. I will be subscribing.

  4. Jackie Paulson 1966 said

    Your creative outlet is amazing. I perform exorcisms. LOL

  5. Jackie Paulson 1966 said

    I have to think about the cat exorcism that is the animal kingdom, and I am not so sure I have the ability to get demons out. Hum, let me get educated first.

  6. Michele said

    One good deed deserves another. Wandered into your blog and laughed myself sick.

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