Pope performs exorcism on Charlie Sheen
Posted by oldancestor on March 11, 2011
Demon Rick James sent back to Hell
By Lacy Thundercake
LOS ANGELES – Pope Benedict made a rare appearance in Los Angeles yesterday to perform an exorcism on actor Charlie Sheen, who was believed to have been possessed by the evil spirit of late soul singer Rick James. The ceremony, which lasted four hours and was shown live on E! and MTV, began with an agitated Sheen urinating on the floor, which surprised no one. It ended with the Pontiff requesting the apparently cured actor’s autograph for his niece.
Sheen’s recent bizarre behavior – which included naked tirades, prostitute abuse, and calling TV producers who pay him millions of dollars to make snarky comments for a half hour a week “clowns” – was sufficient evidence for entertainment scientists to declare him possessed.
“Plus, his head was spinning and he was, like, singing, ‘superfreak, superfreak,’” says Brandi Sparkleshadow, science consultant for the celebrity gossip web site TMZ. “Or so I heard.”
Pope Benedict, a catholic, arrived at LAX yesterday morning aboard the papal jet Gabriel One and met privately – and simultaneously -with both Sheen and the demon. Legendary boxing referee Mills Lane was also present to lay ground rules for the exorcism and, in the words of one eyewitness, “to add an air of solemnity to the proceedings.”
During the bout, Benedict chanted bible verses in Latin, a language the demon of Rick James did not appear to understand. The Pontiff was forced to conduct the remainder of the session in English, an archaic version of Jive. Later, referee Lane deducted a point from James for projectile vomiting, a form of demon counterattack that was outlawed in the 1970s.
Scientists are not sure how Rick James became a demon, but some Catholics believe that, when he passed away in 2004, his body transubstantiated into Pure Funk, leaving his cocaine-addled spirit free to possess the souls of celebrities such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and former vice presidential candidate John Edwards.
Others believe that’s b*llsh*t.
Yesterday’s exorcism ended on a quiet note when the Pope shook a wet microphone at Sheen, whose body went limp. The demon spirit of Rick James quickly boarded a funkadelic starship piloted by George Clinton, which blasted off before authorities could apprehend him.
According to eyewitnesses, a groggy Sheen later said, “Wow, the last thing I remember was winning critical praise for Platoon.”
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The Anvil extends sympathy to the victims and survivors of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan and hopes for the best as the people there begin to put their lives back together. We share one world. – OA