Transmissions from the alternate universe

Pacifist serial killers struggle to find identity

Posted by oldancestor on March 8, 2011

An Anvil special report

By Eric J Baker

Lesser fake news journals make "cereal" killer jokes

John Wayne Gacy.  Jeffrey Dahmer. Dick Cheney.

The mere mention of their names sends chills down the spines of most Americans. Those of us old enough to have lived through the discovery of these madmens heinous crimes will never forgot the horrors: Dozens of bodies shoved in the crawlspace under a house. Dismembered victims hauled out of an apartment in barrels. No-bid contracts in Iraq.

We are left to wonder what new face will one day join the gallery of psychopaths? What crazed lunatic is still out there, eluding the authorities, ready to strike again?

But are those the questions we should be asking? Despite investigative reporters continuing to rely on clichéd phrases for awkward segues, times change. The Anvil took to the streets to discover what life is like for the postmodern serial killer, and our findings might surprise you.

Im conflicted, says Ned, a serial killer from Dallas, Texas. I hate violence. You might call me a conscientious objector, I suppose. But, at the same time, Im a psychotic murderer. Its tough.

Ned, a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line, says that hes met other men at serial-killer bars who consider themselves part of a new, pacifist generation of serial murderers.

To investigate his assertion, we went to a popular dive for deranged lunatics in downtown Cincinnati, Ohio called Splatter Petes, where we met Steve, a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line.

Steve told us, I am totally a pacifist. Just because I have 20 bodies buried in my back yard doesnt mean Im not a gentle creature. Did you know I volunteer at a soup kitchen and build houses for Habitat for Humanity? I love people.

Steve laments that he cant find a way to reconcile his non-violent nature with his murdering.

Im what you fancy writers call a paradox. And I wish there was something I could do about it.

There may be hope for men like Steve. A company in Moscow, Russia called Krazee Alexis has started producing a line of products targeted at the pacifist serial killer market, including their flagship item, a life-sized prostitute doll that fits perfectly in the passenger seat of a pick-up truck and can be strangled over a hundred times on one nine-volt battery.  To satisfy the pacifist, every time she is killed, Krazee Alexis releases a cage full of doves and broadcasts an Art Garfunkel song on satellite radio.

With a list price of $3,999, plus international shipping, Anna Karenina  isnt cheap, but we were able to track down at least one satisfied customer.

Joe, a 35-year-old white male loner who drives a pick-up truck and works on an assembly line, bought one last summer and hasnt murdered since.

Those guys over at Krazee Alexis are great, he says. Theyre coming out with a model next year that shoots rose petals when you stab it. If thats not peace and love, I dont know what is.

Not all serial killers are buying into the pacifist movement, though.

I think its plain, old stupid, says Susan Blais, an evil landlady and serial murderer who owns an apartment building  in Hollywood, California. I got bodies stacked up to the ceiling in the basement of this rats nest, and Id have more, but the ceiling doesnt go any higher.

After taking a drag of her Cuban cigar and spitting, she adds, Im gonna need a bigger building.

Dont miss part 2 of our special report tomorrow, when her tenant, who would only identify himself as James, complains of the smell.



34 Responses to “Pacifist serial killers struggle to find identity”

  1. nrhatch said

    I’m asleep on my feet and shall have to postpone the pleasure of reading this until tomorrow.


  2. Greg Camp said

    You ought to think carefully about letting in the uninitiated on this topic. You may be put to a peaceful sleep. . .

    • You mean the secret security forces of Dick Cheney are monitoring my every move?

      *looks over shoulder*

      Darn it, I thought that fembot assassin was just an out-of-my-league supermodel who was inexplicably attracted to me. Curse you, Mr. Vice President, and your advanced methods.

  3. Speaking of serial Killers…what happened to the toys at the bottom of the box..?

  4. […] me having the last word about my soon-to-be-former landlady Susan Blais, but my virtual friend Old Ancestor.  I am pleased I have provided him with a worthy muse, and apologize for retiring her as a […]

    • I’d love a comment, James, since I spill my guts over on PFC everyday, but I have been mentioned in three of your posts. I’ll take that as a bigger compliment.

      If anyone is paying attention, James K of Pure Film Creative is a talented and accomplished filmmaker and producer as well as a great writer. However, his blog, while brilliant, is not the softball humor I lob here. Click at your own peril. And if you are offended by the copious profanity and trashing of sacred institutions, don’t take it out on me. You were warned.

  5. Charlywalker, you got the last word! My comments can only nest 10 deep.

    Does that even make sense? The internets are weird.

  6. The Hook said

    Life isn’t easy for a serial killer, is it?

  7. That was brilliant.

    • Thanks, Hansen. How’s your children’s book coming along, by the way?

      • My Book has been banned in 5 languages so far. I am marketing toward Malaysia where the sweat shops are required by law to offer child workers reading materials and foot massagers.

        Thanks for your reply Oldancestor.
        I think you should put all of your posts into a self – published book and put it on Amazon. I have friends who have done that and they are making money with what I think was a minimum investment.

        I will buy one. Put me on your mailing list if you do.

        Sorry for the late reply. I somehow missed your reply to my last.

  8. OldAncestor

    First response, just blurt it out if you wish to play the brain burst game:

    Question: Can you make a satirical title headline using “Mrs. Dash”?

    I like how your mind works. If you choose to play or not, thanks either way.
    You can ask me any question if you respond to mine.

    • Answer: Certainly

      “100 Yard Dash converts to metric system; Mrs. Dash vows divorce”

      Question: Is a brain burst anything like what happens in the movie Scanners?

      • I love Mrs. Dash’s Headline! Kudos

        I’m sorry I did not tell you what brain burst is,
        Brain Burst is a new line of candies from the Star Burt company. Brain Burt, which fills the mouth with a delicious “burst of Brain flavor,”really tastes like real Human grey matter. It is designed to target a niche market base of clients in the zombie and cannibalistic serial killers sector — as well as tribes of true cannibals in the Papua New Guinea forest areas (these cannibalistic tribes cannot tell the difference between the taste of missionary brains and original Brain Burt flavor, in blind folded taste tests.
        Original Brain flavor was so popular that a new fruity Brain flavor line has been planned. Stilted for May, Star Burst will be releasing “3 Fruity Brain Flavors:” Fruity Frontal Lobe, Citrus Cortex, and Mango Medulla Oblongata.
        Note that Brain Burst is not the same as the Starbucks Cappuccino with 22 extra shots. Star Bust has recently sued Starbucks for copyright infringement.
        Enjoy the smart new candy “Brain Burt” coming soon!

        • My friend works for the flavor company that supplies the taste ingredients for Brain Burt. This is proprietary, so don’t tell anyone, but the way they get the flavor is by bringing stupid people into the warehouse and saying, “Wow. Your head is big. I’ll bet you a buck you can’t fit your cranium into my head grinder over here.”

          It should be noted that stupid brains and smart brains taste exactly the same.

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