THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

5 Myths about Life in America

Posted by oldancestor on March 5, 2011

By Lennie

The Kraken is a myth. Or is it?

It’s hard to believe that, in the age of instant worldwide communication and information access, so many Americans still cling to outmoded beliefs that have long been disproven by modern science. Below are the 5 most common misconceptions of our society and the real truth behind the fallacy. So, are you one of the mindless lemmings who continue to swallow and regurgitate this bunk, or are you a pioneer of analytical thought, like we in the news media? Read on, but don’t e-mail me if you are depressed about being in the first category. It’s your own fault.

***

Myth: Everyone gets 15 minutes of fame

Truth: Everyone gets 16 minutes of fame

Dr. Hans Cliché of the BF Finster Institute in Zurich identified the additional minute in 2005 by conducting a regression analysis of reality show performers’ careers and creatively-bereft writers’ resultant commentary. At the time the discovery was announced, Cliché said, “Andy Warhol used the imperial system in his equations, yet he was borrowing data derived using metric. How many lives have been lost because of this?”

Bianca Rote, who blogs about the entertainment industry, was annoyed when told about the misconception yesterday.

“Do you know how many ‘5’ keys I’ve had to replace on my keyboard in the past six years?” she asks. “Why didn’t this information get out before now?”

We tried to contact Dr. Cliché for an answer, but his 16 minutes were up.

***

Myth: There are 9 ways to Sunday

Truth: There are 8 ways to Sunday

Until engineers construct the proposed tunnel between Philadelphia and Minneapolis, we’re stuck with eight. Funding problems suggest we’ll be waiting a long time.

***

Myth: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure

Truth: Ongoing treatment of chronic conditions with expensive pharmaceuticals is worth more than your insurance company will pay

As long as the Chinese government continues suppressing the value of its currency in order to increase exports, ratios of cure and prevention will be in flux. At press time, 2.3 ounces of prevention was worth a pound of cure.

***

Myth: Sliced bread is a good invention

Truth: Legos are a good invention

Nothing sends more people into emergency rooms across the country every year than bread-slicing accidents. People should eat loafs of bread whole, the way they come out of the ground. Anyway, all the nutrition is in the skin.

Meanwhile, Legos are fun for children and adults and last forever.

***

Myth: Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Truth: Less than eight hours of sleep makes you grumpy and more likely to have a car accident

Last week, I went to bed early and missed the end of the Academy Awards, so I didn’t know who won. Then I got up while it was still dark and hit my head on the edge of the halfway-open door because I couldn’t see it. I had to put an ice pack on my head and forgot all about going to work, so my boss docked my pay.

Do I sound wise, healthy, or wealthy?

***

How about you? What stupid things do you still believe? Leave a comment so the rest of us can mock you in public.

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24 Responses to “5 Myths about Life in America”

  1. nrhatch said

    Good start!
    Here’s a few more for your consideration:

    Myth: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
    Truth: Out of sight, out of mind.

    Myth: It takes a village to raise a child.
    Truth: Too many cooks spoil the broth.

    Myth: The sky is falling! The sky is falling!
    Truth: It just looks that way due to rising see levels.

    Myth: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
    Truth: Humpty Dumpty got drunk, and started stalking Chicken Little, while chanting, “Which came first? The chicken or the egg.” Chicken Little crossed the road (to get to the other side), Humpty followed, lost his footing, and got run over by a Lorry Driver.

  2. Jackie Paulson 1966 said

    Myth:Life is hard
    Truth: It Kills you

    Myth: Never Complain
    Truth: Never Explain

    Which side of the handle of a pitcher is the handle on?
    On the OUTSIDE.

  3. Myth: A penny saved is a penny earned.

    Truth: A penny saved is pitiful.

    • Unless you put it in one of those penny crusher things at the I-95 rest stop in Maryland. Then you have yourself a nice little souvenir.

      Not only is that expression pitiful, it doesn’t make sense. A penny saved is not a penny earned. You already had the penny. If I don’t spend my penny every day for the year, will I have $3.65 at the end of the year? No. I’ll have a penny.

      Thank you for bringing this concern to the attention of our readers. Consider yourself an honorary investigative journalist.

  4. The Hook said

    I loved Clash of the Titans as a kid! Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

    • You mean all I had to do was post the pic and could have skipped writing the article?😉

      That’s it folks, the new Anvil format is DVD box covers. I’ll leave lots of white space so you can write the article right on your monitor with permanent marker. Please follow my rules and don’t use profanity.

      Seriously, thanks for visiting and commenting. And I hope you didn’t mind my cannibalism comments on your site. But you can’t call your blog entry, “Old People: Threat or Menace” without inviting such talk from your mentally unhinged readers like me.

  5. charlywalker said

    An ounce of prevention……..what if we change it to Metric…

    spread the humor; charlywlaker.wordpress.com

  6. nrhatch said

    OA ~ I’m adding you to my blog roll. Please let me know if the link needs any changes.

  7. Well, I was going to leave a comment, but now I am intimidated by all the clever ones that came before.
    P.S. LEGOS really hurt if you step on them, which is why they were banned from our home for a long time. Now we have them, but the kids just break stuff apart and lose the pieces. We don’t have the “builder” variety of kids, we have the “destroyer” variety of kids. A LEGO bought is a LEGO lost…plus our feet hurt.
    Actually,I like LEGOs and I am comfortable with unsliced bread, so I cannot dispute your claims.

    • Lego imbedded in the foot… that is the hidden danger. If, as a society, we can remember to keep our loose legos off the floor and in a bucket, the world will be a better place.

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