Transmissions from the alternate universe

Oscar recap: Male-female co-host experiment is a disaster!

Posted by oldancestor on February 28, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake


Wolfman, winner of the Best Make-up Oscar


LOS ANGELES – ABC producers have to be lamenting their decision to hire Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan as co-hosts of the 83rd Annual Academy Awards, which aired Sunday night. What  started as a promising idea ended in disaster when the erratic stars stayed true to recent form and nearly sank the broadcast with their bizarre behavior.

Sheen, whose sitcom, What Happened to Emilio?, has been put on hiatus for the remainder of the television season, showed up 20 minutes late, forcing producers to fill the gap with old Popeye cartoons. The troubled actor walked on stage fully nude and, instead of delivering a monologue, beat up a prostitute and shouted profanities for 5 minutes. He was arrested and taken into custody by police just before the Best Animated Short film award was announced, prompting presenter Tom Hanks to quip, What the f**k? 

Audiences were shocked when many of the favorites in the major award categories, including Natalie Portman for Best Actress and The King’s Speech for Best Picture, failed to capture statuettes. It was later alleged that Sheens co-host, Lohan, had stolen the sealed envelopes announcing the winners and replaced them with her own. The originals were found in the trunk of Lohans car, which she initially claimed was not hers, despite the registration card in the glove compartment with her name on it.

She later said, Me and Price Waterhouse Cooper are, like, really good friends, so I was just borrowing the envelopes from him. 

To her credit, the plucky star finished her hosting duties without the help of Sheen.

Despite the grumbling of some nominees who walked away from the awards ceremony empty handed, ABC producers said that, once a winners name is read on the air, the victory is official. With that in mind, here are yesterdays winners in the major categories:

Best Supporting Actress – Lindsay Lohan, Machete

Best Supporting Actor Actress Part II – Lindsay Lohan, Freaky Friday

Best Actress – Lindsay Lohan, I Know Who Killed Me

Best Actor Actress Part II – Lindsay Lohan, Herbie Fully Loaded

Best Director – Lindsay Lohan 

­Best Film – Lindsay Lohan


25 Responses to “Oscar recap: Male-female co-host experiment is a disaster!”

  1. nrhatch said


    This sounds more enticing than the actual ceremony. I tried to watch it . . . but the over-inflated egos and poofy hairstyles kept blocking my view of reality.

    • Awards shows are so self-congratulatory that I can’t watch them. I respect acting as a craft just like I do writing and painting and musicianship and so on, but it’s not like these folks are curing disease or freeing political prisoners.

  2. The Hook said

    Very cool blog! I would rather have watched that telecast.

  3. Erika said

    The Academy should allow someone to mock with her show for real, since they’re mocking it in a not-so-funny way, funnyless way indeed.
    Sheen and Lohan would not only get arrested or steal the envelopes, they would steal the show for themselves… literally… even that, for this, they decide to slap each other in stage, what may be not so interesting. But I think this would be a nice way to the Academy realize the show must be changed, with performers and hosts that really know how to make us laugh.
    Congratulations for your version of the awards night – why don’t you tell everybody that were tickets available? I’m pretty sure this should be the first – and funny – ‘boycott’ to the red carpet show!

  4. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    I knew that Lindsay would be awesome for The King’s Speech! With all those drugs in the system, I’m sure she already slurs and stutters. She wouldn’t have to act. Not like that Colin Firth. ::shakes fist in the air::

    • Plus, King Edward* was actually a woman. That’s the story they didn’t tell!

      *I didn’t see the movie and don’t really know the King’s name. I stopped following the monarchy after the Tudors trashed Richard the Third.

  5. Greg Camp said

    What I’d like is a “Movies Worth Watching” award. That wouldn’t be as glamorous, but it would be a short program.

    • I thimk they should have a 30-second timer. You give out an award, it resets. They’d pretty much have to toss the statuette into the crowd, because there would be no time for the winner to get up.

  6. postadaychallenge2011 said

    Ok, Sheen is one of my fav’s. He is having an “off” season, we all do. Martin Sheen I admire! I don’t own a tv missed all that fun stuff…lol, did I miss anything? No not really. I guess if you didn’t post about this, then I’d be in the “wilderness.” Something to learn every day by your writing. Maybe I should come write for you?! Well, you keep up the posts, because I love to read them! 🙂

    • I didn’t watch it either, to be honest. I heard it was even more dull than usual. I like my version better (though I wouldn’t want a prostitute to get beaten up).

      Go ahead and write some fake news. It’s liberating.

      • postadaychallenge2011 said

        Ok I will have to come up with some creative stuff…I might make a Page: on that! Hum pondering that. I can post tons of thoughts that way. My mind races! Here I go another day and wondering how to add all that into the laundry, cleaning, cooking, errands, reading, stop by landlord for signing my papers, and what have you…. there are topics right there…yeee haw! 🙂 Jackie

  7. I can’t take my eyes off your Gravitar. Who does the art work, it’s stun-ning…

    spread the humor.

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