New disease threat for the 21st century
Posted by oldancestor on February 25, 2011
By Eric J Baker
WASHINGTON DC – It’s no secret that America’s rising obesity epidemic has been accompanied by growing incidences of heart failure, diabetes, and stroke. Now medical researchers are reporting a new, even deadlier obesity-related disease that threatens to become the worst health scourge of the century: Extra-Large Pox.
Unlike its more diminutive cousin, small pox, extra-large pox targets mostly the overweight. The pox can range in size from a tea cup saucer to a manhole cover, depending on the girth of the sufferer. The wounds often pass entirely through the victim’s body, allowing relatives to peak through and wave to someone taking a picture on the other side.
“It’s humiliating,” says extra-large pox sufferer Bertha Quake, 31, who weighed 605 pounds before the disease struck. “My nephews shoot nerf darts through my belly, and I have to just stand there in the middle of the room like a big ol’ Hasbro accessory.”
Since what happens to skinny, pretty people is more newsworthy, we asked Dr. Carl Hill of Miskatonic University in Massachusetts what we should expect if someone skinny and pretty like Megan Fox or Olivia Wilde acquired extra-large pox.
“Wow. You’re talking about entire heads or torsos just popping out of existence,” he explains. “Small pox is bad enough, like a size two maybe. With XLP, you’re talking about a size 16. Even 18.”
When asked just how deadly this insidious demon was, Dr. Hill said, “Well, you really shouldn’t attribute malevolent will to a disease. A virus has no brain, so you’re really just empowering the condition by making it sound so evil, which does no favors for the victim.”
He went on to say, “Think of an illness as,” at which point we stopped recording because he wasn’t saying anything that will scare readers.
A bizarre mutation of extra-large pox has already emerged this winter, which scientists are calling Tron Pox, or TP for short. TP causes it’s victims to be reduced to binary code and disappear into their video game consoles, where they must become part of the cyber action and kill or be killed. The illness is most prevalent among teenage boys, with reports surfacing that many of the victims are attempting to acquire it on purpose.
Adults of all weight categories are susceptible to yet another variation of the virus known as Turbo Pox, which causes no physical symptoms but may result in paranoid fantasies about being audited.
Dr Hill says the best protection against Turbo Pox is to save your receipts.
If all those poxes weren’t frightening enough, a new animal influenza virus is making the rounds in Europe. Just as with Bird Flu and Swine Flu, Loch Ness Monster Flu will probably kill half the people on Earth by next year.
So far limited to one case in Scotland, the disease has already hurt the tourism industry there.
Scotty Scottsmeyer, a loch operator who works the afternoon shift at Loch Ness, tells The Anvil, “So round about every three years er so, aye, Nessie pops ‘er head up, gives me a stare like she’s gonna bite off me baw bag, but she never does, given that we have an understanding. Only this time, a couple days ago, she looks all peelly wally, like she’s gonna boak right there in the water. Her eyes is all crusty and she’s got a snout full of bogie.”
He added, “Ah’m no banger, so Ah scooted right off, had a few bellywashers, and called the CDC.”
An official at the Edinburgh office of the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) said Scottsmeyer was “talking gob shite,” which we can only assume means Loch Ness Monster Flu is highly contagious and likely to kill tens, if not hundreds of millions of people this year.
Editorial note: Today’s image by Ethan B. Weinrib