Transmissions from the alternate universe

Economists warn of job losses in evil dictator industry

Posted by oldancestor on February 22, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Idi Amin, former dictator of Uganda, living in exile on Planet X


WASHINGTON DC – The rising tide of civil unrest across the Middle East and northern Africa may bode well for democracy, but it isn’t doing much to help jobless figures. Each time a brutal regime is overthrown, say economists, another name goes on the unemployment roll.

“It’s true,” says Mary Smith, an economist.

While she may feel comfortable showing a flippant, heartless attitude when discussing people’s ruined careers and lost dreams, the grim news is hitting close to home for some.

“I hate being a statistic,” says Hosni Mubarak, 82, who recently lost his job as oppressive ruler of Egypt. “I want to work, but who is going to hire me at my age when some kid fresh out of college is willing to crush rebellion and stifle freedom for a quarter of my salary?”

Skeletor, who briefly ruled Eternia before being overthrown by He-Man (also not elected) two years ago, claims to have turned in over 200 applications since then without landing a single job interview.

“I’ve commanded legions of beasts. I’ve turned skies black. I’ve laid siege to magic castles,” he says. “But will anyone hire me? No. I also have a masters degree in business administration, by the way.”

Even those still employed in the industry are feeling the pressure. Muammar Gaddafi, who has ruled Libya for over 40 years, says can feel change in the air.

“Sure, I go on TV and say, ‘dissent will not be tolerated, you infidel dogs,’ or ‘you guys are about to accidentally open up a big can of whoop-ass that cannot be closed,’” he told The Anvil today via telephone from his home in Tripoli. “But, realistically, they’ll probably shoot me one of these days.”

Gaddafi adds with a laugh, “At least I hope they shoot me! What else can I do for a living?  Barista at Starbucks? Oppressing people and sponsoring terrorism is all I know.”

Other economists, who are not such icy bitches as Mary Smith, sympathize with the plight of Mubarak and others but also believe the evil dictator industry has not changed with the times.

Ricky Roma of Mitch and Murray, a New York-based economic policy think tank, says, “Kids don’t get into the language of evil dictators these days.  Look at the guy in North Korea, what’s his name. The deadbeat. Kim something. He says, ‘I, your dear leader, will wield the mighty sword of the free workers to combat the enemies of justice bla bla bla. Who tawks like that?”

Roma says young people are the consumers who drive the world leader market these days. “They want someone edgy and hip, not some weirdo in a Cossack uniform who listens to Edith Piaf records and collects antique deep-sea-diving helmets.”

When asked who he thinks will be the next ruler of North Korea will be, Roma smiles and says, “Kanye, of course. You ask me twelve, fifteen years ago, I say Prince. But it’s Kanye. Don’t quote me.”

Don’t miss Part Two of our one-part series on evil dictators tomorrow, when we interview Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, Than Shwe of Myanmar, and the editor of The Anvil.

[Perhaps you should start preparing a story on unemployed journalists. You can file it freelance- ed.]


25 Responses to “Economists warn of job losses in evil dictator industry”

  1. nrhatch said

    Wow! You almost make them seem worthy of our sympathy ~ imagine having to job hunt at age 82. 🙂

    • Aside from the brutal oppression, the jailing of political enemies, the stifling of the press, the fraudulent elections, and the hoarding of wealth while ordinary citizens live in squalor, they ain’t so bad. Kind of cuddly, even.

      Darn, this economy has robbed perfectly good dictators of an honest living. I’m just proud to be able to tell their story to the world.

  2. jeanie said

    Do you know where I should send my resume to apply for that now vacant “Oppressive ruler of Egypt” position? I searched on Monsterjobs and Career zilch!

  3. jeanie said

    I’d like to apply for that now vacant “Oppressive Ruler of Egypt” position.
    How’s the pay? benefits?
    Where should I send my resume?

  4. nrhatch said

    OA ~

    Here’s a post right up your alley:

  5. Greg Camp said

    So I’m willing to oppress people and crush rebellion for a quarter of Mubarak’s salary. Where do I apply?

  6. Chad said

    My brother always laughed at me while he was earning his Despotism degree. (Evil laughter is now a mandatory part of the course.) Now, he can’t find a decent placement anywhere, and who’s laughing now?

  7. Actually, Gadaffi is sitting in the cat-bird seat: Even if and when he flees, he’ll still have tons of himself left behind to continue the horror: Kadaffi, Qadafi, Ghadaffhi, Gadaflyfi, Gokerflooey, Gadzookshi!. . .etc. That’s one great thing about never confirming the spelling of your name.

  8. The Hook said

    There’s always a downside to a regime change, isn’t there?

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