Valentine’s Day Horror!
Posted by oldancestor on February 15, 2011
Valentine’s Day is thought by many to be a day of tragedy and terror, and this February 14th was no different. The Anvil has scoured the Earth (and beyond) to find the most heinous events and dreadful happenings this dark day could throw at us in 2011. But we decided to print these stories instead:
Jason Voorhees arrested for shoplifting
CRYSTAL LAKE, NJ – It took a mall security guard to do what has eluded police and FBI agents for 30 years: Capture the world’s most notorious serial killer, Jason Voorhees.
Voorhees, 61, was apprehended at Jenny’s Hallmark at the Crystal Lake Commons in northern New Jersey on Monday after mall security guard Carlos McGillicuddy witnessed the hockey-mask-wearing murderer shove a roll of wrapping paper and a box of candy hearts down the front of his pants.
“I saw this big guy in a mask looking around and acting nervous,” says McGillicuddy. “He just seemed suspicious, so I nabbed him.”
It was only after police came that the security guard realized he had captured the psychopath responsible for the deaths of over 412 horny camp counselors since 1981.
Officers later found Voorhees’ cabin in the nearby woods, where they discovered numerous items stolen from stores at the mall. Many of the pilfered products appeared to be several years old.
“We know that the suspect [Voorhees] kills teenagers every time the 13th of the month fall on a Friday,” Crystal Lake Police Chief Steve Miner told reporters yesterday. “Now we realize that, every time the 14th of the month falls on a Monday, he steals something from the mall.”
He also said, “Who knows what horrors the other days hold.”
A hero’s parade in honor of the mall security guard was cancelled when authorities learned that he had not waited for Voorhees to exit the Hallmark store before apprehending him. Voorhees was later released on his own recognizance.
“I know it’s tough to swallow,” said Police Chief Miner, “But the guard should have waited for the guy to exit the store. In the eyes of the law, nothing was stolen.”
* * *
Valentine’s day sales flat on Mars
OLYMPUS MONS, MARS – Despite a slowly rebounding economy here on Earth, retail sales for the Valentine’s Day holiday on the red planet were sluggish, as they have been for years.
“Man, I’m sitting on a huge inventory of heart-shaped boxes of chocolate,” says Santa Claus, manager at a local Target store. “I can’t figure out why no one wants ‘em. Everybody loves candy.”
His sentiments were echoed by flower-shop proprietor Pinky Middleton.
“I can’t get rid of these roses,” he says. “People bought up all the yellow ones, but the petals are falling off these red ones.”
A retail item’s popularity on Earth does not always translate into sales on our neighboring world. Popular-on-Earth cereal Lucky Charms expires on Martian store shelves while Cheerios and Rice Krispies fly out the door. Ditto for Coca-cola, one of best selling beverages on our world. On Mars, Pepsi and Mountain Dew rule. Other sluggish sellers include Frank’s Red Hot, Red bell peppers, and gift cards to Red Lobster.
“I’m looking for a common denominator,” laments Claus. “But I can’t. It’s like Martians want nothing to do with these items.”
* * *
Fake News blogger forced by wife to post Valentine’s Day story a day late
CYBERIA – A fake news blogger – who was unwilling to give his name – says that he would have posted his Valentine’s Day-themed blog on Valentine’s Day if he were single, but, as a married man, there was no way in hell it was going to happen.
“Ideally, you want to post your blog when your subject is most topical,” he says. “Particularly for holidays. But wives aren’t too keen on spending Valentine’s Day watching free on-demand TV while their fake-news blogging husbands peck away on the computer in the desperate hope that somebody will find something, anything he wrote at least slightly funny.”
Indeed. A Valentine’s Day blog posted on February 15th is about as useful as a pecker on a pope, bogging experts believe. Which forces the question, why not write the blog ahead of time and post it on the correct day, since it’s completely made up anyway?
In response our inquiry, the unnamed blogger was only willing to say, “Uh…”