Transmissions from the alternate universe

Dozens of Human Heads Found

Posted by oldancestor on February 12, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Other types of heads

In what scientists are calling the greatest intellectual awakening since Americans realized they could have had a V8, dozens of knee-jerk reactionaries ran their hands up their bodies yesterday and discovered they had heads sitting atop their necks.

“It’s amazing,” said Ben Tramer, a former jerk. “As soon as I realized I was able to think, I understood that social issues and events have many dimensions, and that people with opposing positions can both make good points.”

He went on say that he no longer blamed President Obama for his uncle being laid off in 2007.

Trixie Bumbershoot, who, like Tramer, was until very recently a jerk, says, “Before I found my head, I automatically said everything bad that happened in the past eleven years was George W Bush’s fault. Including my three DUI convictions. It turns out I was just being a selfish idiot.”

Science is at a loss to explain the unusual discovery. Dr. Carl Hill of Miskatonic University in Massachusetts, an expert on heads, says more research is needed.  

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” he told The Anvil via telephone this morning. “One minute, thousands of people are posting misinformed, all-caps, emotion-driven comments on Yahoo, and the next minute, dozens of them, maybe 24 to 36, started using logic.”

In scientific terms, one dozen is generally thought to equal twelve.

“What I’d really like to do is remove those people’s heads and dissect them,” explains Dr. Hill. “It’s the only way to be sure of what chemical changes took place. Of course, I’d reattached them afterward. ‘First, do no harm,’ as they say, eh? Ha. Ha.”

Despite the presumed danger, some of those who underwent the sudden change are eager to partake in Dr. Hill’s experiment.

“I used to blame Bill Clinton for all my troubles,” says former loudmouth Otis Tool. “And my buddy Henry [widely viewed as a belligerent ignoramus until yesterday] said Reagan was nothing but pure evil. Now, thanks to our awakening, we’re curious to see what caused the change.”

He later added, “Yeah, I’ll give head for science.”

While some readers may view the spontaneous head discovery as promising, scientists warn there are still millions out there who refuse to consider gathering facts, seeking alternate opinions, and respecting others’ beliefs.

Indeed, 108-year-old Toronto native Pinky Middleton maintains that President James Garfield, who served a scant 200 days in office in 1881, is to blame for World War II, design flaws in the Ford Pinto, and the underperformance of Prince of Persia: Sands of Time at the box office.

“This country was a paradise until he [Garfield] gave government workers May 30th, 1881 off,” says Middleton. “Now look where we are as a nation!”

Middleton also said that, “Sh*t rolls down hill, you know,” though scientists have yet to observe this phenomenon.


Correction: The second quote attributed to Otis Tool includes a typo. It should appear as “Yeah, I’ll give my head for science.” We’re sorry for the inconvenience.



15 Responses to “Dozens of Human Heads Found”

  1. Chad said

    Pinky Middleton gets around.

  2. nrhatch said

    Wonderful, OA!

    “Oops. I shoulda had a V-8.”

    My favorite: While some readers may view the spontaneous head discovery as promising, scientists warn there are still millions out there who refuse to consider gathering facts, seeking alternate opinions, and respecting others’ beliefs.

    clap * claP * clAP * cLAP * CLAP -> wild applause!

    • Getting the V8 joke = identifying oneself as at least 35 and probably older.

      I try to put something for everybody.

      I’m glad you enjoyed that line. I’m afraid I did what I try hard not to do, which is editorialize. But this time it’s OK because I, like most, am guilty of making assumptions and reacting emotionally on a frequent basis (as was discussed on Spirit Lights the Way last week). In other words, I’m not being self-righteous about it.

    • nrhatch said

      You didn’t sound a bit self-righteous.

      Our emotions are valuable . . . as soon as we feel that anger threatening to erupt, we can use it as a signal to step back, into the role of observer, to see more clearly what is being offered.

      From there, we can be more mindful of our choices, more conscious of our steps and words.

      In short, we can avoid “losing our heads” all over again.

  3. Great work! It’s about time I got over here to check out your blog and I’m really glad I did. Got a great laugh! Thanks. -Gash

  4. Cities of the Mind said

    This is hysterical.

    • Thank you and thanks for visiting. Now I’m nervous that you found typos, though.

      The ad on your blog is pretty punchy, by the way. Nice work. I hope it lands you a writing gig or two.

  5. toemailer said

    Now all we have to do is figure out the appendix is for and we’re laughing!

  6. toemailer said

    Well, thank you! Honored, indeed would be the word. 🙂

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